After the last post, I just have one observation to make.

J. made a comment about how I had been coy in my flirtation, and maybe I should be more straightforward. HA.

UGH.

I can't stand it when men say they want women to be straightforward and honest about how they feel, but when the woman actually does, THEY CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE IT. Its too much for them.

I don't think, although I don't know for sure, that J. will not be calling me for another date. It went fine. I was myself, always the goal. My ex, his BFF came up... some awkwardness tied into that. But its fine. I think maybe he's just too backward to actually go through with it.

Or maybe its because he's working on his PhD comps this week.

Or maybe the ex told him some shit about me. Whatever.

Or maybe he's just not that into me.

Whatever the case, I want you to know, and I want him to know, and I want to remind me even though I already know, that I am awesome. I have issues and some fuckedupness, just like anyone, but I will be good for someone. Sometime. Maybe not him. And maybe just not right now. But that's ok. I am ok with that.

I like the way I look. Mostly. And even when I don't I'm learning to.

I like who I am. That's not hard. Who I am is a sweet and genuine person, I just stick my foot in my mouth sometimes. But I have a great heart.

I have a lot of amazing shit going on. So excited to sing. I am a little worried about school work for the semester. But a whole lot of amazing shit is happening otherwise.

The other boy, R., is taking me to a really nice restaurant for our 2nd date. I am really kind of surprised... I feel like he might kinda like me :)

and if he doesn't... OH WELL. I like me :)

My weight is still kinda fluctuating, but its dipping a teensy bit lower... Hopefully I can keep that up. I pray to God I can keep that up.

SO TIRED. More to do that I possibly can. Not gonna have a long post, but here are the highlights.

Two dates this week! One with a guy I've known awhile, my ex's best friend. I've been broken up with the ex and even though it wasn't amicable per se, I haven't even seen him in a year. If he doesn't like it he can suck it. I think I could be really interested in ex's best friend...we'll call him J. He seems genuinely interested in me. Very smart. Physicist. Loves classical music, but doesn't know as much about it as me, so I challenge him even though he's brilliant. I think we are well-matched. Other guy, R., is someone I met online :/ I don't love the online dating thing but my friend talked me into it... I don't try very hard but I'll talk to guys if they talk to me first. Went on one date and he asked for a 2nd, seemed to like me. I'm more excited about J. because we have a little history now, but its fun to have two!

Singing competition went AMAZINGLY WELL. I kicked ass, and got an honorable mention. So many singing gigs coming up. So excited.

Weight fluxuating a little. I lost a few lbs that I had gained and now I am holding steady. Trying to just eat when my body wants and to savor it, so that I feel sated and not deprived.

More another day. SO TIRED.

It's been hard today. A struggle at different moments. Had a great singing day and feel awesome about my competition. I feel awful about how I look. This new discovery of filming what I look like is interesting. A dose of reality for sure. Is it possible to love yourself just as you are and improve yourself at the same time?? I want to lose weight. I NEED to lose weight. It's the truth. I can do hard things. And I can do them for the right reasons. I am an amazing person. And if I didn't change a thing it'd be ok, but since I'm here, I can do good things for my body. I'm gonna try hard.

I've been on the edge of sick with a sinus infection for a few days. Quite irritating.

Yesterday I had a vocal coaching in preparation for a competition I'm in this weekend. I'm ready, but I totally feel not so ready. The coaching didn't go very well.

The truth is, I can do this... I'm a GREAT singer and I can do this. I could win this thing if all of my confidence, love of singing (just enjoying the stage while I'm on it), good singing days (no post nasal drainage or acid reflux problems), and mental capacities aligned with themselves.

I'm a GREAT singer. I'm telling you this so that I can also tell me this, but its true. I just really want to go on stage and enjoy myself, no matter what happens. I don't expect to win, and I don't want to expect to win. I just want to really love what I'm doing.

I am trying, scrambling to finish an independent study this semester and I was watching a video of myself teach.

I am fat.

Like really fat.

I am trying to work on that.

It hurts that its one of the main reasons my father doesn't accept me, although God knows there are plenty of other reasons.

I read this book this week, and probably will re-read, called Heaven is Here. Its the story of this woman named Stephanie Nielson who was in a plane crash with her husband, and 80% of her body was burned. She is disfigured, particularly on her face, for life. First, its incredible that she has a husband who not only stayed with her, but was completely wonderful through the whole ordeal. Second, at the end of the book (which made me bawl like every chapter) she talks about how beauty is only skin deep and there are so many things in life and in this world to be grateful for.

It sounds so cliche, but her message touched me to my core. I can admit that even though I am fat, I am still beautiful. Some people think that thin=beautiful and that's it.

I don't want to buy that anymore. I DO want to be at a weight that is happy for me. But I genuinely, with all my heart, everything that is in me and beyond me, want to just rest in who I am.

I didn't like what I saw in that teaching video. If I was just looking at my appearance.

BUT. Videos make you look worse than you are in pictures anyways... I was not wearing the best jacket for the situation. And I'm a GREAT teacher. I really am. The fact that I am where I am after two years of teaching only is amazing.

I have an awesome heart. I am a talented individual. I AM beautiful in more ways than one. And I am fat, but I am working on that and will probably continue til I am satisfied or until I die.

In the meantime... I have so so so much to offer the world. My heart is overflowing with it. I WOULD like to win that competition on Saturday. But more than that, I want to move people with my song. And the song of my life as well.

Almost as if an answer to prayer I lost 2 lbs, not gained, and I had no desire to eat. I drank way too much though. Listening to my body is going good though.

I still want to be loved unconditionally.

I still am horny as hell and would like to be in a situation with a person I can trust infinitely so I can remedy that....

My friend Elise is with a man who started having sex with her, and realized the value of waiting, so they stopped. They lived together and somehow they are managing to not have sex while they wait for the wedding for about 6 more weeks. This waiting has been going on for months now. You can believe that its hard to believe, but I hang out with them all the time and I believe them. Wonderful amazing beautiful people who love me for me. Loving me for me doesn't happen that often these days, or at least it feels so... To have friends that love me for me when my own family can't is a big deal.

I am singing in their wedding. I am ecstatic.

Can I be with a man who loves me for me, wants to wait to have sex (all of it, not just intercourse) and won't leave me once he marries me? I promise to be a kinky bitch once I'm married... believe me I am in my heart. I just NEED to know that he will stay with me.

Am I crazy? Can this be found? Can I have a hot hipstery husband with facial hair even though I am not perfect and won't put out until after we're married?

And even more, do you think maybe I could have a husband who love Jesus and helps me do the same?? I am having a hard time doing so, even though I want to desperately.

Can I have all those things even though I'm standing here waiting for them? Waiting is grievous to me, but wait I do. I can't do intimacy or vulnerability with ANYONE until I am sure. In the meantime my single loneliness is teaching me some beautiful things....

Dudes. I'm about to start starving myself again. Tempted. Really. I'd throw up to my hearts content (pun intended or not intended, I'm not really sure) but I can never go back to that if I am to keep singing and making progress.

Part of me really wants to just accept myself as I am. And part of me believes that I am just going to keep gaining which is the antithesis to accepting myself as I am in the long run. Its just going to make it worse.

I keep wondering to myself, if I never gained or lost another pound, if I could stay this exact size forever and ever, could I be ok with that? I think the answer is yes. If I gained another 5 lbs, I think the answer would still be yes. If I gained 20 lbs? I think I would like the answer to be yes, but I don't think it could be.

I am really trying to do the deep and genuine work of accepting. I really, really, really am. I don't know how to do this. At all.

What I can say is that I genuinely love my life more than I ever have before, at any point in my entire life. I have only to look around me and I find excuses to be grateful, and to allow joy to bubble up inside me. There are times when I don't believe in God anymore, but then this joy bubbles up inside me, but its not coming from inside. Its like its being thrown at me from some external source.... Its kinda weird. But no matter how much I want not to believe in God anymore, I really do want to believe. I can't explain it. And even though there are things I would like to be different, and even though I have so much more to accomplish in my life, I don't want to lose or ignore what I have and what is beautiful in this moment, this milisecond of my life.

I used to pray that God would make me not be fat anymore. That didn't really work. Maybe God doesn't ever work the way we think, if he even exists in the way we think at all... I know that something in this universe is real, and that love has something to do with it. And I want to know what that's about. And I also know that there's something in me that just won't let me walk away from Jesus, no matter how much I desperately want to. I wish I had more answers.

So I was thinking. God didn't answer my prayers, ever, about being fat. I'm still fat. I really am. You can be nice and try to tell me I'm not, but I am. But can I accept myself the way I am? Fat and all? I'm getting there. It takes work, but its a work I am willing to struggle and trudge and claw my way through. So maybe loving myself for who I am is a much better gift than making me thin? I think so. Accepting myself the way I am? I can so do that. I'm right on the edge of it, about to fall back, but I think I could stay here. But accept myself at a fatter weight? No, its too painful.

I feel like I can't regulate, can't trust myself to stay here (even though the obvious answer is that I really don't WANT to stay here, even though I could. I still WANT to be thinner, but I realize the value of everything I am right now and that I am not defined by my size). The problem is always for me, has always been, that I can do destructive, miserable things and lower my weight, or I can eat "normally" and just keep gaining forever.

I don't really know what to do. I don't really know how to be, who to be. I really want to be an opera singer and a teacher and love God, and either be ok with exactly how I am or keep getting thinner.

And I really want to be loved by a man and have beautiful children that I can love unconditionally.

I can be who I am now, I think... I'm trying so so so so hard. But I can't get fatter and keep this optimism up. And I can't starve or purge or do anything and keep this optimism up.

And on top of that, I am trying to listen to my body, only eat when I'm genuinely hungry, eat only good things, etc. What if its not enough?

I gained weight :( AGAIN. More weight. It's one thing to accept yourself the way you are. It's another to let yourself go. I've done a good job of learning to accept myself. Project eat healthy and make good choices and keep up with my running: GO!

Some of my drama is slightly subsided, and some it has relaxed only because I have done what I need to do to be kind to people that are not always kind to me. One of my friends wrote me an email stating her greivances against me. It kind of blindsided me. It hurt. But I wrote her back and just said that I didn't realize I was offending her (I thought in the particular action that I was being kind) and that I would never offend her on purpose, that I was sorry and would she forgive me. Ironically she wrote me back and said it was all good. Ironic, considering I was stressing.

Reminds me of that Proverb, "A gentle word turns away wrath." I don't know exactly where it is, but I try really hard to practice that. You can argue with people... and sometimes you SHOULD pick your battles, but most of the time its best to just be gentle and apologize. I've learned that in teaching--when I offend parents, I should always have a listening ear and a gentle response. It doesn't mean I have to ever give people the satisfaction of being right, it just means I have to care about their feelings in the situation.

Today I spent part of the day with a friend that loves me for me, and I also bought birthday presents for my parents (yeah, the ones that aren't talking to me/don't treat me well/hurt me a lot), my roommate whose nerves I've been getting on, and etc. I am trying really hard to be a loving person and friend...

Actually, here's the thing. By nature I AM a loving person and friend, but I am not always gentle or soft spoken. I say what I think. That pisses people off sometimes. I want to be who I am with ease, all the time. I don't want to piss people off. There's a problem that lies somewhere between those two :(

I'll be fine. Maneuvering life is complicated sometimes. It just so happens that a lot of relational shit hit me at once the past few weeks, all while I'm trying to maneuver being completely happy with myself (a very hard and dirty job!) and being okay with being single and fine with it while I'm desperately lonely. I'm gonna be fine. I am a loving person who gets dealt a shit hand sometimes, just like we all do.

Can you tell I'm a little tipsy while I'm writing this?!? Trying to enjoy spring break-ness for the little that I have left...

My thought a little while ago was to eat good, since I won't be eating for awhile, but that is an old, old habit I don't want anymore. Its that "i'll start tomorrow" attitude I've had for a while. I remember in high school eating to the point of throwing up intentionally so that I would be sated and wouldn't have to eat the next day, while effectively throwing up what I was eating at that time.

I don't want to be that person again, ever. I don't mind being pudgy. I would like to be less pudgy than I am. Twenty pounds ago I really liked who I was. I am trying to like who I am now, but I know I need to be very mindful of my eating from a very healthy perspective.

I have been avoiding gluten for a while... I don't really get sick from it, but it keeps inflammation down to avoid it. Today I had the thought that really, if I'm truly doing it for health reasons (I'm doing it for singing reasons too) I should avoid carbs altogether. I can do that now. I'm not so crazy desperate now. I DO want to do things that help me appreciate myself. I am a little afeared of this month coming up... but I CAN DO THIS! And I belive, in this journey that I am in, that as I learn to eat healthy out of self-love, and as I learn to listen to my body, that I will lose weight naturally. Not quickly, but eventually. I really do believe this.

I can love myself. My horny, horny self... And one day a lovely man will come along and love me the way I am... and take care of that horny part of me :) (I warned you... tipsy, and very honest even when I'm not!) I believe what I am saying. I hold to it, because I don't know what else to do!