Some serious self loathing going on. If you only knew how bad its gotten in the time I've been away, and how much better it HASN'T since I've been back.

I'm sad. But I will find something nice to wear tomorrow and try again for another day...

So I had "breakfast" which was about 250 cals of whatever was around. A mini clif bar, some beef jerky. My plan is onl coffee and tea the rest of the day. I can so do that. And yoga and walking today.

The good news: I did yoga and I ran today.

The bad news: I ate way more than I wanted to, including chocolate. Sad day.

The good news: I wanted to finish my leftovers from lunch, but I didn't.

The good news: I can pace myself through those and they can be my "all day" food tomorrow.

Progress... progress.

I'm failing badly. But I don't want to be negative about it, I just want to keep trying. Its just that I keep trying and I keep failing. Ugh.

All I wanna do is purge, but I'm not going to do that.

It's bad. It's really bad. I weighed myself. And yet, all the practice I've done in being positive about myself seems to have made a dent. Insomuch as I know it's really bad... But I am only selectively capable of the utter self hate that brings about meaningful change. So instead I keep eating. And feel nothing.

Today went well during the day, only coffee and an English muffin.

But then...

Stupid holiday party. I didn't exactly gorge myself, but let's just say, Puerto Rican food is NOT healthy. Or light in calories.

Tommorow is another day. I'm having lunch with my cousin's wife tomorrow. Salad it is.

Good news, I did run today! Pathetically, but its a re-start! I am about to begin training for a half marathon.

I know I'm updating like a gazillion times a day. Get over it, its what I need to be doing right now.

I'm doing pretty badly by some standards. But I am making progress compared with where I was. Every morning is new. At least I am not purging. I WILL NOT PURGE. I can't do that. I won't.

Tomorrow, try try again. I'm afraid its not gonna go very well, but I'm gonna try.

The title of a blog... I think it shut down, not sure? But it's title inspires me: "hunger hurts, but starving works."

Damn it. Feel so fat. Can't wait for Christmas to be over! I hate it when my family shoves food in my face without asking!

It's very very hard not to purge. It's the easiest way, especially when I fuck up.

And it's also the reason I have severe acid reflux that is affecting my voice.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, but I won't be in a forced eating situation, so try, try again.

Dammit. I ate. Of course.


And now the girls are going around the room asking about guys... Do I have a guy in my life? I wanna say, "hell no, have you seen me? Don't you know I'm unlovable?"

Why am I so cynical about myself? I shouldn't be. I am okay... So why can't I convince myself that I am?

Bachelorette party. Food. Wine. Singing tomorrow. People that I'm insecure around. Fat ass. Drinking on an empty stomach, convincing myself thats okay, and that i dont really need to eat anything...Anxiety about all of the above.

Last night I caved bad... I was drinking, arguing with a friend via facebook AND arguing with my bro via skype. I binged on pretzels and marshmallows. Normally I wouldn't even have these things but I am sending some things to my bro as a care package to Kuwait. So they were there.

This morning I was sick, so unfortunately I had to eat something. Sad day, but I felt better. It was a chicken salad sandwich. Later I had a latte with skim and sugar free syrup. For dinner--chicken and veggies and wine (and a few pieces of buttery popcorn later). I was with a friend all day, having a girls day. Tommorrow will be a little better, but I am going to a bachelorette party, so hopefully I can skip the food part of that party... We'll see.

Not getting down on myself. Just being level headed and trying again and again every day. And lots of yoga. And hopefully picking up running again soon (when the snow storm passes!).

Sorry Kazehana but I need to be invited one more time! Anonymous9416@aol.com. Sorry! I promise to do what I'm supposed to this time :)

Oh, and another thing.

I have this tendency to talk about how all men suck and how they are dogs and blah blah blah. Sure, my father disappointed me in some great ways. But in relationships I have not been repeatedly disappointed, mostly because I haven't had many. And that's fine... and probably a really good thing.

I think I need to be more positive, or at least silent about men. They are NOT all dogs. There are a FEW good ones in the world. And I intend to be with a very, very, very good one, or not at all.

I'd rather die a virgin, alone, than be with a man that doesn't value me. God knows I have to work hard enough to respect myself... I don't need to have to struggle to get someone else to treat me well.

I deserve better. And there is someone out there who deserves me as much as I deserve them, or I can take care of myself. So no more negativity towards men.

Tonight was hard. I ended up having only coffee today, and some left over chinese food from last night... That wasn't too terrible bc it was mostly vegetables, even though I was sad I devoured it. I also did some yoga. That made me happy :)

I went to a wedding shower tonight. We had cocktails... that was fine. My plan was to only drink, not eat, but I ended up caving to a bite size cherry tart. It was so good I wanted another. I said no.

By the end of the night I was sad, because while I don't want this level, steady, boring, predictable, live-in-one place, tied-to-one-person life, it was hard to be single in that room. What was worse was when they started talking about that show "The Virgin Diaries" on TLC. I'm so disgusted that society seems to think theres something wrong or weird or bad about being a virgin. That show shouldn't be in existence. It's embarrassing. It makes normal people like me look so ridiculous and awkward and stupid. And as a result I feel ridiculous and awkward and stupid. Yes... I'm 25 and I'm a virgin. There is nothing wrong with me. I don't like everything about myself  but I am not so ugly or fat that no one would want to sleep with me... Its more that no one wants to be in a relationship with me. That's another story. And its not just that I am a technical virgin. I haven't been touched below the neck. Believe me... while I want to feel like there is nothing wrong with me, I DO feel like a freak. But I didn't have sex or really do much of anything when I was young because of religious reasons. And now that I have waited so long it just seems so wrong to lose it to just anyone. It SHOULD be special. Granted, I know the first time for most people does not constitute great sex... but that's not necessarily what I'm after. I want to know that the first person I'm with understands that its a big deal, and that I am valuable. I don't want to throw myself at men for self-worth, only to be left with less than when I began. I want them to value me as much as I *try* to value me. Otherwise no deal.

Did I mention tonight was hard? It was. I think I'm done with my little diatribe. I'm gonna go drink wine, wrap presents, and NOT EAT.

I'm back.

And I've gained. I can't even step on the scale right now because I am afraid to know.

In the time I've been gone I have become older, wiser, more comfortable with myself in a lot of ways. But I've gained a considerable amount. And I have to do something about that. My plan is to try and deal with my weight without going crazy and hating myself. For the time being, my plan is protein shakes, coffee, and gum. I can do that... There is nothing wrong with that if I take vitamins and get a somewhat reasonable caloric intake... right? If I start to feel crazy, I will meditate (something I've picked up this past few months...).

The holidays are upon us. Nothing I can do about that. But I CAN stick only to careful things when I am not in eating situations...