Some of my drama is slightly subsided, and some it has relaxed only because I have done what I need to do to be kind to people that are not always kind to me. One of my friends wrote me an email stating her greivances against me. It kind of blindsided me. It hurt. But I wrote her back and just said that I didn't realize I was offending her (I thought in the particular action that I was being kind) and that I would never offend her on purpose, that I was sorry and would she forgive me. Ironically she wrote me back and said it was all good. Ironic, considering I was stressing.
Reminds me of that Proverb, "A gentle word turns away wrath." I don't know exactly where it is, but I try really hard to practice that. You can argue with people... and sometimes you SHOULD pick your battles, but most of the time its best to just be gentle and apologize. I've learned that in teaching--when I offend parents, I should always have a listening ear and a gentle response. It doesn't mean I have to ever give people the satisfaction of being right, it just means I have to care about their feelings in the situation.
Today I spent part of the day with a friend that loves me for me, and I also bought birthday presents for my parents (yeah, the ones that aren't talking to me/don't treat me well/hurt me a lot), my roommate whose nerves I've been getting on, and etc. I am trying really hard to be a loving person and friend...
Actually, here's the thing. By nature I AM a loving person and friend, but I am not always gentle or soft spoken. I say what I think. That pisses people off sometimes. I want to be who I am with ease, all the time. I don't want to piss people off. There's a problem that lies somewhere between those two :(
I'll be fine. Maneuvering life is complicated sometimes. It just so happens that a lot of relational shit hit me at once the past few weeks, all while I'm trying to maneuver being completely happy with myself (a very hard and dirty job!) and being okay with being single and fine with it while I'm desperately lonely. I'm gonna be fine. I am a loving person who gets dealt a shit hand sometimes, just like we all do.
Can you tell I'm a little tipsy while I'm writing this?!? Trying to enjoy spring break-ness for the little that I have left...
My thought a little while ago was to eat good, since I won't be eating for awhile, but that is an old, old habit I don't want anymore. Its that "i'll start tomorrow" attitude I've had for a while. I remember in high school eating to the point of throwing up intentionally so that I would be sated and wouldn't have to eat the next day, while effectively throwing up what I was eating at that time.
I don't want to be that person again, ever. I don't mind being pudgy. I would like to be less pudgy than I am. Twenty pounds ago I really liked who I was. I am trying to like who I am now, but I know I need to be very mindful of my eating from a very healthy perspective.
I have been avoiding gluten for a while... I don't really get sick from it, but it keeps inflammation down to avoid it. Today I had the thought that really, if I'm truly doing it for health reasons (I'm doing it for singing reasons too) I should avoid carbs altogether. I can do that now. I'm not so crazy desperate now. I DO want to do things that help me appreciate myself. I am a little afeared of this month coming up... but I CAN DO THIS! And I belive, in this journey that I am in, that as I learn to eat healthy out of self-love, and as I learn to listen to my body, that I will lose weight naturally. Not quickly, but eventually. I really do believe this.
I can love myself. My horny, horny self... And one day a lovely man will come along and love me the way I am... and take care of that horny part of me :) (I warned you... tipsy, and very honest even when I'm not!) I believe what I am saying. I hold to it, because I don't know what else to do!