Tonight was hard. I ended up having only coffee today, and some left over chinese food from last night... That wasn't too terrible bc it was mostly vegetables, even though I was sad I devoured it. I also did some yoga. That made me happy :)
I went to a wedding shower tonight. We had cocktails... that was fine. My plan was to only drink, not eat, but I ended up caving to a bite size cherry tart. It was so good I wanted another. I said no.
By the end of the night I was sad, because while I don't want this level, steady, boring, predictable, live-in-one place, tied-to-one-person life, it was hard to be single in that room. What was worse was when they started talking about that show "The Virgin Diaries" on TLC. I'm so disgusted that society seems to think theres something wrong or weird or bad about being a virgin. That show shouldn't be in existence. It's embarrassing. It makes normal people like me look so ridiculous and awkward and stupid. And as a result I feel ridiculous and awkward and stupid. Yes... I'm 25 and I'm a virgin. There is nothing wrong with me. I don't like everything about myself but I am not so ugly or fat that no one would want to sleep with me... Its more that no one wants to be in a relationship with me. That's another story. And its not just that I am a technical virgin. I haven't been touched below the neck. Believe me... while I want to feel like there is nothing wrong with me, I DO feel like a freak. But I didn't have sex or really do much of anything when I was young because of religious reasons. And now that I have waited so long it just seems so wrong to lose it to just anyone. It SHOULD be special. Granted, I know the first time for most people does not constitute great sex... but that's not necessarily what I'm after. I want to know that the first person I'm with understands that its a big deal, and that I am valuable. I don't want to throw myself at men for self-worth, only to be left with less than when I began. I want them to value me as much as I *try* to value me. Otherwise no deal.
Did I mention tonight was hard? It was. I think I'm done with my little diatribe. I'm gonna go drink wine, wrap presents, and NOT EAT.