I saw pictures of myself from the 4th of July. Soooo much thinner than what I used to be. But still fat. Its true. Still a whopping 155 lbs. And I ate badly today. Blame it on my period. I plan to run tomorrow, and I look forward to it.
I should be more, I should be better. But I keep working for better, not satisfied with who I am at this moment. I think its ok... I just want to wow everyone.
Somehow I let the hope sneak in that that things will be good for me. I'm just gonna share of myself again for a minute, and I hope it doesn't make you uncomfortable.
There's so much pain in trying to believe that someone will actually love me and treasure me. I mean just think of it. Think about it. For someone to see you as a great treasure. Let those words melt in your mind, let their sweetness roll around on your tongue for a minute. I have such a hard time with men, I feel so inadequate, not ugly exactly, but not attractive or desirable in any way. I want to be delicate, pure, beautiful. I want to be needed, desired...
By contrast I am opinionated, independent, and I don't do anything that's not good for my own well being. Not in a selfish way, I just know the difference between self-sacrificing and sacrificing my life. And I'm not really that easy to live with, strong personality and all. My secret disdain and distrust for men, combined with these factors has led me to believe that I am incapable of loving, of marrying. As I type these words, I begin to believe it again, even now.
I want to be hard. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to let anyone in, not very far anyways. If I can continue to believe that I am incapable of this, I am okay. If I accept that being alone is just the way its supposed to be for me, its not as hard, you know? But I feel God nudging me to hope. Whispering vaguely and subtly in ways that make it fearful and irresistible to surrender to this hope. I want to know who I am, to choose my own path and hold fast, tightly, with no waver. I don't want anyone to have the power to hurt me. And yet I find myself succumbing, intoxicated, yet completely sobered by the promise of something so good and incontrollable. I have no control.