I purged today.

I just can't stop eating. See food, insert into mouth. I try to have willpower but it has escaped me :(

I have been eating a lot of fiber, which slightly my saving grace... but I purged because I had already eaten dinner and was still a little hungry, so I ate a little at my friends' house, and I got so anxious that I had to come home and purge it. Then I went for a run, and flaked on that too. I hardly ever run less than 3 miles these days and I only ran 2.

It makes me feel less anxious that I purged it. I hate purging and I don't want to mess up my voice. Desperately don't. I can't make this a habit... but I think about doing it all the time!

My plan is to eat an antacid whenever I feel hungry. That will at least make the stomach acid subside... I would like to start a chicken and veggies diet and see if that helps me, because God knows I've been working my ass off and havent lost much. That's why I'm now in this predicament of lazyness and eating. Grrrrrr. God I hope I can be good tomorrow.

I wish I wish I wish I wish I could purge.

I am a bulimic at heart. So much. You don't even know.

And even just a little bit of purging screws up my voice. I have to sing a solo at church sunday. And somewhere inside me I still want to be an opera singer... even though I'm crazy for it. My brain can't seem to comprehend that I can't be fat if I'm going to do that.

I hate eating. I hate food. And yet I eat. I don't even eat a lot. But I gain.

I don't know what to do.

Kazehana, thanks for your comment... it was really helpful. Glad to know someone else relates to my feeling of wanting to eat to keep the metabolism going. Its so much easier just to not eat. Seriously so so so much easier :(

As far as that whole 'love your body and it will love you back' thing... I dunno. Please convince me that will work, because I want to believe you.

160 lbs. What the ..........? I hate myself. I'm trying so hard to resist the desire to pig out on everything. Nothing works. It doesn't matter how many miles I run or how much I starve, it seems I will be fat.

I feel like a worthless piece of garbage. It feels like I will always be fat. There are so many things going right in my life, but they matter so much less if I am not beautiful to go along with it all.

I'm massive.

The good thing is, psychologically I know when I feel out of control, all I have to do is starve to feel in control. When I think of it that way it feels easier to starve, but also like I am a stupid spoiled child. And also, I feel that if I am starving, I'm starving purely for the control, because my stupid fat ass isnt gonna actually lose weight from it. I feel so worthless.

I have been eating way more than I should, but I am running like crazy. Ran another 5 miles last night. Yesterday I ate too much but not enough for it not to be burned up by a 5 mile run. Seriously.

My period must be starting because I literally gained 5 lbs overnight. Ran tonight a little, but my body was so tired. Me and a friend ran about a mile and then walked 2. Kind of disappointing, but I think my muscles are tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. I'm trying not to freak about the fact that the scale says 160.8 at this moment. No freaking out. Just patience and hydration and little to no food tomorrow. Welll..... I might be in a situation where I have to eat dinner, but SALAD is what I will be sticking with. And hallelujah for carbonated beverages which fill one up. I know I can do this.

I HATE PLATEAUS!

Must sleep! I don't know why I do this... I just don't go to bed. I'm such a weirdo... I haven't been getting nearly enough sleep, which is certainly a cause of not losing as fast as I could!

Anyways, still hovering at 155, which is great. I would love to see 154 soon. Wanted to run tonight, but I got out of work soooo late. Monday me and a friend are running, and we're shooting for 4 miles, maybe 5 if we can.

Today I did the stupid thing and I ate. But my body cleared it out fast if you know what I mean, and obviously the scale didn't punish me. Hopefully it just boosted my metab and that was it. Hopefully.

I need to drink a bunch of water tonight and freaking go to bed.

Hoping for 154!

Quick post...

I ate a salad with too many croutons and crackers. When I am hungry, all I want is carbs. Shit.

Went out with friend, friend was hungry and wanted Sonic, so I avoided it but really wanted coffee. Talked her into Starbucks and got a grande mocha light, which is way better than Sonic's sugary crap... but still not good. Had a tiny sample of a lemon loaf from there which led to me and friend splitting one.

I dunno.... 800 cals for the day? Its so disgusting to think about eating that many cals when I really had so little and stayed so hungry...

Went to Toy Story 3 with a couple friends, and it was awesome!!! I highly recommend.

Talked friends into running 3 miles with me. I think we actually did close to 3.5, but hard to tell.

Holding steady at 155 for now. I'll take it! Planning on another extreme 5 mile run in a couple days... hopefully it will cause me to lose 3 more lbs!!

Love you girls. Thanks for the comments, too.

155 as of tonight. Not bad eating today... I ate the couple pieces of toast I mentioned and then some green beans and a salad at work. Too many croutons... eh. But I have been sooooooo hungry. Still soooooo hungry. It feels good though. Wanna run tomorrow but I'm working a double and I'm afraid I'll be horribly tired... we'll see.

The lower weight does factor in with... once again... dehydration. I can't keep water in me with the summer heat I guess. My weight fluxuated so so soooo much. I want to be frigging tiny. It takes so long and so much difficulty. But the scale is cooperating a little more than before, ya know?

In other news, thinking about being a grown up is stressful. Sure, I'm gonna have a real job, but still not very much money (they are pb gonna offer me a comparable teacher salary, but the cost of living is SKY HIGH in the area where I will live).  I'm trying to find a cheap apartment, in the $500 range, because I don't plan on living with anyone for at least the first semester/ maybe first year. And of course I have some bills I have to catch up on in the middle of this big move! Oh plus, by the way, that whole tuition thing for my master's degree :/

Wish me luck girlies. Being a grown up=scary.

Finally! This morning I was 156.0. Thank the Lord. I'm really crossing my fingers that it will STAY!!!!!!! I can't gain this back! I accidentally ate a couple pieces of cinammon toast. By accidentally I mean I lost control :( I just didn't think it through... Tonight I have to work and I will probably eat a salad or something, maybe some steamed veggies, but I will keep it VERY light. Fat free dressing and I will avoid croutons!!!

Wish me luck girlies. I may run again tonight... maybe not. Depends on how my muscles feel and how tired I am. I have to work a double tomorrow.

Oh, by the way, I got a teaching job as a music teacher in Boulder, CO for next year. SOoooooooooooooooooo psyched!!!!!

If you can possibly believe it, I have run 8 miles in two days!! I ran 5 yesterday and 3 tonight.

I think I may have successfully lost 2-3 lbs, but I'm not sure. I keep getting almost dehydrated so its hard to tell when its real or just dehydration. I'm barely eating, although I did have a little binge today, in the neighborhood of 400 cals or so. But I ran right after, so maybe my body used it up...

So frustrating... UGH! Its so much harder to lose than it used to be. I'm floating around the 155-158 mark, but I'm hoping that I will stay 156 and keep losing. I did even see 154 once today, but like I said, my scale sucks and I have been kind of dehydrated :/ I have been stuck around 158 for soo soooo long. Hopefully some of the loss is real loss.

I'm really hoping I can keep this extreme running up! If I could keep running in the 5 mile neighborhood, that would be awesome!! Even if I could only do that much once a week, but do 2-3 miles most of the other days, I'd be ok. I mean, 5 miles??? I'm really getting to what most average people consider is pretty hardcore now :)

Today has been... crazy?

Let's start from the beginning. I was on a good road having seen 155 once on the scale yesterday. This morning I weighed in at 161, after having a banana last night before bed. Before that I had eaten more than I wanted, but it was really early in the day, so I though I'd be ok.

161????? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

So I ate at church, they have refreshments every Sunday... more than I wanted... but oh well. But then because I was frustrated, I went and got fast food. Uggggghhhhh. So then I went home and took some laxies, which I very seldom ever do (and these have only just begun to give me mild cramps...).

Just weighed. Back to 158.8, because I didn't eat anything at all after lunch, and ran my ass off waiting tables at work. Made a lot of money today and worked hard and didn't eat anything. I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be lighter. *Crossies*

I didn't run tonight because a) I got out of work really late and b) I have a phone interview for a teaching job in Denver tomorrow morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Super excited about this. However, I can only think about the fact that if I get an in person interview, I need to look skinny. I have to do well at this one before I even have a prayer...

Okay girls, I'm trying to do better about keeping you updated and read and comment.

Just for the record, my scale is kind of unreliable, and it gives me anything within a two lb. range. So I keep the high and low number in my head for a reference.

Today I weighed between 158 and 155.6. That's the first time I've seen 155, so I guess its sort of progress. Mostly I got 157.2 pretty consistently. I hope that's not too confusing.

My weight is creeping down, and going to bed hungry is always a good sign for me. Which I am right now. I want to eat eat eat right now though. I have seriously thought about going out and getting food. I'm craving meat. I think because I haven't had it in a few days. I've been trying to stick to only salads, yogurt and fruit. I did have a couple tiny bites of my friend's roast beef today...

I have been eating more than I want to though :( Its a hard balance. If I stay away from food completely, I can usually go a couple days without eating successfully. But my metabolism halts really fast from that. I usually try to eat in the morning to get my metab. going, but then sometimes I have stomach problems and have to eat a little something (I have a problem where the lining of my stomach gets inflamed). I try to eat salad with some croutons to soak up the stomach acid-- its what causes the inflammation-- but sometimes I go a little overboard. More than I want anyways. And always... it seems like eating breeds more desire for eating.

I would rather starve starve starve, but my body will refuse to lose and just halt on me. I know that sounds impossible to some of you, but its true. I lose best when I eat in the morning and suffer through the hunger all day, but that is really difficult (partly because of the inflammation issue). I guess its good that I'm eating lightly, at least, instead of being a pig. I just want to see freaking lower numbers, you know?? Its taking so freaking long.

I want to lose. Why does it have to be this stupidly complicated mathematical equation for me?!?! It should just be starve+exercise=lose weight, but its so much more complicated for me to actually see results. At least slow loss is better than gaining... Ugh.

As far as the running, I think I'll be able to tomorrow again. Yesterday I took a walk with my friend, but no running, and today I spent time with her. She's moving to Chicago on Tuesday and I won't see her again, maybe for years, so if it means losing a couple days of running, maybe that's just what I have to do. I'm trying to keep a balance, but she is a really close friend. I have to work all day tomorrow though, so after work I can run run run! I'm really proud that I have been getting my distances longer :)

Thank you girls for your sweetness and support. I like having you here. I know we can do this, no matter how long it takes!

Last night I ran a little over three miles, and felt really proud of myself for it. Really really. My weight is still holding steady, mostly because I have yo yo'd, but I did see 156.6 on the scale for a bit yesterday. I really want to keep going. I want to really lose. I know I can. I'm eating more than I would like, but it feels great to be running as much as I have been. I hope to run again tonight.

I still feel like a fat ass, but part of me sort of doesnt, again, mostly because of the running. I don't know. I wish it were a little easier to lose. I don't know what else to say. I wish you well my lovelies. I hope you are losing more quickly than I.

Ended up going home for three days, so Tuesday sucked too. However, today was the best I've done in a few days. I think I probably did 700 ish? No major cardio because I wanted to run but it rained, but then when it stopped I took a long walk with a friend. Not the most effective, but at least I wasn't on my butt.

I've been feeling pretty unmotivated, but I'm gonna try to curb that by the following tomorrow:

1) Call back school system about job interview
2) Clean bedroom
3) Clean car
4) Deal with library late fees
5) teach voice lesson

I'm gonna get it done. And then I have to work in the pm, and then running! Woot! And tomorrow my eating will be even better than it was today. I want to be skinny! I CAN do this!

I wanna wake-up, I wanna restart...

I don't know what happened to me. Everything has come to a screeching halt. I haven't really gained. I yo-yo between the same couple lbs, depending on what I ate. I think after monday I will restart hardcore. I just grow tired of starving starving starving and not seeing any results. I needed a break. I hate the way I look in the mirror, and that will continue until I can lose a million more lbs. I get a "wow you've lost so much weight!" comment at least twice a week, but I haven't lost enough. I'm still fat. I want to be beautiful. And desireable. I know I can never be an opera singer if I am fat. At least not the characters I am likely to be cast in (based on my voice). I know I can do this. I just have to find the strength in me to get the momentum going again. My practicing has been sucky lately too :(. At least I stopped the purging before it got out of hand though! I know I can do this. After monday! I am spending tomorrow and monday with my brother in Nashville, so after that, all will be well. I'm so ready to see the scale cooperate :)

Who's with me?