So much has happened in a month. Just to warn you, I am teeny bit tipsy, but not bad. I have been bawling my eyes out. Mostly because I am ridiculous. A tiny part because I have a right to be sad.
Since I wrote last month, I have met the man I am going to marry. I know that sounds like the craziest thing ever. I don't care. Ironically, it wasn't the ex's friend... He was the one I thought I was so compatible with.
It was the other one. For some crazy reason, I lost my virginity to him.
If you know anything about me, virginity has been a big deal, hang up, issue for me. I'm 25. I'm one of the last of a dying breed.
He was a virgin too. There's nothing wrong with him... He was just painfully shy all his life. Its intersting. Trust me when I say that while I have never, ever been attracted to an Asian, he is the hottest thing ever. There is not a thing wrong with him--he is a very thoughtful and sweet man. And right for me. That's mostly what counts.
I love him. I am going to marry him. And have his quarter Korean, quarter puertorican, half white babies. They are going to be the most beautiful children that ever lived.
I know I sound crazy. I am. But everything I have said so far is true! It just hasn't happened yet, the whole him falling in love with me yet. But it will. Trust me.
He had surgery yesterday. I lost my virginity to him last Friday. It hasn't even been a week. It was the most magical virginity losing that anyone has ever had. Just saying.
Anyways, we have slept together twice. In less than a week since this happened, he had surgery on his leg. (He is a rock climber. Stupid climbers. Stupid Boulder. Stupid rocks. Why do boys have to be so interested in danger?) He was under general anesthesia and didn't feel well enough to see me yesterday after the surgery. Today, didn't seem well enough either. Problem is, it was one of the most stressful days of the whole school year for me, so all I wanted was to be hugged and kissed and cuddled by my boyfriend. That, and a big ass margarita.
So of course he didn't feel up to seeing me. Godammit.
We talked about it via text, what happened tonight. This guy and I agreed not to play the dating game, previously (in person). So trying to tell him how I feel... well I'm trying to do that. Sure, he needs to be trained because he's pretty inexperienced? (So says some people....). So do I train him by giving him the silent treatment all the time (one girl's suggestion) or just tell him what I need?
I am scarred. Relationships and vulnerability are so hard for me (hard for anyone, really), especially because of my shitty family history. He knows. He knew before he slept with me. He was sweet about it then, but I don't know if he REALLY knows how it its affecting me.
Of course, because of hormones, dopamine and such, now that I have slept with him I want to be with him every moment of every day. Inconvenient when your man is having a major surgery less than a week after you slept with him for the first time.
Anyways, here's what I did after I didn't get to see him. The loving thing is to understand and give him space. This is a shitload for him to deal with, even if he didn't have me on top of it. But I was so desperate to see him. Why I'm so fucking crazy... ugh. Anyways, I told him I was sad and frustrated but that I understood.
After a couple glasses of wine, I flipped. HE NEEDS to want me like I want him. I CAN'T do this if he doesn't want me that way. So I deleted his number. And conversations. Ironic that while I was bawling my eyes out he texted me back. Deleted that too. Can't do this. He needs to text me back tomorrow.
I CAN'T BE VULNERABLE WITH ANYONE WHO DOESN'T WANT ME THE WAY I WANT HIM BACK.
I know I am being ridiculous, but this is what needs to happen. I know he wants me. But I need to give him a chance to want me, so I am. I AM NOT PURSUING HIM. So that's the way its gonna be.
I'll let you know.
The worst part about this is that I am doing a summer internship in Atlanta all of June and July. So he is gonna miss me and needs to spend every waking moment with me now.
Fucking surgery. Wrecking everything. Maybe its for the best. Real life happens to everyone.
I know I sound like one of those crazy girls. That's why I am writing it here instead of to him.