Today I would guess I have consumed around 2000-2500 calories. A whole hell of a lot. I did however, burn 1000 cals through running and the elliptical (at two different times) and also lifted weights. I worked on my arms, my shoulders, and did crunches and side crunches. I guess if you take away the number of cals I burned, it sort of was only a normal eating day. I dunno.
I really have been working out for a minimum of 1.5 hours a day, sometimes more. I've been burning typically about 600 cals a day. But I've been eating more than I should too.
I feel like I'm seeing NO results. The thing is, I can't restrict right now. Its impossible while I'm still staying with my aunt and uncle. I have to eat dinner with them at night, and they would notice if I didn't.
I'm such a lard ass. It makes me so so so so sad. Seriously the only thing I can think of to do is go to the doctor and get my thyroid tested, because even when I starve, the scale stays the same. Obviously, I wouldn't tell the doctor about my eating habits. But there has to be something there! I am more persistent than most anybody I know!
There's this little voice inside my head that frequently tells me I deserve to be fat. I'm reaping the consequences of... I guess of being me. Like, if I was better, if I was good enough, I COULD be skinny. But because I'm such a loser, it doesn't matter how much I fight, I'll always be fat. I don't know what this means. I kind of believe the voice. But I'm not giving up. Even if I could never lose another pound, I would never want to gain the weight back that I've lost. That would be a fate worse than death. But staying at this weight is also a death sentence.
Maybe I "deserve" to be fat. But I'm rebelling. I can't quit. I WON'T.