I've been gone a long time. Things changed when I moved to Colorado. Got so busy. I've got more than I can handle.

I was dating 4 guys at a time. Went exclusive with one for about a month. He broke up with me last night. I'm ok, it wasn't meant to be. But it sucks.

Tonight, exactly 24 hours after we broke up, I had a douchebag friend of a friend--who KNEW I just split with my bf--trying to hit on me. No big deal. But why can't I get a guy that meets my standards? They all are behind. I'm 23, I have a full time job, my own apartment, moved across the country, have a degree, going to grad school. And I can't seem to find anyone my age that has the standards I have. Go figure.

I made myself throw up tonight. I'm pushing the scale up a little bit. So done with that. I have been stagnant in my weight since I moved here. Ready to lose at least another ten lbs. No boyfriend to stop me or guilt me out of it. And then maybe I can find a guy that's worth my time.

I'm worth this. I'm doing this for myself. Oh, and by the way, I puked out all my food from the night... but I just wanna keep puking and puking and puking. I always feel that way-- its my way of self-harm, of punishing myself for not being good enough. Well damnit. I'm gonna do this. I'm back on the train. I have to not puke often because it hurts my voice and I'm still singing. But I gotta start running and starving more again. I CAN DO THIS. I WILL LOSE ANOTHER TEN LBS!