So I told my friend the story, and she says I now have the power in the relationship. The truth is, maybe I shouldn't share the bed with him anymore... I fool myself into thinking I'm okay, but its all that I can think about. There's so much comfort in it, but then I feel close to him. And I don't know if that's good if I really am trying to be neutral. I feel so confused, because part of me is so content about what happened, part of me is angsty about it--wondering what's gonna happen and what he's thinking, and part of me is confused about how all this comes into play since I really DON'T wanna be with him.
Its very interesting having the power. And knowing that my body is tempting to him. That fucks with me a lot, because I don't think I've ever had the power, and certainly not because a man wanted to have sex with me. NEVER been in this position before. Very strange to be almost 24 and for this to be happening for the first time. And very strange that its happening at all. Part of me loves knowing that my body is a factor and I feel sexy. The other part of me feels slutty because I don't want to make it hard for him. Really really really I don't. Real love for someone is not doing what is good for you because it feels good, but its considering the other person and helping them make good choices too. If I always flaunt my body but hold sex out, its still not right... Oh boy. And I really do love him in my own weird way. So I want to do good for him.
In other news my eating has gone well the past couple days. I ate very lightly yesterday--didn't succeed at all liquids, but almost. And I went on a 3 mile run, which is saying a lot considering my exercise record lately. At least until I started drinking. And that's because I literally had a couple sips of a Long Beach and was already tipsy, so I shared some nachos with a friend. I didn't eat a lot of them, but enough. And then the ex's sister (who was with us) made some pasta when we got back to the house. And that was also a good choice because I sober up and don't get hungover if I eat something. Even though it was eating, it wasn't gross gluttonous eating...So today I've been yo-yo-ing between 156-155.2. Which is good considering where I was a couple days ago. Tomorrow I'm pseudo liquid fasting again... the only things I have in the house anyways are light soup, smoothies, raisin bran and some cucumbers and tomatoes. I like this, and I can do this. I might break down and have some tomatoes if I need them. But I'm looking forward to seeing a lower number soon.
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Your last two entries have really gotten under my skin...so much I wanted to say and couldn't figure out the words to express in the way I wanted to express them, but I'm gonna try right now.
ReplyDeleteWhen your ex was drunk and you talked with him and slept in the same bed with him, he was the vulnerable one, yes.
But being present in someone's moment of vulnerability (especially if the tables have been turned somehow) is not the same as having the "power" in a relationship.
In fact, the use of the word "power" in relation to human interactions is a key sign that someone is insecure, as a secure person realizes all persons are equal in their humanity--none better than another as we all burn, bleed, and die exactly the same way.
To be vulnerable with grace shows strength, to manipulate someone who is vulnerable displays not power, but weakness.
You and your ex are in a mutually awkward place; the end of one type of interaction but the continuance of a mutually cordial acquaintance involves delicate balances. You must respect each other's boundaries and personal space.
He dated you because he was attracted to you for whatever reasons he had...physical, psychological, emotional, and breaking up doesn't change that. But feeling sexy or beautiful shouldn't be tied to knowing that someone *else* finds you appealing because that yo-yo of gratification/desperation becomes a wicked cycle to break.
You ARE beautiful you ARE attractive you ARE sexy whether there is someone else there to appreciate/see it or not. It's a part of you which is inherent to yourself and is something you either embrace and project or disregard and suppress.
Don't fall into the trap of circling the light in a man's eyes the way the earth circles the sun. It's a dizzy, unfilling way to experience love and relationships in general.
You can be your own light. :)