Weight Loss to Date

Friday, June 25, 2010

I wish I wish I wish I wish I could purge.

I am a bulimic at heart. So much. You don't even know.

And even just a little bit of purging screws up my voice. I have to sing a solo at church sunday. And somewhere inside me I still want to be an opera singer... even though I'm crazy for it. My brain can't seem to comprehend that I can't be fat if I'm going to do that.

I hate eating. I hate food. And yet I eat. I don't even eat a lot. But I gain.

I don't know what to do.

Kazehana, thanks for your comment... it was really helpful. Glad to know someone else relates to my feeling of wanting to eat to keep the metabolism going. Its so much easier just to not eat. Seriously so so so much easier :(

As far as that whole 'love your body and it will love you back' thing... I dunno. Please convince me that will work, because I want to believe you.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know if this will convince you, but I will tell you that the fattest I've ever been in my life (200 or more on 5'4 frame by the age of 15) was during a time where I hated myself more than anything in the world. I was suicidal and angry and couldn't see anything that was worthwhile about me. I thought everyone who wanted to befriend me was a fucking idiot...didn't they know I was trash, and that trash is contagious?

    I couldn't see a future or light at the end of the tunnel and I starved, starved, starved and gained, gained, gained.

    In contrast, the thinnest I've ever been is when I decided that life was worth living (after a drug OD that almost took me under), just not the way I'd been living it. I decided to quit drinking, get myself off of all the drugs I was taking daily to get through my days (I was 23 and had been an alcoholic for nearly 7 years). I started doing yoga twice a day, every day...and part of doing yoga is recognizing your own limits, your own strengths, capabilities, rhythms and inner cadence. I wasn't trying to lose weight, I was trying to save myself, my sanity. I just got thin in the process.

    Unfortunately, life is a serpentine journey and we often go through hairpin turns that cause us to doubleback through territory we thought we'd already covered. We just have to have the presence of mind to keep moving ahead anyway. :)