163.8

See what I mean? Lose weight, balloon up, and then my weight settles back down. I'm prepared for this. I know what my body does...

I ate dinner last night, and I didn't sleep 2 nights ago, and I didn't walk or run or anything last night, just crashed. So pretty much I'm expecting to be back down in a couple days, but I had no reason to expect to lose today. I just have to give my body a second to adjust.

Here's to staying positive and knowing when its just water weight because its a physical impossibility that it could be anything else :) Love you all. I'll try to catch up on blogs soon.

160.4

Do I know how? Nope... I guess running is really doing its work :) And I'm barely eating. Yesterday I only ate what I needed to run. First thing in the morning is coffee and after my system has cleared, I can count on it to give me a good reading!

I'm dying to see 150's on the scale. A couple more days of this and I will solidly be in the 150's. But I know I can't sustain this rapid weight loss forever. I am bracing myself for a crash and burn plateau. I know that's negative, but I'm afraid of it. Its coming sooner or later, you know? My metabolism will eventually refuse me and I will have to start eating to function for awhile. But for now I am totally gonna enjoy it. 150's, here I come!!

WTF??!!  161.2.  I just weighed. I kid you not! The plateau has broken!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have lost 6 lbs this week and I'm not sure how the hell I did it. And I'm running tonight, so I might even be 160 tomorrow.

I'm gonna try really hard to not count on it, because I don't wanna set myself up to be really sad. Plus, like always, I balloon up a couple lbs right after I see a low weight. I swear to you I saw 165 at least once on the scale yesterday. I drank only coffee and water so far today, so I probably cleaned my system out. I haven't eaten anything, but I dare not try to run on an empty stomach, because I will end up getting sick and binging. So a reasonable dinner with minimal carbs and I'll be good to go!

The awesome thing is, I haven't weighed this little in probably 3-4 years. I'm so psyched! The scary thing is, my hair is falling out. I can't tell how much of it is natural shedding... but I'm trying not to stress about it yet. When I am thinner I can worry about it, and then getting a short bob won't be so disgusting on me, you know?

For now I am very happy, but trying to brace myself in case I do see a higher number tomorrow. The more reasonable I am with myself, the more likely I am to succeed and keep losing :)

Pictures

Following the trend... One of just my face, because I'm too embarrassed to show you my body. Its all lard. I'm the one on the left in green. The girl on the right is one of my beautiful, perfect, naturally skinny friends.

And another-- a pic one of my photographer friends took of me as a headshot.

 That last one is me goofing around with friends.

I wish could show you me... but I'm no thinspiration to anyone. You'd be disgusted. Trust me.

(Deleted photos because of privacy...)

This morning I weighed 163.4. Well, actually I weighed about 8 times and it kept teetering between 164.4, 164.8 (one time) and 163.4. So I dunno. I'm pretty sure I've lost, but I'm still so so sooooo fat.

Does anyone else struggle with putting makeup on? I know this is gonna sound weird. I argue with myself regularly about whether I'm gonna bother. Basically, I'm too fat to even bother, because it won't help, I'll still be ugly. But I wanna look my best. But maybe even if I try really hard to look pretty I'll still be disgusting.

This is my inner dialogue with myself. Its like I can't count on anything until I can lose the weight. I do this more often with makeup, but then sometimes with the clothes I wear too. Its like, screw it all, nothing will help or change the weight I am today.

Am I alone in this? I feel like this today, on Easter of all days. How can I have such anxiety about hanging out with these people? I feel like my body is one big blob of lard. LARD.

I probably will put makeup on after all, but just know that it really won't help regardless. When will I lose enough for it to start making a difference?

I ran approximately 4 miles tonight, basically continuously. I think that's the longest distance I've ever run without walking inbetween for a substantial amount of time. Afterwards I felt amazing. For a bit.

I am on my period, and though it is very light, I am bloated as all hell.

I feel disgusting and there is nothing that can make me beautiful enough to hang out with the beautiful people. Hopefully being with them will give me the thinspiration to stuff myself with only veggies instead of all the garbage that they are bringing. My job was to bring the veggie tray. I personally wanted to make sure it was there.

I am a complete and utter fatass. Nothing can change that by tomorrow. But I have to stick with this. I'm losing slower than molasses, but if I can just freaking stick with it, maybe I will start to lose again. I can't stay this way forever. I'll die.

I'm so disgusting.

The day started with me realizing i probably needed to have some protein in my diet. Took a handful of vitamins as soon as I got to work. There were brownies. Gobble gobble gobble. After that I pretty much gave up. Hardly a binge, but I'm sure if I counted it up I'd be in the neighborhood of 800-1200. I don't really wanna know. I'm gonna go for a run.

I'm gonna have a really fun easter. The bad part is, I'm gonna be around all the beautiful people. I have this group of friends that are all perfect and beautiful. I'm gonna be around them. And I'm gonna be fat and disgusting and inadequate. These are the people that are married or have perfect boyfriends and wear designer everything, or aspire to. And I just never quite measure up. They are great people and everything, I'm just not pretty enough to be friends with them.

I hate being around men. Men in general. They make me nervous. I never quite make the cut of being good enough. I feel like even the good men that I know are just looking at me and pitying me for being the fat girl. Nice girl and all, smart, but not pretty or thin enough to ever actually be with a good man that will love me and take care of me. I feel so embarrassed. I want to hide.

Just got off the phone with my Dad to discuss the Colorado business with him. He doesn't even act enthusiatic that I got in to grad school. And when I call him out on it, he says he is, but its so fake. Never quite good enough for my Dad. Never thin enough. That's all he really wants me to be. No other accomplishments matter unless I'm thin. And here I've eaten all this garbage today and ruined it.

One of my really good friends told me a while back that I say a lot of things about God that are untrue, and that our ideas about God and his feelings for us come from what we feel about our earthly fathers. Never quite good enough. That's what I feel. Just not quite measuring up to who he wants me to be. And ashamed and embarrassed that I can't fix myself. And I know that's not what I'm supposed to do-- the beauty of grace is that He gets to fix it for us. But I'm still screwed up. I just can't let go. I just can't relinquish control. I feel that there is something so inherently wrong with me that I can't even take what's freely lavished on me.

I need different experiences with men. Maybe if I were to find a man that could love me, I would get better ideas about how grace and love work, and I wouldn't be so captivated by the idea that my Dad thinks I'm never good enough. But see... I can't have any of this. Because I'm too fat. No one wants to be with the fat girl. No matter how much she has achieved, no matter how smart, and kind, and thoughtful. All they see is too fat. too independent. too headstrong. too abrasive. TOO FAT.