I puked a lot this week. And took a reasonable amount of gentle laxative. The gentle stuff that does really do anything til like 3 days after... I need to stop that soon. And the puking.

I haven't had a voice lesson in two weeks, hence the puking. Having a voice lesson is both my savior and my curse because I don't puke. But I need that mechanism in order to not gain, you know? I KNOW beyond all reasonable doubt that I would probably have to go to a clinic for bulimia if I was not a singer. Puking screws with my vocal chords so much that I can't do both. I have a voice lesson again next wednesday, so clearly I'm trying not to puke again so that I can recover.

I worry about my teeth a lot when I go through these cycles...

I miss starving. But its difficult to do when I'm teaching full time, going to grad school at night, and have no time to even lay around at all. Even on the weekends I spend as much of my time as possible lesson planning in between hanging out. Starving, for me, requires that life does not require me to be on top of my game. Part of the reason I got so heavy in college. So I try to be as vegetarian as I can right now-- as much fresh food as possible. When I stick to that, I don't gain, and even swing to the low end of my weight. But clearly I didn't do that a couple weeks in a row, as I gained.

With all the puking and laxies, I'm back down to 157. I haven't eaten much today, so I will probably be 156 tomorrow. That I can live with, I think. I'd really like to start losing again... I was 155 when I moved here. A 40 lb loss since last December. Hopefully during Christmas break I can spend some time alone, starving away :) And RUNNING! I miss running. I haven't done much of it lately. I'm so flabby. And I have no time to help that.

I'm sorry I don't update you guys much. Life is busy. First year teaching is HARD. And clearly, having only lived here since August, and already having the baggage of an ex-boyfriend... and being halfway across the country from what is comforting and familiar... Life is challenging right now. I like it here. But no wonder I've been compulsively binging and purging the past couple weeks. I shouldn't be surprised.

I love you all.

I feel crappy. Crappy because I have a cold and its dragging me down. And also crappy because I got broken up with. I'm not crushed-- we weren't right for each other. Its ok. I just liked having someone to text and go to things with. I can't believe I got hit on ONE day after being broken up with. Maybe I'm sort of cute after all. Not cute enough. I know I can be so thin if I work at this.

This morning I had my leftovers from yesterday and some coffee. Hopefully I can have the willpower to not eat anything else. If I have to eat again, I will consume only water, diet coke, and veggies. I CAN do this. I WILL be hot! I deserve this.

I've been gone a long time. Things changed when I moved to Colorado. Got so busy. I've got more than I can handle.

I was dating 4 guys at a time. Went exclusive with one for about a month. He broke up with me last night. I'm ok, it wasn't meant to be. But it sucks.

Tonight, exactly 24 hours after we broke up, I had a douchebag friend of a friend--who KNEW I just split with my bf--trying to hit on me. No big deal. But why can't I get a guy that meets my standards? They all are behind. I'm 23, I have a full time job, my own apartment, moved across the country, have a degree, going to grad school. And I can't seem to find anyone my age that has the standards I have. Go figure.

I made myself throw up tonight. I'm pushing the scale up a little bit. So done with that. I have been stagnant in my weight since I moved here. Ready to lose at least another ten lbs. No boyfriend to stop me or guilt me out of it. And then maybe I can find a guy that's worth my time.

I'm worth this. I'm doing this for myself. Oh, and by the way, I puked out all my food from the night... but I just wanna keep puking and puking and puking. I always feel that way-- its my way of self-harm, of punishing myself for not being good enough. Well damnit. I'm gonna do this. I'm back on the train. I have to not puke often because it hurts my voice and I'm still singing. But I gotta start running and starving more again. I CAN DO THIS. I WILL LOSE ANOTHER TEN LBS!