The whole self acceptance thing is going okay... I had such a tough afternoon with it. I was alone. Sometimes, very seldom, but sometimes, alone is good. I had already made up my mind not to be alone today, so alone was not good today. I was having such a hard time, so I took a walk down the path near Colorado Ave, laid down under the Boulder sky, and listened to the sweet sounds of Frank Sinatra across from a little pond near the Boulder Creek path... at least until I felt neutral enough that I didn't hate myself utterly.
I drank a whole bottle of wine tonight... I ate really well before/during.
Drinking alone is not supposed to be a good thing, but I am usually really responsible with it... Believe it or not.
Lets check this self acceptance thing out, I've been practicing it for a while... Going to weigh myself now... remember, I'm a little teensy weensy bit drunk. Impressively less than if I had not eaten while drinking, which I usually don't...BRB.
It's a Christmas Miracle. Since this whole self acceptance thing and 'eating what I want and being okay with it' I haven't gained. But I haven't really lost either. I'm at an impasse. I saw pics on facebook of my friend who is beautiful and married to a wonderful hipstery guy... Goddammit why can't I be married to a wonderful hipstery guy?! Maybe one day... Maybe because I don't wanna be married yet... But I'm so desperately lonely. I'm so desperately wanting to be accepted for the way that I am. I wish that I had started this process when I weight 20 lbs less. Really. But if I can accept myself the way I am, theoretically, someone else really wonderful can, right?!
But why don't hipstery guys even want to date me? I'm pretty cute. But I'm fat. Hipstery Boulder guys don't wanna date me because I'm fat. Awkward guys that are ALMOST hipstery sort of want to date me, but its all confusing. More awesome guys in Boulder would wanna date me if I was thinner.
Oh, and if I put out, which I don't. I'm a freak... 25 years old and a virgin?!? FREAK. And whats more, I don't want to put out. I want someone to love me enough to understand that I can't be that vulnerable til they love me and show it. In Boulder? I'm not gonna find someone who understands. Well... Maybe. I hope. And maybe the thing is I don't plan to be in Boulder forever. Ugh... I just can't be that vulnerable til I'm sure.
I want to be loved. Desperately. I am desperate to be loved, and I want to be loved desperately by someone. This is coming from someone who's own mother can't love me. I mean, I know its cause she can't love herself... My mom has her own issues. So does my Dad. I'm sad. I wrote him my SECOND long email of late... he hasn't talked to me since the beginning of December :*( He's mad because I'm more liberal than he is. My entire family thinks I'm a lesbian. Which is fucking ironic because I definitley want to be with men... and given how virginal I am....
UGH. COMMENCE RAW FOODS DIET TOMMORROW. I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF, BUT I NEED TO BE THIN FIRST. :(