I'm not doing so good. And I'm soooo tired. Lets hope for a better tomorrow. I can do it!

Haven't wanted to throw up in a long time... I do right now. I'm not going to.

The past few days have not been good. Better tomorrow.

So. Today went not so good. 1700 calories. Oops. Damned almonds. If it weren't for those, I probably would be right at or under. Yesterday I was like 40 cals over. The day before that I was like 500 cals under, because I went to bed way way early.

This morning I was three lbs down. We'll see what happens when I get home, if I can love myself and be nice to myself while I"m here, maybe I'll have a pleasant result at home... I"m in Colorado Springs for a work conference, and I can never rely on the scale here. If I am being realistic, which I am trying to be... even maintenance would be good news between now and Saturday, I guess. I'm being nice to myself. I'm being nice to myself. I'm eating healthy and not eating emotionally because I like myself I'm being nice to myself.

Kazehana-- Me and my friend aren't really competitive, but she does push me to be better. We went to college together and I hated her then because she was so much better than me. I think the bottom line is that she isn't really more talented, she's just had some easier breaks in life than I have, like parents paying for college, etc. I had a hard life in college, so I didn't make as much vocal progress as I could have. Even now its hard because I work full time as a teacher and its hard to stay vocally healthy and still practice at the end of a day. And as much as I'd like to fly the coop and just risk everything to audition for stuff all over the country like she is, I am in much, much more debt than she is. And opera singing is soooo competitive. We'll see what happens with me, but the reality that I've accepted is that its unlikely I'll ever sing full time like I'd want. Maybe I haven't accepted that yet, actually. My therapist this summer left me with some parting words to get into my vocabulary "I accept, and..." So I accept that it will be very difficult and unlikely that I'm ever a full time opera singer... AND I know that I will always work hard to take the opportunities I can get, to continue to work on my voice diligently, to take every audition and competition opportunity that is reasonably (or maybe even unreasonably on rare occasion) possible, AND I plan to do some mainstage work as a lead at several different companies, be they local or otherwise... this is not negotiable, I"m GOING to do this, AND I plan to develop significantly as a pedagogue, and to eventually be a college professor in voice, while continuing to perform!

Thanks for listening to my mission statement for myself :)

Kazehana, why don't we just meet for coffee or something? I'm not gonna be at a weight where I'm okay with it between now and maybe ever, and you might judge me, but if I am being nice to myself, maybe I won't judge myself. K?

I've been doing good on my eating the past couple days. I lost two lbs, but I won't tell you from what weight because I'm embarassed. And Kazehana, I've been staying within 1200 cals, even!

Good job me.

And I've even had some moments where I wanted to mess things up out of anxiety, but I didn't. Not because I want to be skinny, but because I am denying myself the crutch of attaching food and emotions. If I feel inadequate that won't go away by eating. And if I'm gonna eat (I had a mini binge on some dark chocolate almonds but I still stayed within calories... lots of antioxidants and good fats, right?) then I need to savor it and make it a mindfulness exercise. I was able to stop myself mid mouthful and do that today. Go me.

A song and composer that I'm obsessed with.

http://youtu.be/--shQOCuskQ



Today wasn't awful, but it wasn't great either. Just eh. I feel really fat. But Kazehana is right... I'm gonna try to be healthy about this...

I have to give up coffee for a while :( Giving me so many vocal problems.

I'm so sleepy... goodnight.

I realized I should have a plan for tomorrow:

Weigh first thing... even if I don't like the result

Almonds and coffee. No coffee the rest of the day after that.

Lots of water!

Salad for dinner.

Listening to my body and eating only when I am hungry, but only eating things that will have nutritional value to me.

No carbs.

Oh, and committing to writing everyday. And counting calories. That will help.

Things are not going so well. I feel I'm getting fatter and fatter.

Part of the reason is that I've had an awful week for vocal health, so I have been drinking a lot of pineapple and apple juice, which is good for your voice. But horribly sugary.

Also, I've had a friend in town so I've just been eating with her, feeling like I have a little less control over my food. Even though that's just an excuse.

She leaves Sunday. When she goes, I need to be hardcore about being low carb. And running again. And I'm thinking about alcohol on weekends only, and coffee only first thing.

Things are getting bad :(

And my voice has been shit :(

K-- So happy you love my blog and still read. Makes me happy. No idea how to change the view though :(

Kazehana--"Z" has nothing to do with my real name...hah. Not even close. Ask me again in two weeks. Also, go to this link in order to get 10 bucks off your tickets. http://www.operacolorado.org/curious/
You should get them soon because apparently the price has already been going up. A lot of people like this opera, it could even be sold out eventually.

As for my name, and/or meeting up, maybe. Probably. I'm leaning towards the probably. Ask me again in a couple weeks, and I'll probably say yes to coffee.


Today I tried super hard to be nice to myself and my body. I think that for today I did ok. And I ate decently (although pretty bad yesterday) and I feel good even though I'm exhausted.

I read this article in elephant journal about "trusting your body's infinite wisdom." I'm also reading this book Women Food and God. Kind of about the same thing... dealing with your emotional problems and worldviews instead of turning to food. And listening to your body. I realize that I can't just eat whatever the hell I want, but I can eat good things and treat myself nicely. So little by little I am trying to treat myself nicely.


One day at a a time.



You may not hear from me much this week... got a friend coming into town to audition for CU and CSU. Hope she gets in!

Today was my first opera rehearsal. Went really well. Despite the fact that I had a crappy voice lesson yesterday. Guess I just had an off day.

I'm officially back on a low carb diet. I tried it over the summer and lost like 10 lbs pretty fast. I stopped because it got really hard to do, but mostly because I was diagnosed with acid reflux, and I was already so restrictive with my diet that I couldn't handle it anymore. While I figured out what things were triggering my acid reflux I needed to cut more things out, and I couldn't do it. I had already been so super strict with my diet that I couldn't bear it. Now I am doing a little better with it, so I think I can handle the juggling of it all.

The reality of my life right now is that I have to allow myself to eat or I'm gonna go crazy. But I have to lose. I HAVE TO. I've suspected for sometime now that I'm insulin resistant (those problems run in my family, ugggghhh) because even when I'm restricting hardcore I don't lose, or the loss is pretty insignificant, if I'm eating carbs.

And the other thing, that cutting alcohol completely out of my life is really hard. I really only drink when I go out or am with friends, so just a few drinks a week... but I enjoy drinking when I do. So just being choosy about it is good. I went a stint this summer without coffee as well, and that was good, but it only lasted about 3 weeks... My life in its current state, there is no way I can go without it. (But I probably should cut down...)

Today I ate like 6 hard boiled eggs (throughout the day)... I made egg salad with them. That was pretty good and yummy. I had a good amount of coffee. I had some chicken later this evening. I had a glass of wine and a coors light while watching the game. And I don't hate myself for those things. I feel like I should be disgusted about the mayo in my eggs. But I'm not. The only thing that disgusts me is being fat. And the reality is that I am bulimic at heart, but being bulimic is not an option anymore. And I can't restrict the way I did when I was a teenager... I've got way too much at stake to be lethargic and not get things done. Lethargy is what happens when I don't eat or eat ridiculously low amounts. And I hate that scary shaky feeling I get after throwing up, too.

And I've got some legitimate health concerns that support going low carb. So we'll see how this goes (again).



In other news, it just amazes me how people in my life appreciate me for who I am, and genuinely support the idea that there really isn't anything wrong with me. Like even though I am chubby, some people like me that way and think I'm really cute, and sometimes guys even wanna date me. Despite what I don't like about myself including my looks. And I don't want this to be license to just be fat, because I don't think that at all. But if I could somehow find a way to be more self-accepting... sometimes I am in that place, a really good place, largely due to the therapy I did this summer.

The major question I ask myself in lieu of all that... why does my Dad still think I am a dreadful person? Why is nothing I do ever enough for him? How is it that I have accomplished many great things in my young life, I am a productive person, good at my profession... not perfect, and I have my weaknesses, but I certainly handle them like an adult. I have severed him from having any financial responsibility for me a looooong time ago. And yet, my Dad is still always harping on me about money and being fat. Two aspects of my life that have absolutely nothing to do with him. And lately he even hates my views on politics, God help me. The best I've been able to expect from him lately is no contact at all. He hasn't been talking to me. The latest is because I posted a thing on facebook supporting gay marriage (my dad is really, reeeeeaaaallly conservative despite not really being that religious).

Why does he still think I'm so dreadful? Why can't I ever do enough to please him? I know its because he isn't happy with himself. But the little girl inside me will always be asking why I can't earn his love.

I'm afraid to step on the scale. Two days in a row of almonda and coffee all day long, to be followed by a big dinner.

That was my plan right??

I suppose I would be happy if it was a controlled healthy dinner, but its the result of celebrations and bdays, and therefore shitty (but delish) food. And beer. Damn it, I love beer.

Well.... I'm in control of my days... right?

I hate how quickly almonds and coffee add up, even when you drink the skinny version of the latte and rely on 100 calorie packs.

Went to my costume fitting. Nothing says insecurity about your fat body quicker than literally having every imaginable measurement taken... times two. Literally take every measurement you could possibly think of and double it and that's how many places they measured. Ugh :(

I look dreadfully fat in my costumes, but I'm trying not to think about it.... They are costumes. I am onstage. It won't matter. I'm in the chorus anyways. There is so much fabric wrapped around me, anyone would not look great.

Who am I kidding? I'm huge. No really. I am. I am so short that the weight I carry is dreadful.

One day at a time....................


Kazehana... I'm in every show of Figaro except for the daytime Student Matinee. But all the mainstage regular shows, I'm in all of them. When it gets closer to time I'll think about whether we should meet face to face or whether I should keep my anonymity and let you figure it out, or some compromise between the two of those. Honestly, I'm a super outgoing person and would probably meet you if it weren't for my insecurities about my body. This might be the only forum I have where I can say whatever I need to say about it (I couldn't even talk about it with a therapist, still can't, even with ones I like and trust... Might also have something to do with the fact that my therapist is a man, and that's a whole nother issue tied in... But can't talk about it in therapy anyways) and you are a great support... and for all my losing and gaining and trying to take it one day at a time... I'm fat. Not by crazy standards, by normal people standards. So I'll think about it, but I just dunno if I can. Confronting that... letting myself be honest on here AND in person with someone about myself... Well that's letting you in to the deepest part of myself that I can't confront...

But I like you. So we'll see.

So do you wanna hear a kind of psychotic oxymoron?

Well, let me explain. So I did great today. Only almonds and coffee. One of my friends did a big favor for me today, so I took her out to dinner as a thank you. Dinner, margaritas and dessert. Yup.

Tomorrow is my fitting for my opera costume... I'm singing in the chorus with Opera Colorado. Yeah.

And guess what I thought about doing to my dinner. Yeah, you guessed it. Thought hard about throwing it up. Obviously didn't. But what I would give to find a way to be thinner before that fitting tomorrow!

So you do see the irony in wanting to purge (thus fucking up my voice) in order to be skinnier for an opera costume... Yeah.



One day at a time girls... and war with myself. Because me being fat is getting worse and I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. But I won't, can't, refuse to do it by purging.

I am a blimp. This is out of control. Must gain control. This "there is nothing wrong with me" shit is just that: pure shit. In the meantime I accept myself and continue getting fatter and fatter. This means war.

Today I went salsa dancing and legit burned 600+ calories. We'll say 600. And I walked 40 mins to school, so thats another 125.

For dinner I had about 500 cals--small chicken caesar salad and this chicken soup that was amazing from San Fransisco Soup Co. So good, one of my new go to places!

During the day I had a 100 cal pack of almonds, a bag of pretzels, a few chocolate covered cranberries, and a granola bar and some little odds and ends. Prolly 500-600 cals. Not really my best day, but considering I burned over 700 cals, I think I'll survive.

Same plan tomorrow. Eat very light during the day (coffee and almonds) and eat a good but healthy dinner.

Well, today I ate probably at least 1200. I ate 200 cals worth of almonds, some munchies in the teacher work room :(, drank some gatorade and coffee, and then I had about 450 worth of salad and soup for dinner. I ate way more than I intended.

However, I ran my ass off tonight, and I did yoga. I burned 428 cals just running alone! And then I burned around 120 cals doing yoga... Normally it'd be more but did some heavy pranayama (breathing exercises) today, so less movement. Anyways, if I had a higher than expected eating day, at least I can be happy that I burned half of it off. So I guess my net intake is around 600 for the day AND I am closer to gaining muscle. That I can be happy with :)

I realized today (and the reason I ate well at dinner) is that I'm restricting too much which is why I fail miserably. I've been a little food obsessed. I decided (and I know some of you will bitch that this isn't healthy, but we all try what we need to try) that if I can stick to around 300-400 cals including coffee during the day, I can eat a "hearty" salad at night, as long as I avoid carbs. That I can handle.

Anyways, I guess in the end I'm sort of pleased with today.

Oh my stars. I got wasted on NYE, without meaning to. It happens I guess. I had too much fun. NYE 2012, I'm staying home to knit and going to bed at 9.


Probably not, but geez. Glad to leave that shit in 2011 where it belongs!

I ate too much shit the past couple days because I had a house guess who is a BFF of mine. I'm gonna let it go and not freak out.

Plan tomorrow: almonds and coffee for breakfast. salad for lunch... I have to go back to work tomorrow and I agreed to have lunch with a friend. So salad. Almonds for dinner. 100 calorie packs of almonds are my savior.

For snacks... Dill pickles. They have zero calories, you know.

And coffee.

And yoga and running tomorrow night.

Here's to a self-disciplined third day of 2012.