I successfully managed to eat only an apple for dinner. Yay! Having some coffee now as I try to wrap some things up that I need to finish. Soooooo tired, but its so close to over. I can't believe I managed to eat only that. Hunger feels good again, if I can just keep it that way. I walked another 45 minutes with my friend, actually starting and stopping it was an hour. My foot really hurt after that, but I think after 3 days that my foot is getting stronger. Hopefully. I'm so ready to see results now, but I gotta keep chugging along. Big picture== lifestyle is what I need. I remember the first time I fit into a size 7 as a teenager. I was so awe inspired because I'd never had a nice pair of blue jeans like that before. I can't wait for that feeling again, as I well know how to achieve it. This time its different and much further away, but I am reaching. I WILL get there.

Big picture.

I had a bowl of raisin bran this morning and chicken pot pie with mashed potatoes, peas and a roll for lunch. I tried really hard not to eat the roll but it was just staring at me. I kinda decided that I'm gonna eat whatever is given to me for lunch, because that is hard to control when you're teaching. Plus, I have a week left. That's all! And then maybe I can really control what I'm doing. I guess I'm kinda nervous about going to PR for C-mas and dealing with all that food, but maybe with my Dad on board about exercise, I can stay motivated. That and the fact that this dear blog gives me the motivation to see my thoughts on the page. Ugh... and I just remembered that I ate one starburst because I wanted/needed something for my throat. The little things are epic, but the big picture is really hard for me, so we are going to focus on that. Big picture!!!

Tonight I need to work out and I'm also trying not to eat anymore. If I do, it will be carrots, an apple, or bell peppers. I have a lot of freaking work to do tonight to finish up my student teaching. It could be a carrot night... For a few minutes I desperately wanted to snack, so I decided to take a nap instead. Good plan, I think. That's usually my problem anyways. I can do anything if I am at full mental capacity. I received a lovely email from someone I love this afternoon and I feel encouraged about what a capable and blessed person I am. I can do anything if I decide. And I'm trying to remember that my extremism is necessary. I dunno why I got it in my head that I couldn't serve Jesus and go towards skinniness, but this time in my life has to has to has to has to be about this or I may never get another opportunity to help myself. Selfishness has to come for me for just a little while, even though it isn't really selfish. This is just the way my brain works and I need this right now. Looking forward to the results of me putting my whole heart and will and discipline into something. I won't give up, I won't give up, I won't give up, I won't give up.

Uggghhh, and student teaching banquet on Wed night with all that good food. Maybe there will be chicken and veggies. *crosses fingers* Looking forward to being a better weight for graduation, whatever weight it ends up being... And grad school auditions will see me at a happier weight, and someone I care about that I hope to see will come back in April. If I could just lose 40 lbs in 5 months, which is totally possible... I'd be very happy. I'm not in love, but he is a male figure in my life and its important that I'm pleasing to the male figures in my life. Are you surprised? Its classic psychology. And I just wanna love myself and respect myself, too. And get good opera roles in grad school and beyond. Musetta, please, like for real?

Happy nap time to me.

Whole Package.

My exercise goal has been an hour everyday. The past 2 days I've gotten in 45-50 minutes of walking each. Not quite there. I do have a bum foot though. I am gonna try to get in Y time tomorrow on the elliptical and hopefully that will take a little pressure of my foot problem. I gotta get some more sleep though. This is crazy. No wonder I have a crappy metabolism. Less than 2 weeks til graduation which means tomorrow is the last day to get all my stuff in... That will be a big crazy hurdle out of the way. And then I can focus on what is most important to me right now... this! Oh, and by the way.... I weighed again and I was 2 lbs lower. Water weight, I know I know I know. But it makes me feel better. As long as I don't get too comfortable/excited. This is war against myself!!! And I'm going to do it. Because I'm one of the most determined people you've ever met. I'm smart, I'm talented, I have a kickass resume... and I'm fat. So we're going for the whole package.

Whole package, whole package, whole package. That's what I need in order to be successful in the world. Otherwise all the other stuff is discounted.

By the way, I'm going to get into grad school with an assistantship, and everything's gonna be ok for the next few months until that happens. In case you were wondering... which I do most every minute of every day... Going for the whole package!!!

Today I weighed myself. The results were a little skewed... I didn't do the first thing in the morning thing, I had clothes on, etc. But still. Its apalling--what I'm about to say. I weigh 195. I can't even believe it. I am almost ready to believe that its a mistake, but its pretty close to the truth. I guess we are always ready to shy away from the truth when its ugly. But its true. And somehow I'm gonna have to find a way to deal with that and quick. I feel so disgusting. But I have done hard things in my life, and I will continue to accomplish. I have to. Everything I have ever wanted to be and do in my life is riding on it. I think the worst part is that I basically have gained 30-35 lbs in a year's time. That is sick. Not to mention I was still an easy 30 lbs. overweight at that time... At least I had a waist.

I'm taking leptopril and I had symptoms the first day, but I didn't feel them after that first time. Interesting. I sure hope it helps... I'm afraid. Also, I just messed up because I had some crepes that I thought were gonna be healthy-- instead they were greasy. They had all the right ingredients, just greasy greasy. I am going for a walk tonight as well, maybe run a little.

I have decided to do a cleanse next weekend, when I have time to be away from people, and I probably will try some water pills too (this week). Looking into them anyways. Everything I can do to help myself is a good thing. I'm looking forward to trying SlimQuick after the leptopril, or maybe even alternating. Don't worry, I'm not gonna do all of these things at once. I have boundaries. I just know that I need to do somethings to help my metabolism because it sucks. And also the fact that it makes me stay motivated. I am an all or nothing girl, so if I'm gonna give it all, lets do it. I guess we'll see what happens. Seriously, if I don't start losing weight, I will start going back in to some old habits... I am glad I have a place to air all this out, because I need to talk all this out, and I can't talk to anyone else about it. I don't wanna be judged, and that's all people do.

By the way, until I can really start making a difference, black is my favorite color to wear.

Things I'm eating:

Eggs
Salad
Celery
Carrots
Peppers
Nuts and Berries
Apples
Chicken
Raisin Bran-Sparingly.

That's plenty of variety!

I've realized that I have to do something. And it has to be amazing and drastic and this has to be the most epic thing in the world to me besides getting into grad school. I've done hard and amazing things in my life and this is the project for the next 9 months. I think I can do it if I stick to it. I have good boundaries, I really do. I want to succeed at life too much to let this get the better of me in the long run.

The plan?

Diet pills
Colon cleanse
1 hour of exercise 6 days a week-elliptical, walking, or running.
an extra 30 min exercise when I can fit it in.
I will probably start counting calories/ points soon.
Keep track of my progress pretty much every day.
Weigh on the weekends.

Trying to center my life around working out and practice for the next few months.

Oh, and its it ridiculous to think I could lose 10 lbs. by graduation if I do a cleanse next weekend and I stick to this now?? I'm motivated!!