At one point today I saw 153.8. Don't know how accurate that was. But I've at least been hovering at 154 today consistently. I still hate my scale. But I DO like starving, even though its hard. I almost broke weak today. Went to Target and bought some stuff including a couple shirts. I could tell that I've lost, even though it was just a couple lbs. I can also tell I've gotten fluffy since I stopped running as much. May not be taking classes next semester which would mean lots of running again.Woop! And while I hate what I see, I look forward to it improving. Weird that I can think of all those things at the same time.

Drinking a calorie free gatorade. Also ate like four or five sugar free chocolates. 190 cals. Too much. But probably won't affect my weight in the morning adversely. Hoping for a solid 153....

This morning, 154.4. Yeah! But I could not even function, I was so tired! So I had a couple of cookies from the teacher lounge. And I can feel not guilty about that, as long I manage not to eat the rest of the day. Starving doesn't seem to work as quickly as I'd like, but most other things don't work either. I don't really have time to run the substantial amounts I need to in order to lose. It just can't happen right now if I'm gonna function and get my homework and lesson planning done. I know that not eating makes me run slow, but I'm managing. And I have a good inner gage, so if I start to crash and burn, I'll make myself eat! I'm doing fine though. I can do this.

Also, I have to see the ex this weekend, albeit briefly, so I have to look as amazing as I possibly can. Not because I want to get back with him, or manipulate him, or anything... Just because that's what you do. I have to look good. I have a couple options for cute outfits to wear, so that will be good too.

I'm dying to get to 148. That's my "short term" goal right now, although only God knows how long it will take me to get there. As long as I'm losing and not gaining, I'm good. Also, I'm probably getting dehydrated, so I need to drink a crap ton of water today and that will help my body keep going!

Starving is always better than puking.

I just hate my body. Doesn't matter how much I starve! I can just never get below 155. Nothing works. But today I did good. I started the day at 157, a lb higher than last night--don't know why. But by this eve I was 155.0. Today I have had a couple starburst, an entire cucumber and salad dressing, and lots of coffee and tea. Now I'm having a beer because I can't sleep and I need to relax. At one point tonight I saw 154.8 but I don't trust it and later I weighed and got higher weights that were all within the 154-155.8 range. My scale sucks. So when I am at the lower end of 154 I will be more likely to believe it!

I figure a beer cant hurt me... its either that or eat or drink a glass of milk. You know that feeling when you've been restricting or fasting so long (or in my case puking everything up before I can digest it for some "meals") that you just feel high? Part of it is probably lack of sleep and too much caffeine working together. I'm gonna be fine. One light beer on an empty stomach can do wonders for relaxation.

Tomorrow.... the goal is to see 154 or even 153. Can't stop. And can't believe that I'm actually managing this during finals week. One good thing is instead of wasting lunch time in the teacher's lounge, I get shit done in my classroom. Or at least get the much needed downtime I need between classes. Go me!!!!

Aw fuck. Went into the teacher lounge to get coffee. There were bagels. I ate one. Want to purge... hard to do at school. Fuck.

I got down to 155.2. Then of course I started eating. Its like this roadblock mindswitch thing or something. So I've eaten a few normal meals. The past 2 days I didn't eat all day until dinner. Today I ate starburst, had a latte and a pumpkin muffin before class. I was soooooo tired. It was crazy. And then I decided on Noodles for dinner (Noodles and Co.... they don't have that in TN!). So it was really yummy. And then about 30 mins later I purged it. I'm pretty sure I got everything but a few tiny pieces. I can hardly ever purge that much! And then I took a laxative. So we'll see how this goes. I don't plan on eating tomorrow daytime, but tomorrow eve I will definitely be around food. Snacky foods. It will probably happen. I'm expecting to be 156 tomorrow. I'd like to get a good solid 3-4 mile run in at least once this weekend. I don't know if I can do any better than maintain for at least another week, really. Its finals...

If only I could see something below 155...

By the way, I'm pretty sure I'm getting good at the science of purging without hurting my vocal chords much. My teeth are another story. But for now I'm getting good at managing purging and singing.

Let's just be honest. Truthfully, I'm bulimic. Totally. Completely. Bulimic. If it weren't for singing I'd be in a clinic. And still fat.

So I told my friend the story, and she says I now have the power in the relationship. The truth is, maybe I shouldn't share the bed with him anymore... I fool myself into thinking I'm okay, but its all that I can think about. There's so much comfort in it, but then I feel close to him. And I don't know if that's good if I really am trying to be neutral. I feel so confused, because part of me is so content about what happened, part of me is angsty about it--wondering what's gonna happen and what he's thinking, and part of me is confused about how all this comes into play since I really DON'T wanna be with him.

Its very interesting having the power. And knowing that my body is tempting to him. That fucks with me a lot, because I don't think I've ever had the power, and certainly not because a man wanted to have sex with me. NEVER been in this position before. Very strange to be almost 24 and for this to be happening for the first time. And very strange that its happening at all. Part of me loves knowing that my body is a factor and I feel sexy. The other part of me feels slutty because I don't want to make it hard for him. Really really really I don't. Real love for someone is not doing what is good for you because it feels good, but its considering the other person and helping them make good choices too. If I always flaunt my body but hold sex out, its still not right... Oh boy. And I really do love him in my own weird way. So I want to do good for him.

In other news my eating has gone well the past couple days. I ate very lightly yesterday--didn't succeed at all liquids, but almost. And I went on a 3 mile run, which is saying a lot considering my exercise record lately. At least until I started drinking. And that's because I literally had a couple sips of a Long Beach and was already tipsy, so I shared some nachos with a friend. I didn't eat a lot of them, but enough. And then the ex's sister (who was with us) made some pasta when we got back to the house. And that was also a good choice because I sober up and don't get hungover if I eat something. Even though it was eating, it wasn't gross gluttonous eating...So today I've been yo-yo-ing between 156-155.2. Which is good considering where I was a couple days ago. Tomorrow I'm pseudo liquid fasting again... the only things I have in the house anyways are light soup, smoothies, raisin bran and some cucumbers and tomatoes. I like this, and I can do this. I might break down and have some tomatoes if I need them. But I'm looking forward to seeing a lower number soon.

So I ended up seeing ex boyfriend. He hung out with us all night, turns out. It was relatively not awkward, all things considered. I got drunk and was silly, but still basically everything was okay. Then, when we went back to their house, I slowly sobered up. He however, kept drinking. Of course I stayed over because I live 30 mins away and I always stay over if I"m there late. That's how its been since the beginning, before he and I dated. Anyways, his female roommates went to bed, all the friends left, and he went to bed too, or so I thought. I started to fall asleep and heard him get back up... He was alone on the porch smoking and drinking. I knew I wouldn't get another chance so I went out to just clear the air and make my apologies for anything I had done to hurt him in the relationship. He says I didn't. I left, and then went back out to make sure again :) and he asked me to sit down. We started talking. About everything. Talked for almost 3 hours. Sorted out all the reasons we broke up and shouldn't be together, differences in our beliefs about God, etc etc etc. Clearly he was drunk. I guess I just didn't realize how drunk. After we had talked and sorted everything out, which is all I really needed, he asked me to share the bed with him rather than sleep on the couch. Just sleep.We did that once when we were dating, and it didn't go so well--that time it was really difficult not to have sex. Anyways, I slept in the bed with him last night and this morning he started nuzzling my ear and neck. I was sort of okay with that, but when he started to hold me I told him that was a bad idea if we were gonna keep it not awkward. We had talked about that before bed, that if we were gonna do this that it didn't mean anything...

He must have been really drunk last night because he doesn't remember most of the things we talked about. And when I mentioned the cuddling thing, he said it was a bad idea that we shared a bed and that we shouldn't do it again. I kinda thought it was ok, but I also remember the entirety of the conversation and had few feelings attached to the sleeping situation. I enjoyed the little cuddling that we did, but know that we aren't gonna be together. Not being together is the greater good over any impulse feelings and emotions I may have. I just care about him as a person. I think he feels kind of awkward considering he doesn't remember most of what happened... and that sucks for me. I feel refreshed and happy and at peace with the whole situation, but I don't think he does. Which of course makes me start the cycle of worry again!

I think he still cares about me too. Again, we aren't gonna be together, and probably he knows that and feels the same. But I think he is still attracted to me. In fact, I'm almost for sure that he is. Sure, he's really horny because he's not getting any. But is it possible that I'm beautiful and wonderful and that he sees that? Somehow the fact that he wanted to have sex with me makes a lot of things better in my head, despite the complications. Are women really just this simple? Am I really just this simple? Wow. For now, everything is okay with me, I'm just hoping he and I are good. The plan is to just let it go, let it rest. Hopefully everything will come back to him... and all will be well.