So I ended up seeing ex boyfriend. He hung out with us all night, turns out. It was relatively not awkward, all things considered. I got drunk and was silly, but still basically everything was okay. Then, when we went back to their house, I slowly sobered up. He however, kept drinking. Of course I stayed over because I live 30 mins away and I always stay over if I"m there late. That's how its been since the beginning, before he and I dated. Anyways, his female roommates went to bed, all the friends left, and he went to bed too, or so I thought. I started to fall asleep and heard him get back up... He was alone on the porch smoking and drinking. I knew I wouldn't get another chance so I went out to just clear the air and make my apologies for anything I had done to hurt him in the relationship. He says I didn't. I left, and then went back out to make sure again :) and he asked me to sit down. We started talking. About everything. Talked for almost 3 hours. Sorted out all the reasons we broke up and shouldn't be together, differences in our beliefs about God, etc etc etc. Clearly he was drunk. I guess I just didn't realize how drunk. After we had talked and sorted everything out, which is all I really needed, he asked me to share the bed with him rather than sleep on the couch. Just sleep.We did that once when we were dating, and it didn't go so well--that time it was really difficult not to have sex. Anyways, I slept in the bed with him last night and this morning he started nuzzling my ear and neck. I was sort of okay with that, but when he started to hold me I told him that was a bad idea if we were gonna keep it not awkward. We had talked about that before bed, that if we were gonna do this that it didn't mean anything...

He must have been really drunk last night because he doesn't remember most of the things we talked about. And when I mentioned the cuddling thing, he said it was a bad idea that we shared a bed and that we shouldn't do it again. I kinda thought it was ok, but I also remember the entirety of the conversation and had few feelings attached to the sleeping situation. I enjoyed the little cuddling that we did, but know that we aren't gonna be together. Not being together is the greater good over any impulse feelings and emotions I may have. I just care about him as a person. I think he feels kind of awkward considering he doesn't remember most of what happened... and that sucks for me. I feel refreshed and happy and at peace with the whole situation, but I don't think he does. Which of course makes me start the cycle of worry again!

I think he still cares about me too. Again, we aren't gonna be together, and probably he knows that and feels the same. But I think he is still attracted to me. In fact, I'm almost for sure that he is. Sure, he's really horny because he's not getting any. But is it possible that I'm beautiful and wonderful and that he sees that? Somehow the fact that he wanted to have sex with me makes a lot of things better in my head, despite the complications. Are women really just this simple? Am I really just this simple? Wow. For now, everything is okay with me, I'm just hoping he and I are good. The plan is to just let it go, let it rest. Hopefully everything will come back to him... and all will be well.