Big picture.

I had a bowl of raisin bran this morning and chicken pot pie with mashed potatoes, peas and a roll for lunch. I tried really hard not to eat the roll but it was just staring at me. I kinda decided that I'm gonna eat whatever is given to me for lunch, because that is hard to control when you're teaching. Plus, I have a week left. That's all! And then maybe I can really control what I'm doing. I guess I'm kinda nervous about going to PR for C-mas and dealing with all that food, but maybe with my Dad on board about exercise, I can stay motivated. That and the fact that this dear blog gives me the motivation to see my thoughts on the page. Ugh... and I just remembered that I ate one starburst because I wanted/needed something for my throat. The little things are epic, but the big picture is really hard for me, so we are going to focus on that. Big picture!!!

Tonight I need to work out and I'm also trying not to eat anymore. If I do, it will be carrots, an apple, or bell peppers. I have a lot of freaking work to do tonight to finish up my student teaching. It could be a carrot night... For a few minutes I desperately wanted to snack, so I decided to take a nap instead. Good plan, I think. That's usually my problem anyways. I can do anything if I am at full mental capacity. I received a lovely email from someone I love this afternoon and I feel encouraged about what a capable and blessed person I am. I can do anything if I decide. And I'm trying to remember that my extremism is necessary. I dunno why I got it in my head that I couldn't serve Jesus and go towards skinniness, but this time in my life has to has to has to has to be about this or I may never get another opportunity to help myself. Selfishness has to come for me for just a little while, even though it isn't really selfish. This is just the way my brain works and I need this right now. Looking forward to the results of me putting my whole heart and will and discipline into something. I won't give up, I won't give up, I won't give up, I won't give up.

Uggghhh, and student teaching banquet on Wed night with all that good food. Maybe there will be chicken and veggies. *crosses fingers* Looking forward to being a better weight for graduation, whatever weight it ends up being... And grad school auditions will see me at a happier weight, and someone I care about that I hope to see will come back in April. If I could just lose 40 lbs in 5 months, which is totally possible... I'd be very happy. I'm not in love, but he is a male figure in my life and its important that I'm pleasing to the male figures in my life. Are you surprised? Its classic psychology. And I just wanna love myself and respect myself, too. And get good opera roles in grad school and beyond. Musetta, please, like for real?

Happy nap time to me.