I've been sucking at keeping up with this. I miss my girls PD and GTMS-Becca, too.

New plan for me: Get up at 8 am and walk for at least thirty minutes everyday. I lost the most weight when I was doing this and restricting, so I decided that my body needs a boost first thing. Plus I need a regular sleep schedule to help me. Today I did it and so far I have had a 300 cal smoothie, some coffee and a few triscuits. I have to eat tonight, so it will depend on how well I do, but I will estimate that I will have an 800-900 cal day today. And I am running tonight- hopefully it won't rain. Wish me luck. Love you girls and I'm sorry I've been sucking at keeping this up... just been in a mental crisis because I can't lose and have no more willpower to starve. I don't seem to lose even when I starve, and that's what I care about. My weight is holding steady, only fluctuating a little bit depending on what I eat, when I have a bowel movement, etc...

Looked at pics of my friend's bday party. They are all so beautiful. Will I ever be as good as them?

I decided that I need to start running again. I'm getting flabby all over. I've been running but just not as often, but I'm gonna have to go back to everyday. I'm so lazy.

So I purged twice this week. But I wrote one of my friends an email... my old counselor actually... and told him. I know when I disclose information, I'll stop doing it. I don't want him to be disappointed. I think it worked. For now.

Today I did pretty well til the night. I didn't eat a ton but it was very bad food. I hate food.

I am weary. I can't seem to do any significant damage to the scale. I grow frustrated. My metabolism has slowed considerably since I started this endeavor. 37 lbs later, I am weary. I'm seriously considering eating light to normal and just making myself work out really hard every single day. Would that help?!? I dunno. I don't know what to do. Even starving just makes me feel miserable with very few results.

I know I sound crazy. I am. I'm so disappointed in everything I am. I'm not going anywhere fast. At least that's the way it feels today. Maybe I will be fat forever. But I have to try not to be. I know I can reach my goals. I know I can be thin. I know I can be an opera singer. I just have to keep going and keep trying. I can do this. Right now, I need to sleep.

Things I want in the world:

1) To teach next year. And live on my own, not with my Aunt and Uncle, and only with a roommate if I want them.

2)To be debt free at some point. That may be a very long time from now :(

3)To be an opera singer, and sing at the Sydney Opera House someday. Or something like that.

4)To own my own house.

5)I think I want to get married and have children. I think... Only if I actually find someone to love that won't make me miserable. My parents fucked me up way to much for me to put up with crap from anyone else EVER. It better be worth it if I'm gonna bother.

6)To weigh 100 lbs.

7) To get my doctorate. Hopefully in Vocal Performance. And if not, maybe in something else really cool like ethnomusicology or the psychology of music performance or something that requires some scholarly research. I want to either be an amazing singer or an expert at something.

8)To weight 100 lbs.

9)To maintain 100 lbs.

10)To not be fat.

11)To weigh 100 lbs.

12)To be empty. I like empty. Empty is strong. I guess that ones more of a progression though...

Dear Lovelies,

I just want you to know how much I adore you! You are awesome. I don't know why or how I have as many as I do, but you are much appreciated even when I don't comment or post for that matter.

I've been kind of sucking. I gained :( I was holding at 158 and I knew I needed a boost, a spike day. That turned into a few. And now I'm 161. Ew. That's why its scary to eat. Family stuff got in the way... and of course I can't do anythign in moderation. I always feel like "well, enjoy it because its over and you're never eating again..." Ugh. This morning I purged, and I never purge. But it was my way of getting my mind back in control, you know? I have been reading up on fasting and I really want to do a real one. Let's see how the next few days go... Hm.

I'm not giving up. I'm NEVER giving up. I will be skinny. I hope for sooner, but if it has to be later, then it just has to be. But I WILL BE SKINNY!

Ugh! I feel like I deserve to be fat! I ate lunch with my friend yesterday... it would have been weird not to... and it caused me to spiral out of control. Ice cream and cookies. The remains of which are sitting in front of me now. I'm pathetic.

But I'm done. No more. Fasting starts now. For real. I know I've said this a couple times, but really. I'M GONNA DO THIS!

Sorry I let everyone down :(

I did too much eating the past 2 days, and now I'm done. Back to fasting. I'm looking forward to it, and having control over myself. I'm sorry I'm such a sucky poster and that I don't comment much these days. Will you forgive me? I love you all. I really do.

Also many thanks to my lovely Athanasy for the lovely award :)

I'm losing. More slowly than I wanted. But I am. Just weighed. 156.4. I dunno if it counts because this morning I was 158.2 after a bowel movement, and this 156 was after drinking water and coffee all day. I know coffee dehydrates, but I was drinking a lot of water too.

Whatever. I know I'm losing, even if its not as fast as I would like. Fuck food. Starving is working. I can do this! Yahoo! I will lose lose lose. I cannot wait! I really believe if I kept this up I could be 140ish by next month. I mean... if I'm really 156 then its only 16 lbs. Which is a lot but not really...

Wow. I'm losing. I love losing weight. And therefore I love starving. There's no other way to do it.

Past few days I've been doing well til last night. I had plans to cook with a friend, but we axed those. But my favorite professor wanted to take me out to eat after the recital... I could easily say no, but you don't understand how much I love love love this prof. She's like a mother to me. Way more mother than mine has ever been. So we went. I caved and ate dinner. And that led to eating lots of junk after that. I don't even wanna list all that I ate last night.... after it I went running.

And somehow... today... 157.6. I've been going down a lb for the last 3 days, well sort of. Yesterday I teetered between 159 and 158. But how the hell did I manage this?? I'm not gonna complain. I'm so happy. I just HAVE to keep this going.

Oh and by the way, I remember again that I can never be good enough or beautiful or anything I could ever possibly want to be unless I am thin. I'm a fatass. But I will not stop until I'm thin. Food is not even a desire today. I'm too tired.

I feel like my body is shutting down. I felt tipsy most of the day... except I didn't drink. Need sleep. Need to be thin. Will never be good enough until I am.

I finally finally finally am 159. Haven't eaten basically for three days... until tonight. Baked some cupcakes for my friend's graduate voice recital... didn't eat one!!! Although I did kind of lick some icing and batter... it wasn't that good. But I didn't eat a lot of it!

I drank a 150 cal breakfast shake and had a salad with feta and italian dressing. I was at my friend's house baking and she kept offering food etc. Oh, and I had half a homemade dinner roll. Whatev. I'm so tired I couldn't care less about anything.

I am so tired and emotionally and mentally spent that I have a general feeling of anxiety and guilt and fear and disappointment and can't tell you exactly why. And I don't have any time to deal with any of it. I need to sleep. And have a freaking day off for all day long. At least I have most of the evening off tomorrow... SLEEEEEEP!!!

I wanna lose. I am such a fat cow. I'm doing better... I lost a lb, but how freaking long have I been stuck?? I should have lost 20 by now.

Soooo tired.

My darlings! I missed you!

Ladies, I'm sorry I abandoned you. I took a little "break." I was sucking so bad at everything, but I'm back and ready to starve on. I missed you, but I was still reading!

I dunno how much commenting I will be doing, but I'm gonna keep up as best I can!

Love you all!

What must it be like to be beautiful? All I feel is ugly and fat. What must it be like to be so naturally thin and gorgeous?

Or even to be pretty and average size? Nope. Instead I am destined to be fat. I can't control my eating. I'm so out of control. I need a buddy. One of my buddies quit on me. The other one lectures me all the time and anytime I ask for help and motivation, she gives me the bullshit that she doesn't wanna help me get sicker.

Bullshit. I'm not sick. Unless sick=fat. And then I'm pretty close to terminal.

What is it like to be pretty? Will I ever know? Even when I am good, my weight seems not to budge. I run. I restrict. The scale doesn't budge.

What is it like to be pretty?