Today I would guess I have consumed around 2000-2500 calories. A whole hell of a lot. I did however, burn 1000 cals through running and the elliptical (at two different times) and also lifted weights. I worked on my arms, my shoulders, and did crunches and side crunches. I guess if you take away the number of cals I burned, it sort of was only a normal eating day. I dunno.
I really have been working out for a minimum of 1.5 hours a day, sometimes more. I've been burning typically about 600 cals a day. But I've been eating more than I should too.
I feel like I'm seeing NO results. The thing is, I can't restrict right now. Its impossible while I'm still staying with my aunt and uncle. I have to eat dinner with them at night, and they would notice if I didn't.
I'm such a lard ass. It makes me so so so so sad. Seriously the only thing I can think of to do is go to the doctor and get my thyroid tested, because even when I starve, the scale stays the same. Obviously, I wouldn't tell the doctor about my eating habits. But there has to be something there! I am more persistent than most anybody I know!
There's this little voice inside my head that frequently tells me I deserve to be fat. I'm reaping the consequences of... I guess of being me. Like, if I was better, if I was good enough, I COULD be skinny. But because I'm such a loser, it doesn't matter how much I fight, I'll always be fat. I don't know what this means. I kind of believe the voice. But I'm not giving up. Even if I could never lose another pound, I would never want to gain the weight back that I've lost. That would be a fate worse than death. But staying at this weight is also a death sentence.
Maybe I "deserve" to be fat. But I'm rebelling. I can't quit. I WON'T.
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How about being honest with them? You could tell them that you're on a diet to lose some weight, so while you're still willing to sit down to have dinner with them, you're watching your portion sizes.
ReplyDeleteYou won't always be fat. It's alright to lose one pound at a time; each time a little thinner than before. (:
*hugs*
I agree with Blue Butterfly...just tell them you're watching what you eat, and then make sure to make healthful choices whenever they see you eating. In fact, use their awareness to help you make good choices.
ReplyDeleteOne day, we'll both be at a starbucks, and it'll turn out to be the same starbucks...and you'll go "is that that crazy bitch from the internet?!" and the answer will be yes. I can't wait.
ReplyDeletemuuhahahahaha
I mean...*ahem* how are you digging my state so far, lady? ;p
I'm glad you like it. The weather is screwy, but I think the mountains make it worth while.
ReplyDeleteAs for feeling too fat...hell. I know what you mean. I always feel too fat to meet anyone, ever. Which is why I meet almost everyone, always. Because if I wait around until I feel thin enough to meet them, I know I never will.
I hope the stuff I wrote in that last uber paranoid entry didn't make you feel like I wouldn't be super excited to meet you, no matter what. Coz I would be THRILLED. Yeah? Yeah.
I totally agree with what Blue Butterfly said. No one can fault you if you want to eat healthier and make better decisions. They will probably applaud your efforts, and it will make everything immensely easier. And no one deserves to be fat. Well, except for maybe those mean bitches in high school. If they wind up fat at the high school reunion, they totally deserve it! But anyway, in no way should you feel like you deserve to be a certain weight. You choose what you want to look like, and it doesn't matter how slow it happens, as long as you get there. xoxo
ReplyDeletewhere have you been?
ReplyDeletemissing you, little lady. hope life is treating you well.
ReplyDeletexoxo
zette
I hope everything is ok with you...I'm a little worried? I'm sending good vibes and positive energy your way using my accute mental telepathy skills. umm, or something like that.
ReplyDeleteUpdate soon?
hey, still missing you. where've you been? hope you're doing well.
ReplyDeletexoxo
zette