I'm afraid to step on the scale. Two days in a row of almonda and coffee all day long, to be followed by a big dinner.

That was my plan right??

I suppose I would be happy if it was a controlled healthy dinner, but its the result of celebrations and bdays, and therefore shitty (but delish) food. And beer. Damn it, I love beer.

Well.... I'm in control of my days... right?

I hate how quickly almonds and coffee add up, even when you drink the skinny version of the latte and rely on 100 calorie packs.

Went to my costume fitting. Nothing says insecurity about your fat body quicker than literally having every imaginable measurement taken... times two. Literally take every measurement you could possibly think of and double it and that's how many places they measured. Ugh :(

I look dreadfully fat in my costumes, but I'm trying not to think about it.... They are costumes. I am onstage. It won't matter. I'm in the chorus anyways. There is so much fabric wrapped around me, anyone would not look great.

Who am I kidding? I'm huge. No really. I am. I am so short that the weight I carry is dreadful.

One day at a time....................


Kazehana... I'm in every show of Figaro except for the daytime Student Matinee. But all the mainstage regular shows, I'm in all of them. When it gets closer to time I'll think about whether we should meet face to face or whether I should keep my anonymity and let you figure it out, or some compromise between the two of those. Honestly, I'm a super outgoing person and would probably meet you if it weren't for my insecurities about my body. This might be the only forum I have where I can say whatever I need to say about it (I couldn't even talk about it with a therapist, still can't, even with ones I like and trust... Might also have something to do with the fact that my therapist is a man, and that's a whole nother issue tied in... But can't talk about it in therapy anyways) and you are a great support... and for all my losing and gaining and trying to take it one day at a time... I'm fat. Not by crazy standards, by normal people standards. So I'll think about it, but I just dunno if I can. Confronting that... letting myself be honest on here AND in person with someone about myself... Well that's letting you in to the deepest part of myself that I can't confront...

But I like you. So we'll see.