Dudes. I'm about to start starving myself again. Tempted. Really. I'd throw up to my hearts content (pun intended or not intended, I'm not really sure) but I can never go back to that if I am to keep singing and making progress.
Part of me really wants to just accept myself as I am. And part of me believes that I am just going to keep gaining which is the antithesis to accepting myself as I am in the long run. Its just going to make it worse.
I keep wondering to myself, if I never gained or lost another pound, if I could stay this exact size forever and ever, could I be ok with that? I think the answer is yes. If I gained another 5 lbs, I think the answer would still be yes. If I gained 20 lbs? I think I would like the answer to be yes, but I don't think it could be.
I am really trying to do the deep and genuine work of accepting. I really, really, really am. I don't know how to do this. At all.
What I can say is that I genuinely love my life more than I ever have before, at any point in my entire life. I have only to look around me and I find excuses to be grateful, and to allow joy to bubble up inside me. There are times when I don't believe in God anymore, but then this joy bubbles up inside me, but its not coming from inside. Its like its being thrown at me from some external source.... Its kinda weird. But no matter how much I want not to believe in God anymore, I really do want to believe. I can't explain it. And even though there are things I would like to be different, and even though I have so much more to accomplish in my life, I don't want to lose or ignore what I have and what is beautiful in this moment, this milisecond of my life.
I used to pray that God would make me not be fat anymore. That didn't really work. Maybe God doesn't ever work the way we think, if he even exists in the way we think at all... I know that something in this universe is real, and that love has something to do with it. And I want to know what that's about. And I also know that there's something in me that just won't let me walk away from Jesus, no matter how much I desperately want to. I wish I had more answers.
So I was thinking. God didn't answer my prayers, ever, about being fat. I'm still fat. I really am. You can be nice and try to tell me I'm not, but I am. But can I accept myself the way I am? Fat and all? I'm getting there. It takes work, but its a work I am willing to struggle and trudge and claw my way through. So maybe loving myself for who I am is a much better gift than making me thin? I think so. Accepting myself the way I am? I can so do that. I'm right on the edge of it, about to fall back, but I think I could stay here. But accept myself at a fatter weight? No, its too painful.
I feel like I can't regulate, can't trust myself to stay here (even though the obvious answer is that I really don't WANT to stay here, even though I could. I still WANT to be thinner, but I realize the value of everything I am right now and that I am not defined by my size). The problem is always for me, has always been, that I can do destructive, miserable things and lower my weight, or I can eat "normally" and just keep gaining forever.
I don't really know what to do. I don't really know how to be, who to be. I really want to be an opera singer and a teacher and love God, and either be ok with exactly how I am or keep getting thinner.
And I really want to be loved by a man and have beautiful children that I can love unconditionally.
I can be who I am now, I think... I'm trying so so so so hard. But I can't get fatter and keep this optimism up. And I can't starve or purge or do anything and keep this optimism up.
And on top of that, I am trying to listen to my body, only eat when I'm genuinely hungry, eat only good things, etc. What if its not enough?