I saw pictures of myself from the 4th of July. Soooo much thinner than what I used to be. But still fat. Its true. Still a whopping 155 lbs. And I ate badly today. Blame it on my period. I plan to run tomorrow, and I look forward to it.
I should be more, I should be better. But I keep working for better, not satisfied with who I am at this moment. I think its ok... I just want to wow everyone.
Somehow I let the hope sneak in that that things will be good for me. I'm just gonna share of myself again for a minute, and I hope it doesn't make you uncomfortable.
There's so much pain in trying to believe that someone will actually love me and treasure me. I mean just think of it. Think about it. For someone to see you as a great treasure. Let those words melt in your mind, let their sweetness roll around on your tongue for a minute. I have such a hard time with men, I feel so inadequate, not ugly exactly, but not attractive or desirable in any way. I want to be delicate, pure, beautiful. I want to be needed, desired...
By contrast I am opinionated, independent, and I don't do anything that's not good for my own well being. Not in a selfish way, I just know the difference between self-sacrificing and sacrificing my life. And I'm not really that easy to live with, strong personality and all. My secret disdain and distrust for men, combined with these factors has led me to believe that I am incapable of loving, of marrying. As I type these words, I begin to believe it again, even now.
I want to be hard. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to let anyone in, not very far anyways. If I can continue to believe that I am incapable of this, I am okay. If I accept that being alone is just the way its supposed to be for me, its not as hard, you know? But I feel God nudging me to hope. Whispering vaguely and subtly in ways that make it fearful and irresistible to surrender to this hope. I want to know who I am, to choose my own path and hold fast, tightly, with no waver. I don't want anyone to have the power to hurt me. And yet I find myself succumbing, intoxicated, yet completely sobered by the promise of something so good and incontrollable. I have no control.
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Sweetie, as hard as it may seem, there is always someone.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. Most of my life has been about listening to friends talking about the guys they're dating or sleeping with. I wonder how they can find someone interested in them but I can't find someone interested in me.
A friend of mine told me that if you go through so much hurt and pain trying to find love, some to treasure you, then just imagine how wonderful and amazing it will be when you do find them. You have to go through a lot a hurt before you get the wonderful.
I know it's hard but keep that in mind on the bad days and the good days...
Good luck and stay strong
I agree with everything Hazy said! You gotta go through a lot of frogs before you get your prince. And it's ok to be hard, and to not be vulnerable, especially in the meantime, because it will protect you from a lot of guys who don't deserve you.
ReplyDeleteThere is someone. Whoever it is will find you when the time is right. Imagine how much better it will be to be truly happy, and then have love come along, because you'll be able to appreciate love for how wonderful it is, rather than as a thing that made you happy when nothing else would. Bring your own happiness. Love will be a bonus, the sweetest reward.
You're awesome. Good things come to awesome people, you'll earn it and it will be magnificent.
xx
I agree so much with the second half of Wren's comment, but I have to say...if you keep yourself hard, invulnerable, there's a chance you'll miss out on something good because it bounces off your shell and away.
ReplyDeleteEven if you don't find a boy to be in love with, who loves you romantically, aesthetically, deliriously...you might just find a best friend, a guy who will look out for you, have your back, make you laugh, and punch your jerky boyfriend right in the face for not treating you the way you deserve to be treated.
Being strong, opinionated, self-aware, independent and capable are not obstacles to love or marriage. They are not in any way the opposite of being fragile, pure or beautiful.
You already are all the things you want to be, but no one will be able to recognize and acknowledge you for those things if you keep them hidden under a coat of armor.
I say, be who you are, openly...and the love you deserve will fall into you, onto you, covering you and protecting you much more pleasantly than a hard shell of distrust and disdain ever could.
Feed your hope. It's a cord of light that ties you to the future...