I'm failing badly. But I don't want to be negative about it, I just want to keep trying. Its just that I keep trying and I keep failing. Ugh.

All I wanna do is purge, but I'm not going to do that.

It's bad. It's really bad. I weighed myself. And yet, all the practice I've done in being positive about myself seems to have made a dent. Insomuch as I know it's really bad... But I am only selectively capable of the utter self hate that brings about meaningful change. So instead I keep eating. And feel nothing.

Today went well during the day, only coffee and an English muffin.

But then...

Stupid holiday party. I didn't exactly gorge myself, but let's just say, Puerto Rican food is NOT healthy. Or light in calories.

Tommorow is another day. I'm having lunch with my cousin's wife tomorrow. Salad it is.

Good news, I did run today! Pathetically, but its a re-start! I am about to begin training for a half marathon.

I know I'm updating like a gazillion times a day. Get over it, its what I need to be doing right now.

I'm doing pretty badly by some standards. But I am making progress compared with where I was. Every morning is new. At least I am not purging. I WILL NOT PURGE. I can't do that. I won't.

Tomorrow, try try again. I'm afraid its not gonna go very well, but I'm gonna try.

The title of a blog... I think it shut down, not sure? But it's title inspires me: "hunger hurts, but starving works."

Damn it. Feel so fat. Can't wait for Christmas to be over! I hate it when my family shoves food in my face without asking!

It's very very hard not to purge. It's the easiest way, especially when I fuck up.

And it's also the reason I have severe acid reflux that is affecting my voice.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, but I won't be in a forced eating situation, so try, try again.