Today was my first opera rehearsal. Went really well. Despite the fact that I had a crappy voice lesson yesterday. Guess I just had an off day.

I'm officially back on a low carb diet. I tried it over the summer and lost like 10 lbs pretty fast. I stopped because it got really hard to do, but mostly because I was diagnosed with acid reflux, and I was already so restrictive with my diet that I couldn't handle it anymore. While I figured out what things were triggering my acid reflux I needed to cut more things out, and I couldn't do it. I had already been so super strict with my diet that I couldn't bear it. Now I am doing a little better with it, so I think I can handle the juggling of it all.

The reality of my life right now is that I have to allow myself to eat or I'm gonna go crazy. But I have to lose. I HAVE TO. I've suspected for sometime now that I'm insulin resistant (those problems run in my family, ugggghhh) because even when I'm restricting hardcore I don't lose, or the loss is pretty insignificant, if I'm eating carbs.

And the other thing, that cutting alcohol completely out of my life is really hard. I really only drink when I go out or am with friends, so just a few drinks a week... but I enjoy drinking when I do. So just being choosy about it is good. I went a stint this summer without coffee as well, and that was good, but it only lasted about 3 weeks... My life in its current state, there is no way I can go without it. (But I probably should cut down...)

Today I ate like 6 hard boiled eggs (throughout the day)... I made egg salad with them. That was pretty good and yummy. I had a good amount of coffee. I had some chicken later this evening. I had a glass of wine and a coors light while watching the game. And I don't hate myself for those things. I feel like I should be disgusted about the mayo in my eggs. But I'm not. The only thing that disgusts me is being fat. And the reality is that I am bulimic at heart, but being bulimic is not an option anymore. And I can't restrict the way I did when I was a teenager... I've got way too much at stake to be lethargic and not get things done. Lethargy is what happens when I don't eat or eat ridiculously low amounts. And I hate that scary shaky feeling I get after throwing up, too.

And I've got some legitimate health concerns that support going low carb. So we'll see how this goes (again).



In other news, it just amazes me how people in my life appreciate me for who I am, and genuinely support the idea that there really isn't anything wrong with me. Like even though I am chubby, some people like me that way and think I'm really cute, and sometimes guys even wanna date me. Despite what I don't like about myself including my looks. And I don't want this to be license to just be fat, because I don't think that at all. But if I could somehow find a way to be more self-accepting... sometimes I am in that place, a really good place, largely due to the therapy I did this summer.

The major question I ask myself in lieu of all that... why does my Dad still think I am a dreadful person? Why is nothing I do ever enough for him? How is it that I have accomplished many great things in my young life, I am a productive person, good at my profession... not perfect, and I have my weaknesses, but I certainly handle them like an adult. I have severed him from having any financial responsibility for me a looooong time ago. And yet, my Dad is still always harping on me about money and being fat. Two aspects of my life that have absolutely nothing to do with him. And lately he even hates my views on politics, God help me. The best I've been able to expect from him lately is no contact at all. He hasn't been talking to me. The latest is because I posted a thing on facebook supporting gay marriage (my dad is really, reeeeeaaaallly conservative despite not really being that religious).

Why does he still think I'm so dreadful? Why can't I ever do enough to please him? I know its because he isn't happy with himself. But the little girl inside me will always be asking why I can't earn his love.