I puked a lot this week. And took a reasonable amount of gentle laxative. The gentle stuff that does really do anything til like 3 days after... I need to stop that soon. And the puking.
I haven't had a voice lesson in two weeks, hence the puking. Having a voice lesson is both my savior and my curse because I don't puke. But I need that mechanism in order to not gain, you know? I KNOW beyond all reasonable doubt that I would probably have to go to a clinic for bulimia if I was not a singer. Puking screws with my vocal chords so much that I can't do both. I have a voice lesson again next wednesday, so clearly I'm trying not to puke again so that I can recover.
I worry about my teeth a lot when I go through these cycles...
I miss starving. But its difficult to do when I'm teaching full time, going to grad school at night, and have no time to even lay around at all. Even on the weekends I spend as much of my time as possible lesson planning in between hanging out. Starving, for me, requires that life does not require me to be on top of my game. Part of the reason I got so heavy in college. So I try to be as vegetarian as I can right now-- as much fresh food as possible. When I stick to that, I don't gain, and even swing to the low end of my weight. But clearly I didn't do that a couple weeks in a row, as I gained.
With all the puking and laxies, I'm back down to 157. I haven't eaten much today, so I will probably be 156 tomorrow. That I can live with, I think. I'd really like to start losing again... I was 155 when I moved here. A 40 lb loss since last December. Hopefully during Christmas break I can spend some time alone, starving away :) And RUNNING! I miss running. I haven't done much of it lately. I'm so flabby. And I have no time to help that.
I'm sorry I don't update you guys much. Life is busy. First year teaching is HARD. And clearly, having only lived here since August, and already having the baggage of an ex-boyfriend... and being halfway across the country from what is comforting and familiar... Life is challenging right now. I like it here. But no wonder I've been compulsively binging and purging the past couple weeks. I shouldn't be surprised.
I love you all.