Some serious self loathing going on. If you only knew how bad its gotten in the time I've been away, and how much better it HASN'T since I've been back.

I'm sad. But I will find something nice to wear tomorrow and try again for another day...

So I had "breakfast" which was about 250 cals of whatever was around. A mini clif bar, some beef jerky. My plan is onl coffee and tea the rest of the day. I can so do that. And yoga and walking today.

The good news: I did yoga and I ran today.

The bad news: I ate way more than I wanted to, including chocolate. Sad day.

The good news: I wanted to finish my leftovers from lunch, but I didn't.

The good news: I can pace myself through those and they can be my "all day" food tomorrow.

Progress... progress.

I'm failing badly. But I don't want to be negative about it, I just want to keep trying. Its just that I keep trying and I keep failing. Ugh.

All I wanna do is purge, but I'm not going to do that.

It's bad. It's really bad. I weighed myself. And yet, all the practice I've done in being positive about myself seems to have made a dent. Insomuch as I know it's really bad... But I am only selectively capable of the utter self hate that brings about meaningful change. So instead I keep eating. And feel nothing.

Today went well during the day, only coffee and an English muffin.

But then...

Stupid holiday party. I didn't exactly gorge myself, but let's just say, Puerto Rican food is NOT healthy. Or light in calories.

Tommorow is another day. I'm having lunch with my cousin's wife tomorrow. Salad it is.

Good news, I did run today! Pathetically, but its a re-start! I am about to begin training for a half marathon.

I know I'm updating like a gazillion times a day. Get over it, its what I need to be doing right now.

I'm doing pretty badly by some standards. But I am making progress compared with where I was. Every morning is new. At least I am not purging. I WILL NOT PURGE. I can't do that. I won't.

Tomorrow, try try again. I'm afraid its not gonna go very well, but I'm gonna try.