So. Today went not so good. 1700 calories. Oops. Damned almonds. If it weren't for those, I probably would be right at or under. Yesterday I was like 40 cals over. The day before that I was like 500 cals under, because I went to bed way way early.

This morning I was three lbs down. We'll see what happens when I get home, if I can love myself and be nice to myself while I"m here, maybe I'll have a pleasant result at home... I"m in Colorado Springs for a work conference, and I can never rely on the scale here. If I am being realistic, which I am trying to be... even maintenance would be good news between now and Saturday, I guess. I'm being nice to myself. I'm being nice to myself. I'm eating healthy and not eating emotionally because I like myself I'm being nice to myself.

Kazehana-- Me and my friend aren't really competitive, but she does push me to be better. We went to college together and I hated her then because she was so much better than me. I think the bottom line is that she isn't really more talented, she's just had some easier breaks in life than I have, like parents paying for college, etc. I had a hard life in college, so I didn't make as much vocal progress as I could have. Even now its hard because I work full time as a teacher and its hard to stay vocally healthy and still practice at the end of a day. And as much as I'd like to fly the coop and just risk everything to audition for stuff all over the country like she is, I am in much, much more debt than she is. And opera singing is soooo competitive. We'll see what happens with me, but the reality that I've accepted is that its unlikely I'll ever sing full time like I'd want. Maybe I haven't accepted that yet, actually. My therapist this summer left me with some parting words to get into my vocabulary "I accept, and..." So I accept that it will be very difficult and unlikely that I'm ever a full time opera singer... AND I know that I will always work hard to take the opportunities I can get, to continue to work on my voice diligently, to take every audition and competition opportunity that is reasonably (or maybe even unreasonably on rare occasion) possible, AND I plan to do some mainstage work as a lead at several different companies, be they local or otherwise... this is not negotiable, I"m GOING to do this, AND I plan to develop significantly as a pedagogue, and to eventually be a college professor in voice, while continuing to perform!

Thanks for listening to my mission statement for myself :)

Kazehana, why don't we just meet for coffee or something? I'm not gonna be at a weight where I'm okay with it between now and maybe ever, and you might judge me, but if I am being nice to myself, maybe I won't judge myself. K?