So I told my friend the story, and she says I now have the power in the relationship. The truth is, maybe I shouldn't share the bed with him anymore... I fool myself into thinking I'm okay, but its all that I can think about. There's so much comfort in it, but then I feel close to him. And I don't know if that's good if I really am trying to be neutral. I feel so confused, because part of me is so content about what happened, part of me is angsty about it--wondering what's gonna happen and what he's thinking, and part of me is confused about how all this comes into play since I really DON'T wanna be with him.

Its very interesting having the power. And knowing that my body is tempting to him. That fucks with me a lot, because I don't think I've ever had the power, and certainly not because a man wanted to have sex with me. NEVER been in this position before. Very strange to be almost 24 and for this to be happening for the first time. And very strange that its happening at all. Part of me loves knowing that my body is a factor and I feel sexy. The other part of me feels slutty because I don't want to make it hard for him. Really really really I don't. Real love for someone is not doing what is good for you because it feels good, but its considering the other person and helping them make good choices too. If I always flaunt my body but hold sex out, its still not right... Oh boy. And I really do love him in my own weird way. So I want to do good for him.

In other news my eating has gone well the past couple days. I ate very lightly yesterday--didn't succeed at all liquids, but almost. And I went on a 3 mile run, which is saying a lot considering my exercise record lately. At least until I started drinking. And that's because I literally had a couple sips of a Long Beach and was already tipsy, so I shared some nachos with a friend. I didn't eat a lot of them, but enough. And then the ex's sister (who was with us) made some pasta when we got back to the house. And that was also a good choice because I sober up and don't get hungover if I eat something. Even though it was eating, it wasn't gross gluttonous eating...So today I've been yo-yo-ing between 156-155.2. Which is good considering where I was a couple days ago. Tomorrow I'm pseudo liquid fasting again... the only things I have in the house anyways are light soup, smoothies, raisin bran and some cucumbers and tomatoes. I like this, and I can do this. I might break down and have some tomatoes if I need them. But I'm looking forward to seeing a lower number soon.

So I ended up seeing ex boyfriend. He hung out with us all night, turns out. It was relatively not awkward, all things considered. I got drunk and was silly, but still basically everything was okay. Then, when we went back to their house, I slowly sobered up. He however, kept drinking. Of course I stayed over because I live 30 mins away and I always stay over if I"m there late. That's how its been since the beginning, before he and I dated. Anyways, his female roommates went to bed, all the friends left, and he went to bed too, or so I thought. I started to fall asleep and heard him get back up... He was alone on the porch smoking and drinking. I knew I wouldn't get another chance so I went out to just clear the air and make my apologies for anything I had done to hurt him in the relationship. He says I didn't. I left, and then went back out to make sure again :) and he asked me to sit down. We started talking. About everything. Talked for almost 3 hours. Sorted out all the reasons we broke up and shouldn't be together, differences in our beliefs about God, etc etc etc. Clearly he was drunk. I guess I just didn't realize how drunk. After we had talked and sorted everything out, which is all I really needed, he asked me to share the bed with him rather than sleep on the couch. Just sleep.We did that once when we were dating, and it didn't go so well--that time it was really difficult not to have sex. Anyways, I slept in the bed with him last night and this morning he started nuzzling my ear and neck. I was sort of okay with that, but when he started to hold me I told him that was a bad idea if we were gonna keep it not awkward. We had talked about that before bed, that if we were gonna do this that it didn't mean anything...

He must have been really drunk last night because he doesn't remember most of the things we talked about. And when I mentioned the cuddling thing, he said it was a bad idea that we shared a bed and that we shouldn't do it again. I kinda thought it was ok, but I also remember the entirety of the conversation and had few feelings attached to the sleeping situation. I enjoyed the little cuddling that we did, but know that we aren't gonna be together. Not being together is the greater good over any impulse feelings and emotions I may have. I just care about him as a person. I think he feels kind of awkward considering he doesn't remember most of what happened... and that sucks for me. I feel refreshed and happy and at peace with the whole situation, but I don't think he does. Which of course makes me start the cycle of worry again!

I think he still cares about me too. Again, we aren't gonna be together, and probably he knows that and feels the same. But I think he is still attracted to me. In fact, I'm almost for sure that he is. Sure, he's really horny because he's not getting any. But is it possible that I'm beautiful and wonderful and that he sees that? Somehow the fact that he wanted to have sex with me makes a lot of things better in my head, despite the complications. Are women really just this simple? Am I really just this simple? Wow. For now, everything is okay with me, I'm just hoping he and I are good. The plan is to just let it go, let it rest. Hopefully everything will come back to him... and all will be well.

So annoyed. I'm so all or nothing, so when I'm forced to eat for a holiday, why not go all out?!? Ugh. Welp, according to my aunt and uncle's scale, I was 155 all week until Thanksgiving. Which is pb at least a lb lower than mine. So I was probably in the high 156 according to mine. Anyways, I weighed in this morning at 158 after a little bit of breakfast and water, so I thought I was doing okay. I ate a little today, but not a ton. Had a slip up this afternoon with a little bit of leftovers but purged most of it. After that I have only had coffee and a cup of soymilk a little while ago. Weighed in at 159.8. Ouchie :( I took a laxative today so hopefully I will lose some of it tomorrow. And I'm liquid fasting tomorrow. I bought some smoothies at the store, some veggies, some milk, and some corona. Clearly all necessary. Especially the corona. Haha. I'm going happy houring with my ex boyfriends roommates, so I will probably have to see him. I have a couple of extra cute possible outfits planned out, but hopefully I can just avoid him. That means one cocktail only, because I am such a lightweight that if I have more than one I'll pb have to hangout for hours. Especially considering I'm only doing liquids tomorrow :) If I have to hang out from drinking too much, I'll end up having to go back to their house. And clearly that's a terrible idea if I'm avoiding the ex. I wanted to be tender and kind and be friends, but clearly the only way to get through this is to be a little bitchy and avoid him. He's not mature enough to be friends. According to his BFF, in so many words, he finds me disgusting and can't stand to be around me. Supposedly. I know this is his problem, because even though I am not as thin as I should be, I'm amazing. I was a great girlfriend with a lot to offer. Asshole. Your problem, not mine! So avoid him I will. Shut him out I will. I won't really be hurting him because that's what he wants maybe, but I will be protecting my own heart.

Maybe I won't have to see him at all. Or only breifly. That would be ok. Yay for liquid fasting!

Well, I haven't been doing too too bad til just now. I was topping 160, so I started to eat less. I've had some Starbucks, but other than than my eating has been pristine. So I got to my aunt and uncles (for Thanksgiving break) and weigh in at 155.2. I'm dying to lose, but with the busy semester I've had, I've done well to maintain... Just hoping to lose ten lbs between now and next semester. Anyways, my aunt and uncle offer me something to eat and I refuse. But they've got this bowl of candy on the table in the kitchen... I ask for a glass of milk because my stomach is killing me. After they go to bed I eat 4 mini twix and a mini pack of M&M's. And then I try and puke it up. I'm sure I got rid of a few calories and some milk came up, but GAH. I knew better than to try and puke candy up. I've got to stop purging. Really.

Mistakes happen. Tomorrow I try again. I'm dying to see 152. And then 149. And then 145. Here I come.

I’m letting it sink in that no matter how good, kind or considerate you try to be, some people will not choose to be your friend. And the better realization that follows is that while I have my flaws, it really is their loss. Yay for growing up.


Also, while I realize that being thin will not make me happy, it will make me happier than being fat. Throwing up will take away the hopes and dreams I hold on to (plus my teeth). Starving will at least provide me with the control I need. Especially since I have no control over how other people feel about me. I hate men.

Let the restriction begin. (Except for Thursday of course, where I will make good choices.)

I stopped purging. I would like to say for good, but its probably a lie. But for now I'm done. Today I starved myself. I ate raisin bran for breakfast and that's it. Not gonna lie, I enjoyed myself. I felt in control. I felt together--like I used to feel when I did it in middle and high school. I feel in control when I don't eat, out of control when I do. Even when I puke, its like getting out of control and undoing it. I know this is all basic psychology/stating the obvious, but I just wanna say it anyways.

Its just really strange that I enjoyed starving today, because I usually don't. Or haven't in a while. Thoughts of starvation are fleeting and then I get over it and don't want to anymore lately. But today I really wanted to. I want to tomorrow too. I'm having lunch with a friend who has a layover at Denver Airport. Oh well. I just need to remember how great it is to be this in control and keep it that way!

I'm fat. And I don't wanna be. I want to be in control of myself.