I've been on the edge of sick with a sinus infection for a few days. Quite irritating.
Yesterday I had a vocal coaching in preparation for a competition I'm in this weekend. I'm ready, but I totally feel not so ready. The coaching didn't go very well.
The truth is, I can do this... I'm a GREAT singer and I can do this. I could win this thing if all of my confidence, love of singing (just enjoying the stage while I'm on it), good singing days (no post nasal drainage or acid reflux problems), and mental capacities aligned with themselves.
I'm a GREAT singer. I'm telling you this so that I can also tell me this, but its true. I just really want to go on stage and enjoy myself, no matter what happens. I don't expect to win, and I don't want to expect to win. I just want to really love what I'm doing.
I am trying, scrambling to finish an independent study this semester and I was watching a video of myself teach.
I am fat.
Like really fat.
I am trying to work on that.
It hurts that its one of the main reasons my father doesn't accept me, although God knows there are plenty of other reasons.
I read this book this week, and probably will re-read, called Heaven is Here. Its the story of this woman named Stephanie Nielson who was in a plane crash with her husband, and 80% of her body was burned. She is disfigured, particularly on her face, for life. First, its incredible that she has a husband who not only stayed with her, but was completely wonderful through the whole ordeal. Second, at the end of the book (which made me bawl like every chapter) she talks about how beauty is only skin deep and there are so many things in life and in this world to be grateful for.
It sounds so cliche, but her message touched me to my core. I can admit that even though I am fat, I am still beautiful. Some people think that thin=beautiful and that's it.
I don't want to buy that anymore. I DO want to be at a weight that is happy for me. But I genuinely, with all my heart, everything that is in me and beyond me, want to just rest in who I am.
I didn't like what I saw in that teaching video. If I was just looking at my appearance.
BUT. Videos make you look worse than you are in pictures anyways... I was not wearing the best jacket for the situation. And I'm a GREAT teacher. I really am. The fact that I am where I am after two years of teaching only is amazing.
I have an awesome heart. I am a talented individual. I AM beautiful in more ways than one. And I am fat, but I am working on that and will probably continue til I am satisfied or until I die.
In the meantime... I have so so so much to offer the world. My heart is overflowing with it. I WOULD like to win that competition on Saturday. But more than that, I want to move people with my song. And the song of my life as well.