Today I would guess I have consumed around 2000-2500 calories. A whole hell of a lot. I did however, burn 1000 cals through running and the elliptical (at two different times) and also lifted weights. I worked on my arms, my shoulders, and did crunches and side crunches. I guess if you take away the number of cals I burned, it sort of was only a normal eating day. I dunno.

I really have been working out for a minimum of 1.5 hours a day, sometimes more. I've been burning typically about 600 cals a day. But I've been eating more than I should too.

I feel like I'm seeing NO results. The thing is, I can't restrict right now. Its impossible while I'm still staying with my aunt and uncle. I have to eat dinner with them at night, and they would notice if I didn't.

I'm such a lard ass. It makes me so so so so sad. Seriously the only thing I can think of to do is go to the doctor and get my thyroid tested, because even when I starve, the scale stays the same. Obviously, I wouldn't tell the doctor about my eating habits. But there has to be something there! I am more persistent than most anybody I know!

There's this little voice inside my head that frequently tells me I deserve to be fat. I'm reaping the consequences of... I guess of being me. Like, if I was better, if I was good enough, I COULD be skinny. But because I'm such a loser, it doesn't matter how much I fight, I'll always be fat. I don't know what this means. I kind of believe the voice. But I'm not giving up. Even if I could never lose another pound, I would never want to gain the weight back that I've lost. That would be a fate worse than death. But staying at this weight is also a death sentence.

Maybe I "deserve" to be fat. But I'm rebelling. I can't quit. I WON'T.

In Colorado, family still in town, and I'm getting fatter every day.

So many things I want to be in my life, and all of them involve being beautiful and wanted. You can know how my heart bleeds for it. Everything else is worthless and pointless if I can throw beauty in the equation. Don't tell me its not true. Its more true than anything else in this whole world.

Every day I begin again. Tomorrow I begin again.

Sorry I suck at updates, and haven't been good at reading either. I miss you girls. I'm in Boulder looking at apartments with the parentals and we are going to eat. Please wish me luck. I'm afraid to eat like a pig. I can't wait til I'm in my own apartment and can starve on...

I'll catch up with you all soon. xoxoxo.

I've been eating and eating and eating. Kind of inevitable with the slew of goodbye dinners and hangout times and... long roadtrips with the parents. I'm a massive cow. And my parents will be in town for several days after this...

I'm trying to decide if I should just give in for my sanity or resist and try to avoid food as much as possible. I'm getting massive. I can see the difference in the mirror. I miss running. I feel hungry. I've only eaten snacks and carbs and fast food because that's all that's been available.

I want to starve into oblivion. I keep hoping optimistically that my new life living alone will allow for this, but I know I have to stay physically and mentally strong for grad school and teaching. Can I do this?

I'm afraid of fat. I'm SO fat. It makes me sad. I so desperately want to be beautiful.

Sorry I haven't been writing... I'm leaving for Colorado TODAY. Love you skinnies, and I'll write again soon when I can get done with moving and back on the weight loss. Good luck!

I saw pictures of myself from the 4th of July. Soooo much thinner than what I used to be. But still fat. Its true. Still a whopping 155 lbs. And I ate badly today. Blame it on my period. I plan to run tomorrow, and I look forward to it.

I should be more, I should be better. But I keep working for better, not satisfied with who I am at this moment. I think its ok... I just want to wow everyone.

Somehow I let the hope sneak in that that things will be good for me. I'm just gonna share of myself again for a minute, and I hope it doesn't make you uncomfortable.

There's so much pain in trying to believe that someone will actually love me and treasure me. I mean just think of it. Think about it. For someone to see you as a great treasure. Let those words melt in your mind, let their sweetness roll around on your tongue for a minute. I have such a hard time with men, I feel so inadequate, not ugly exactly, but not attractive or desirable in any way. I want to be delicate, pure, beautiful. I want to be needed, desired...

By contrast I am opinionated, independent, and I don't do anything that's not good for my own well being. Not in a selfish way, I just know the difference between self-sacrificing and sacrificing my life. And I'm not really that easy to live with, strong personality and all. My secret disdain and distrust for men, combined with these factors has led me to believe that I am incapable of loving, of marrying. As I type these words, I begin to believe it again, even now.

I want to be hard. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to let anyone in, not very far anyways. If I can continue to believe that I am incapable of this, I am okay. If I accept that being alone is just the way its supposed to be for me, its not as hard, you know? But I feel God nudging me to hope. Whispering vaguely and subtly in ways that make it fearful and irresistible to surrender to this hope. I want to know who I am, to choose my own path and hold fast, tightly, with no waver. I don't want anyone to have the power to hurt me. And yet I find myself succumbing, intoxicated, yet completely sobered by the promise of something so good and incontrollable. I have no control.

155.6. I ate my fiber bar this morning and the plan is to go liquid for the rest of the day. Frozen veggies if I must...

I've been reading Breaking Dawn. Soooo didn't run, read all night instead. But still lost a lb. Makes me happy.

I'm on my period too. UGH. It happens.

I've become a Twi-Hard. Recently and quickly. The newest movie was frigging amazing!

I feel like I'm in junior high. Haha.

This morning so far:

Fiber one bar- 120 cals
coffee- probably about 100 cals worth.

Its almost 1 o' clock. Going to a couple different events that involve food. I'm a little worried. The scale says 156ish right now, but I'm dying to see 154 and 153 and 152. I'd love to be in the 140's two weeks from now when I go to Colorado. My Dad may be coming to help me move and I have major anxiety about seeing him. He always criticizes my weight. Its something I'd rather just avoid with him. Can I please wear a bag over my head while he's here?

UGH.

Anyways, I'm so close to a new weight. I really think I can see 154 in a couple days, I just have to stay FOCUSED. I WANT TO BE THIN.

EDIT:

Smoothie, about 125 cals

coffee, 125 cals??

Plan for the night is to take some cut up cucumbers with me to my friend's house. And hopefully they will have veggie stuff. If I feel weak I might have some meat with NO bread. We'll see. I know it will look kind of weird if I don't eat... 

I did 7 miles tonight. I'm not gonna lie to you and act like I ran all of them, because I didn't. Probably about half or maybe 4 miles.

I have been doing a lot of running one and a half or two miles and then flaking out. I hate that so friggin much. I can't stand it. Part of it is a mental pressure thing. I am a creature of progress. I have to be accomplishing something or I just quit. So I took the pressure off and decided that I can walk as much as I need to as long as I do distance. That really helped me tonight.

One of my life goals, as I've mentioned, is to do a half marathon. Realistically, it will probably take me years and a lot of dedication to make it to where I can run 13 miles solid. One of my friends that did one recently told me that lots of people hit a wall at 10 miles anyways, and end up slowing down or walking a lot of the last 3 miles. I figure its highly unlikely that I will run a whole one anytime soon, but if I can walk and run, I think I could do one in my somewhat near future. Plus I'm moving to Colorado, the land of fruit and nuts and granola and vegan diets and healthy living. Haven't you ever heard of the Boulder Boulder?? Haha!

If you live in Colorado, and this is a misconception, forgive me! Just trust me that people are way more into healthy living there than in the south. TRUST ME.

Anyways, so my goal for my next long run/walk is 8 miles. Grrr, I'm a beast :) I can't wait til I move to Boulder where there's lots of hiking and trails, WOO!!!

I've eaten about 700 calories today and I plan to stop there. Hopefully. I am going on a run in a few mins, but I had some thoughts. I saw a post on facebook recently, where one person was saying to the other person how difficult it is to find a good man, and that's why she's not married at 34. This is what that person looks like:

I feel like a horrible person criticizing someone else, because I know how painful it can be for the world to label you just because of your weight, when there are so many other awesome things about you.

But its true. I could end the post right now and you, the reader, would understand my point.

I think I'm posting this more as a reminder and food for thought for myself, because I want to be thin. And I need to remember why, especially in my weak moments. The world judges you and reduces you to your weight. I am an awesome person with lots of potential; I am a hardworker; I am very very capable on so many levels. I don't want that to be ignored because I'm fat. I don't want to be passed over because I *look* like I have no work ethic. I don't need to make it any harder on myself than it already is.

I need to be 100 lbs.

This morning... or shall I say afternoon?? I slept and slept and slept. Guess I needed it...

Anyways, so today I had a couple spoonfuls of light cool whip, some coffee with cream, and half a vanilla muscle milk. No solids yet. I probably should. I have to poop.

I weight 160.4. Not as bad as I thought. It scared me so bad to be 163 last night. I have to know what I want and stick to it or my life is going to crash and burn.

NO PURGING, NO OVEREATING. And study study study if I want to pass these exams.

I just have to focus on what I want.

I want to be a good teacher.

I want to pass my preliminary exams for graduate school.

I want to find a great apartment.

I want to do well in grad school.

I want to be an opera singer.

I want to run a half marathon at some point in my life.

I WANT TO BE THIN.

Plan of action: Eat little and healthy, stop purging, work hard, study hard. If I can do those things, I know I can succeed. I just need to stay focused.

I am terrified by my own inability to stop eating. Really, really, really terrified.

These are the things I have in my fridge to eat as sort of safe foods:
broccoli, both fresh and frozen. Lots of it!
60 cal yogurt
lots of smoothie stuff
coffee stuff
I have some 100 cal popcorn that I accidentally left at friend's house
muscle milk
soup
A couple of 200 cal frozen dinners
light cool whip

That's basically it, I think. I don't plan to buy anymore food in the two weeks til I move.

Why can't I stop eating?

Don't I understand my life is over if I am fat?

I mentioned I purged last week... and the week before that. In my head I think that if I only purge once a week I'll be ok, but I think I can already tell that I am causing my vocal chords damage and that I MUST stop.

I'm scaring myself. I cant CONTROL. I need to CONTROL myself.

Terrified of being fat. Oh wait. I am. I have to fix that. I should be losing, not gaining.

Please help me.