I hate myself. I am fat. I can't stop. I have much more today and no motivation to say it. The end for now.

Just not good enough. Just too fat. Being fat cancels out like everything else that's good about me. And if it weren't for that I think I would like myself a lot, most of the time. I feel so inadequate. So out of control. Never enough time. Always too much food. Never enough running. Never good enough. Never quite meeting the standard.

I get depressed when I think this way. But I just can't... I know I can be everything I wanna be... I just have to find it in myself. Doesn't help that I'm sleeping weird hours and on my period. I'm starting to get anxious about going back to work :(

I hate having a period. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I have eaten:

160 cals of soup

30 cals coffee?

100 cals of smoothie

And I walked about 30 mins to the grocery store...

This morning I find that my period has begun :(

Cue the lightbulb coming on about my facial breakout and bloating.

The good news is, last night I was 155.8. This morning I am 154.6. This is on my aunt and uncle's scale. I am not sure how well it lines up with mine. But... the other day I was 156.8 which is why I was freaking out... When I came I was inexlicably 153. Maybe before I leave tomorrow I get get back down to that.

I want to see 150 next week sometime. Absolutely no reason I can't do that if I'm a good little girl. And I run my ass off.

Mad Greens Salad--620 cals
Latte--100 cals?
Piece of bread for breakfast--100 cals (to be safe)
2 cookies--300?
Chocolate milk--380 cals

I'm pathetic. Really. I can't believe its possible that I could have consumed that many calories today. I'm pathetic. I'm disgusted with myself. Do I not get that I'm disgustingly huge? Rolls of fat hang off of me. People are disgusted with me. They would like me so sooo much better if I could control myself. Which clearly I can't. And I got home early enough to run on the treadmill. And I didn't do it. Catching up with friends on the phone is nice, but when you are this large, exercise is of utmost importance.Right after I was eating those cookies, I thought about purging them, but also kind of difficult when you are on the phone. Ugh.

In other news, the art museum was freaking the most awesome thing ever. My music degree served me well. It was like having a playlist in my head for every paiting--music and art line up in many ways in terms of time periods and styles. I love art. I plan to go to that museum again and spend hours there. I loved it.

I bought some sugar free redbulls today.

I'm tired of being fat. So tired of it. Thinness is not out of reach. I just need some discipline. I can do this. I can control this. Everything I want is in my reach if I want it badly enough.

Tomorrow. No eating. I may get roped into dinner. That's allowed if I run 4 miles tomorrow. I should be able to do that. No excuses. That would put me at 12 miles for the week. Which clearly hasn't made a dent in my fat rolls. I HAVE TO STOP EATING!!!

Okay, inside I am freaking out. I actually, technically overall have lost about 2-3 lbs since the beginning of the semester, but overall my running has also gone to shit. I am so much more flabby, and I'm sure that with Christmas (I'm too scared to get an accurate number right now) its bad.

The plan:

Avoid food at all costs.
Salad when I have to eat with people.
AVOID CARBS.
Make friends with sugar free redbull and starbucks via packets.
Chew gum.
Drink a shit ton more water.
Drink more zero cal gatorade and powerade.
When I order Starbucks, only get the skinny variety of the drink. period.
Run my ass off.
My goal is to make 15 miles a week a regular thing this semester, but I'm gonna start with 12 a week.
If I just have to eat (you know those times where you are going crazy because you need to eat something "good" or you will binge?) I will treat myself to a salad from whole foods.


What I just saw in the mirror should put fear in my heart for sure. Hopefully it will. I am going home to be in a wedding the last week of feb/first of March and I just HAVE to look good in those pics! My hair will be longer by then, which is good, but I have no excuse not to lose ten lbs. Perfectly doable. I have lost 15-20 in that time period before!

I hate myself. I'm embarrassed to even have to go out tomorrow :(

Denver art museum tomorrow. The plan is to drag my ass out of bed, look cute (and hope I don't look too fat), and stop by starbucks (yum). I'm just going with the art teacher from my school, her daughter who I haven't met but apparently is overweight, and a couple of the kids that I teach. Should be fun. Excited about learning about art...

Weighed today. It was grossly high. Granted, since that time I have had two large bowel movements (tmi, I know!) and I had just drank a ton of water after running on the treadmill. Hopefully the reality is not as bad as that dreadful number.

I wanted to run again before bed tonight, but I didn't want to have to wash my hair again. Whatever. Exercise is more important. I continue to eat normally. I drank so much alcohol the other day... 4 glasses of wine plus some other stuff. I don't really believe in New Years resolutions, but I am glad for a fresh start and the excuse to eat less and run more this semester. I am dreading going back to lesson planning. Love teaching, hate the lesson planning. I feel very much in a valley in my teaching right now, which I guess is normal for this point as a first year teacher. I'm just worn out and I don't wanna go back. Break is not long enough.

Sometimes I wonder if I am doomed to be fat forever? I am not disgusting, I really am a cute girl. I just have a hard time with my weight. And even though my ex dated me the way I was and supposedly thought I was beautiful, I still hear that voice in my head that says no one will ever want to be with me unless I'm thin. I'm going home to visit in late Feb for a week and I'm really hoping I can lose 10 lbs by then...