I have very nearly relapsed into full blown bulimia lately, but I stopped myself. I am not eating very well, but I am trying to be a disciplined runner again. I miss it for so many reasons. We'll see what happens!

I bought a scale but I haven't used it yet. You may see a panicked post from me when I finally do.

I am alive. I don't know what to say. Maybe sometime soon I'll be able to talk. It just doesn't feel worth the effort. If you still read maybe you can send me a shout out. I would love that :)

I'll write soon.

So much has happened in a month. Just to warn you, I am teeny bit tipsy, but not bad. I have been bawling my eyes out. Mostly because I am ridiculous. A tiny part because I have a right to be sad.

Since I wrote last month, I have met the man I am going to marry. I know that sounds like the craziest thing ever. I don't care. Ironically, it wasn't the ex's friend... He was the one I thought I was so compatible with.

It was the other one. For some crazy reason, I lost my virginity to him.

If you know anything about me, virginity has been a big deal, hang up, issue for me. I'm 25. I'm one of the last of a dying breed.

He was a virgin too. There's nothing wrong with him... He was just painfully shy all his life. Its intersting. Trust me when I say that while I have never, ever been attracted to an Asian, he is the hottest thing ever.  There is not a thing wrong with him--he is a very thoughtful and sweet man. And right for me. That's mostly what counts.

I love him. I am going to marry him. And have his quarter Korean, quarter puertorican, half white babies. They are going to be the most beautiful children that ever lived.

I know I sound crazy. I am. But everything I have said so far is true! It just hasn't happened yet, the whole him falling in love with me yet. But it will. Trust me.

He had surgery yesterday. I lost my virginity to him last Friday. It hasn't even been a week. It was the most magical virginity losing that anyone has ever had. Just saying.

Anyways, we have slept together twice. In less than a week since this happened, he had surgery on his leg. (He is a rock climber. Stupid climbers. Stupid Boulder. Stupid rocks. Why do boys have to be so interested in danger?) He was under general anesthesia and didn't feel well enough to see me yesterday after the surgery. Today, didn't seem well enough either. Problem is, it was one of the most stressful days of the whole school year for me, so all I wanted was to be hugged and kissed and cuddled by my boyfriend. That, and a big ass margarita.

So of course he didn't feel up to seeing me. Godammit.

We talked about it via text, what happened tonight. This guy and I agreed not to play the dating game, previously (in person). So trying to tell him how I feel... well I'm trying to do that. Sure, he needs to be trained because he's pretty inexperienced? (So says some people....). So do I train him by giving him the silent treatment all the time (one girl's suggestion) or just tell him what I need?

I am scarred. Relationships and vulnerability are so hard for me (hard for anyone, really), especially because of my shitty family history. He knows. He knew before he slept with me. He was sweet about it then, but I don't know if he REALLY knows how it its affecting me.

Of course, because of hormones, dopamine and such, now that I have slept with him I want to be with him every moment of every day. Inconvenient when your man is having a major surgery less than a week after you slept with him for the first time.

Anyways, here's what I did after I didn't get to see him. The loving thing is to understand and give him space. This is a shitload for him to deal with, even if he didn't have me on top of it. But I was so desperate to see him. Why I'm so fucking crazy... ugh. Anyways, I told him I was sad and frustrated but that I understood.

After a couple glasses of wine, I flipped. HE NEEDS to want me like I want him. I CAN'T do this if he doesn't want me that way. So I deleted his number. And conversations. Ironic that while I was bawling my eyes out he texted me back. Deleted that too. Can't do this. He needs to text me back tomorrow.

I CAN'T BE VULNERABLE WITH ANYONE WHO DOESN'T WANT ME THE WAY I WANT HIM BACK.

I know I am being ridiculous, but this is what needs to happen. I know he wants me. But I need to give him a chance to want me, so I am. I AM NOT PURSUING HIM. So that's the way its gonna be.

I'll let you know.

The worst part about this is that I am doing a summer internship in Atlanta all of June and July. So he is gonna miss me and needs to spend every waking moment with me now.

Fucking surgery. Wrecking everything. Maybe its for the best. Real life happens to everyone.

I know I sound like one of those crazy girls. That's why I am writing it here instead of to him.

After the last post, I just have one observation to make.

J. made a comment about how I had been coy in my flirtation, and maybe I should be more straightforward. HA.

UGH.

I can't stand it when men say they want women to be straightforward and honest about how they feel, but when the woman actually does, THEY CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE IT. Its too much for them.

I don't think, although I don't know for sure, that J. will not be calling me for another date. It went fine. I was myself, always the goal. My ex, his BFF came up... some awkwardness tied into that. But its fine. I think maybe he's just too backward to actually go through with it.

Or maybe its because he's working on his PhD comps this week.

Or maybe the ex told him some shit about me. Whatever.

Or maybe he's just not that into me.

Whatever the case, I want you to know, and I want him to know, and I want to remind me even though I already know, that I am awesome. I have issues and some fuckedupness, just like anyone, but I will be good for someone. Sometime. Maybe not him. And maybe just not right now. But that's ok. I am ok with that.

I like the way I look. Mostly. And even when I don't I'm learning to.

I like who I am. That's not hard. Who I am is a sweet and genuine person, I just stick my foot in my mouth sometimes. But I have a great heart.

I have a lot of amazing shit going on. So excited to sing. I am a little worried about school work for the semester. But a whole lot of amazing shit is happening otherwise.

The other boy, R., is taking me to a really nice restaurant for our 2nd date. I am really kind of surprised... I feel like he might kinda like me :)

and if he doesn't... OH WELL. I like me :)

My weight is still kinda fluctuating, but its dipping a teensy bit lower... Hopefully I can keep that up. I pray to God I can keep that up.

SO TIRED. More to do that I possibly can. Not gonna have a long post, but here are the highlights.

Two dates this week! One with a guy I've known awhile, my ex's best friend. I've been broken up with the ex and even though it wasn't amicable per se, I haven't even seen him in a year. If he doesn't like it he can suck it. I think I could be really interested in ex's best friend...we'll call him J. He seems genuinely interested in me. Very smart. Physicist. Loves classical music, but doesn't know as much about it as me, so I challenge him even though he's brilliant. I think we are well-matched. Other guy, R., is someone I met online :/ I don't love the online dating thing but my friend talked me into it... I don't try very hard but I'll talk to guys if they talk to me first. Went on one date and he asked for a 2nd, seemed to like me. I'm more excited about J. because we have a little history now, but its fun to have two!

Singing competition went AMAZINGLY WELL. I kicked ass, and got an honorable mention. So many singing gigs coming up. So excited.

Weight fluxuating a little. I lost a few lbs that I had gained and now I am holding steady. Trying to just eat when my body wants and to savor it, so that I feel sated and not deprived.

More another day. SO TIRED.

It's been hard today. A struggle at different moments. Had a great singing day and feel awesome about my competition. I feel awful about how I look. This new discovery of filming what I look like is interesting. A dose of reality for sure. Is it possible to love yourself just as you are and improve yourself at the same time?? I want to lose weight. I NEED to lose weight. It's the truth. I can do hard things. And I can do them for the right reasons. I am an amazing person. And if I didn't change a thing it'd be ok, but since I'm here, I can do good things for my body. I'm gonna try hard.

I've been on the edge of sick with a sinus infection for a few days. Quite irritating.

Yesterday I had a vocal coaching in preparation for a competition I'm in this weekend. I'm ready, but I totally feel not so ready. The coaching didn't go very well.

The truth is, I can do this... I'm a GREAT singer and I can do this. I could win this thing if all of my confidence, love of singing (just enjoying the stage while I'm on it), good singing days (no post nasal drainage or acid reflux problems), and mental capacities aligned with themselves.

I'm a GREAT singer. I'm telling you this so that I can also tell me this, but its true. I just really want to go on stage and enjoy myself, no matter what happens. I don't expect to win, and I don't want to expect to win. I just want to really love what I'm doing.

I am trying, scrambling to finish an independent study this semester and I was watching a video of myself teach.

I am fat.

Like really fat.

I am trying to work on that.

It hurts that its one of the main reasons my father doesn't accept me, although God knows there are plenty of other reasons.

I read this book this week, and probably will re-read, called Heaven is Here. Its the story of this woman named Stephanie Nielson who was in a plane crash with her husband, and 80% of her body was burned. She is disfigured, particularly on her face, for life. First, its incredible that she has a husband who not only stayed with her, but was completely wonderful through the whole ordeal. Second, at the end of the book (which made me bawl like every chapter) she talks about how beauty is only skin deep and there are so many things in life and in this world to be grateful for.

It sounds so cliche, but her message touched me to my core. I can admit that even though I am fat, I am still beautiful. Some people think that thin=beautiful and that's it.

I don't want to buy that anymore. I DO want to be at a weight that is happy for me. But I genuinely, with all my heart, everything that is in me and beyond me, want to just rest in who I am.

I didn't like what I saw in that teaching video. If I was just looking at my appearance.

BUT. Videos make you look worse than you are in pictures anyways... I was not wearing the best jacket for the situation. And I'm a GREAT teacher. I really am. The fact that I am where I am after two years of teaching only is amazing.

I have an awesome heart. I am a talented individual. I AM beautiful in more ways than one. And I am fat, but I am working on that and will probably continue til I am satisfied or until I die.

In the meantime... I have so so so much to offer the world. My heart is overflowing with it. I WOULD like to win that competition on Saturday. But more than that, I want to move people with my song. And the song of my life as well.