So annoyed. I'm so all or nothing, so when I'm forced to eat for a holiday, why not go all out?!? Ugh. Welp, according to my aunt and uncle's scale, I was 155 all week until Thanksgiving. Which is pb at least a lb lower than mine. So I was probably in the high 156 according to mine. Anyways, I weighed in this morning at 158 after a little bit of breakfast and water, so I thought I was doing okay. I ate a little today, but not a ton. Had a slip up this afternoon with a little bit of leftovers but purged most of it. After that I have only had coffee and a cup of soymilk a little while ago. Weighed in at 159.8. Ouchie :( I took a laxative today so hopefully I will lose some of it tomorrow. And I'm liquid fasting tomorrow. I bought some smoothies at the store, some veggies, some milk, and some corona. Clearly all necessary. Especially the corona. Haha. I'm going happy houring with my ex boyfriends roommates, so I will probably have to see him. I have a couple of extra cute possible outfits planned out, but hopefully I can just avoid him. That means one cocktail only, because I am such a lightweight that if I have more than one I'll pb have to hangout for hours. Especially considering I'm only doing liquids tomorrow :) If I have to hang out from drinking too much, I'll end up having to go back to their house. And clearly that's a terrible idea if I'm avoiding the ex. I wanted to be tender and kind and be friends, but clearly the only way to get through this is to be a little bitchy and avoid him. He's not mature enough to be friends. According to his BFF, in so many words, he finds me disgusting and can't stand to be around me. Supposedly. I know this is his problem, because even though I am not as thin as I should be, I'm amazing. I was a great girlfriend with a lot to offer. Asshole. Your problem, not mine! So avoid him I will. Shut him out I will. I won't really be hurting him because that's what he wants maybe, but I will be protecting my own heart.

Maybe I won't have to see him at all. Or only breifly. That would be ok. Yay for liquid fasting!

Well, I haven't been doing too too bad til just now. I was topping 160, so I started to eat less. I've had some Starbucks, but other than than my eating has been pristine. So I got to my aunt and uncles (for Thanksgiving break) and weigh in at 155.2. I'm dying to lose, but with the busy semester I've had, I've done well to maintain... Just hoping to lose ten lbs between now and next semester. Anyways, my aunt and uncle offer me something to eat and I refuse. But they've got this bowl of candy on the table in the kitchen... I ask for a glass of milk because my stomach is killing me. After they go to bed I eat 4 mini twix and a mini pack of M&M's. And then I try and puke it up. I'm sure I got rid of a few calories and some milk came up, but GAH. I knew better than to try and puke candy up. I've got to stop purging. Really.

Mistakes happen. Tomorrow I try again. I'm dying to see 152. And then 149. And then 145. Here I come.

I’m letting it sink in that no matter how good, kind or considerate you try to be, some people will not choose to be your friend. And the better realization that follows is that while I have my flaws, it really is their loss. Yay for growing up.


Also, while I realize that being thin will not make me happy, it will make me happier than being fat. Throwing up will take away the hopes and dreams I hold on to (plus my teeth). Starving will at least provide me with the control I need. Especially since I have no control over how other people feel about me. I hate men.

Let the restriction begin. (Except for Thursday of course, where I will make good choices.)

I stopped purging. I would like to say for good, but its probably a lie. But for now I'm done. Today I starved myself. I ate raisin bran for breakfast and that's it. Not gonna lie, I enjoyed myself. I felt in control. I felt together--like I used to feel when I did it in middle and high school. I feel in control when I don't eat, out of control when I do. Even when I puke, its like getting out of control and undoing it. I know this is all basic psychology/stating the obvious, but I just wanna say it anyways.

Its just really strange that I enjoyed starving today, because I usually don't. Or haven't in a while. Thoughts of starvation are fleeting and then I get over it and don't want to anymore lately. But today I really wanted to. I want to tomorrow too. I'm having lunch with a friend who has a layover at Denver Airport. Oh well. I just need to remember how great it is to be this in control and keep it that way!

I'm fat. And I don't wanna be. I want to be in control of myself.

I puked a lot this week. And took a reasonable amount of gentle laxative. The gentle stuff that does really do anything til like 3 days after... I need to stop that soon. And the puking.

I haven't had a voice lesson in two weeks, hence the puking. Having a voice lesson is both my savior and my curse because I don't puke. But I need that mechanism in order to not gain, you know? I KNOW beyond all reasonable doubt that I would probably have to go to a clinic for bulimia if I was not a singer. Puking screws with my vocal chords so much that I can't do both. I have a voice lesson again next wednesday, so clearly I'm trying not to puke again so that I can recover.

I worry about my teeth a lot when I go through these cycles...

I miss starving. But its difficult to do when I'm teaching full time, going to grad school at night, and have no time to even lay around at all. Even on the weekends I spend as much of my time as possible lesson planning in between hanging out. Starving, for me, requires that life does not require me to be on top of my game. Part of the reason I got so heavy in college. So I try to be as vegetarian as I can right now-- as much fresh food as possible. When I stick to that, I don't gain, and even swing to the low end of my weight. But clearly I didn't do that a couple weeks in a row, as I gained.

With all the puking and laxies, I'm back down to 157. I haven't eaten much today, so I will probably be 156 tomorrow. That I can live with, I think. I'd really like to start losing again... I was 155 when I moved here. A 40 lb loss since last December. Hopefully during Christmas break I can spend some time alone, starving away :) And RUNNING! I miss running. I haven't done much of it lately. I'm so flabby. And I have no time to help that.

I'm sorry I don't update you guys much. Life is busy. First year teaching is HARD. And clearly, having only lived here since August, and already having the baggage of an ex-boyfriend... and being halfway across the country from what is comforting and familiar... Life is challenging right now. I like it here. But no wonder I've been compulsively binging and purging the past couple weeks. I shouldn't be surprised.

I love you all.

I feel crappy. Crappy because I have a cold and its dragging me down. And also crappy because I got broken up with. I'm not crushed-- we weren't right for each other. Its ok. I just liked having someone to text and go to things with. I can't believe I got hit on ONE day after being broken up with. Maybe I'm sort of cute after all. Not cute enough. I know I can be so thin if I work at this.

This morning I had my leftovers from yesterday and some coffee. Hopefully I can have the willpower to not eat anything else. If I have to eat again, I will consume only water, diet coke, and veggies. I CAN do this. I WILL be hot! I deserve this.

I've been gone a long time. Things changed when I moved to Colorado. Got so busy. I've got more than I can handle.

I was dating 4 guys at a time. Went exclusive with one for about a month. He broke up with me last night. I'm ok, it wasn't meant to be. But it sucks.

Tonight, exactly 24 hours after we broke up, I had a douchebag friend of a friend--who KNEW I just split with my bf--trying to hit on me. No big deal. But why can't I get a guy that meets my standards? They all are behind. I'm 23, I have a full time job, my own apartment, moved across the country, have a degree, going to grad school. And I can't seem to find anyone my age that has the standards I have. Go figure.

I made myself throw up tonight. I'm pushing the scale up a little bit. So done with that. I have been stagnant in my weight since I moved here. Ready to lose at least another ten lbs. No boyfriend to stop me or guilt me out of it. And then maybe I can find a guy that's worth my time.

I'm worth this. I'm doing this for myself. Oh, and by the way, I puked out all my food from the night... but I just wanna keep puking and puking and puking. I always feel that way-- its my way of self-harm, of punishing myself for not being good enough. Well damnit. I'm gonna do this. I'm back on the train. I have to not puke often because it hurts my voice and I'm still singing. But I gotta start running and starving more again. I CAN DO THIS. I WILL LOSE ANOTHER TEN LBS!