Just not good enough. Just too fat. Being fat cancels out like everything else that's good about me. And if it weren't for that I think I would like myself a lot, most of the time. I feel so inadequate. So out of control. Never enough time. Always too much food. Never enough running. Never good enough. Never quite meeting the standard.

I get depressed when I think this way. But I just can't... I know I can be everything I wanna be... I just have to find it in myself. Doesn't help that I'm sleeping weird hours and on my period. I'm starting to get anxious about going back to work :(

I hate having a period. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I have eaten:

160 cals of soup

30 cals coffee?

100 cals of smoothie

And I walked about 30 mins to the grocery store...

This morning I find that my period has begun :(

Cue the lightbulb coming on about my facial breakout and bloating.

The good news is, last night I was 155.8. This morning I am 154.6. This is on my aunt and uncle's scale. I am not sure how well it lines up with mine. But... the other day I was 156.8 which is why I was freaking out... When I came I was inexlicably 153. Maybe before I leave tomorrow I get get back down to that.

I want to see 150 next week sometime. Absolutely no reason I can't do that if I'm a good little girl. And I run my ass off.

Mad Greens Salad--620 cals
Latte--100 cals?
Piece of bread for breakfast--100 cals (to be safe)
2 cookies--300?
Chocolate milk--380 cals

I'm pathetic. Really. I can't believe its possible that I could have consumed that many calories today. I'm pathetic. I'm disgusted with myself. Do I not get that I'm disgustingly huge? Rolls of fat hang off of me. People are disgusted with me. They would like me so sooo much better if I could control myself. Which clearly I can't. And I got home early enough to run on the treadmill. And I didn't do it. Catching up with friends on the phone is nice, but when you are this large, exercise is of utmost importance.Right after I was eating those cookies, I thought about purging them, but also kind of difficult when you are on the phone. Ugh.

In other news, the art museum was freaking the most awesome thing ever. My music degree served me well. It was like having a playlist in my head for every paiting--music and art line up in many ways in terms of time periods and styles. I love art. I plan to go to that museum again and spend hours there. I loved it.

I bought some sugar free redbulls today.

I'm tired of being fat. So tired of it. Thinness is not out of reach. I just need some discipline. I can do this. I can control this. Everything I want is in my reach if I want it badly enough.

Tomorrow. No eating. I may get roped into dinner. That's allowed if I run 4 miles tomorrow. I should be able to do that. No excuses. That would put me at 12 miles for the week. Which clearly hasn't made a dent in my fat rolls. I HAVE TO STOP EATING!!!

Okay, inside I am freaking out. I actually, technically overall have lost about 2-3 lbs since the beginning of the semester, but overall my running has also gone to shit. I am so much more flabby, and I'm sure that with Christmas (I'm too scared to get an accurate number right now) its bad.

The plan:

Avoid food at all costs.
Salad when I have to eat with people.
AVOID CARBS.
Make friends with sugar free redbull and starbucks via packets.
Chew gum.
Drink a shit ton more water.
Drink more zero cal gatorade and powerade.
When I order Starbucks, only get the skinny variety of the drink. period.
Run my ass off.
My goal is to make 15 miles a week a regular thing this semester, but I'm gonna start with 12 a week.
If I just have to eat (you know those times where you are going crazy because you need to eat something "good" or you will binge?) I will treat myself to a salad from whole foods.


What I just saw in the mirror should put fear in my heart for sure. Hopefully it will. I am going home to be in a wedding the last week of feb/first of March and I just HAVE to look good in those pics! My hair will be longer by then, which is good, but I have no excuse not to lose ten lbs. Perfectly doable. I have lost 15-20 in that time period before!

I hate myself. I'm embarrassed to even have to go out tomorrow :(

Denver art museum tomorrow. The plan is to drag my ass out of bed, look cute (and hope I don't look too fat), and stop by starbucks (yum). I'm just going with the art teacher from my school, her daughter who I haven't met but apparently is overweight, and a couple of the kids that I teach. Should be fun. Excited about learning about art...

Weighed today. It was grossly high. Granted, since that time I have had two large bowel movements (tmi, I know!) and I had just drank a ton of water after running on the treadmill. Hopefully the reality is not as bad as that dreadful number.

I wanted to run again before bed tonight, but I didn't want to have to wash my hair again. Whatever. Exercise is more important. I continue to eat normally. I drank so much alcohol the other day... 4 glasses of wine plus some other stuff. I don't really believe in New Years resolutions, but I am glad for a fresh start and the excuse to eat less and run more this semester. I am dreading going back to lesson planning. Love teaching, hate the lesson planning. I feel very much in a valley in my teaching right now, which I guess is normal for this point as a first year teacher. I'm just worn out and I don't wanna go back. Break is not long enough.

Sometimes I wonder if I am doomed to be fat forever? I am not disgusting, I really am a cute girl. I just have a hard time with my weight. And even though my ex dated me the way I was and supposedly thought I was beautiful, I still hear that voice in my head that says no one will ever want to be with me unless I'm thin. I'm going home to visit in late Feb for a week and I'm really hoping I can lose 10 lbs by then...

Drunkenness, well really just tipsyness. Hatred for myself. Haven't been able to stay on track in a couple weeks. Ran 4.5 miles on the treadmill last night, but obviously that's not the same as on real earth and pavement. Looking forward to taking the semester off classes so that I will only have to teach and run. And focus on singing and voice lessons. And volunteering at the nursing home by myself. Looking so forward to that. Relationships are EVERYTHING. Hopefully I will be able to make some old people happy. And maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll meet some dashing young man who is either the grandson of a resident, or works for the nursing home. Stupid I know...

Looking forward to having a long day working on the treadmill tomorrow. Aunt and uncle will be at work.

Is it crazy to think there is a purpose to my singleness? I know some of you won't get this but I think my ex needs me right now. I pray that he experiences the presence of God in a real way. I love Jesus and I just want him to know Jesus the way I do. I'm not perfect. I'm screwed up. I really, really am. But that's okay. I'm okay with that. Jesus is okay with that. You don't have to be fixed up to know him. You don't have to know everything. I love him... and I just want Seth to know him too. I worry about him terribly because he drinks way too much. I mean... I got pretty tipsy tonight, but he gets drunk every weekend. Like really really drunk. Last weekend he hit his head and I took care of him. I hope that helped him know that I love him...in this crazy way, because I really, really don't wanna be with him but I just care so deeply for him...

Sorry I'm spilling all this. Might do it sober, bc I'm ridiculous and an open book, but tipsiness doesn't help. Ugh. I ate waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy too much today and yesterday. Hopefully I will be close to on track tomorrow. I'll pb have to eat dinner but maybe I can avoid all other meals. No breakfast, no lunch. That'd be awesome.

Maybe skipping meals and purging is hypocritical to some of you when I call myself a follower of Jesus. Again, I have no answers for that... I'm not perfect. I don't think I have to be. I know that he loves me and has good things for me, even when I have no good for myself. I believe, against all hope, against my own belief, that he has some wonderful man that's gonna want me the way I am and gonna want to help me be healthy.

I really do believe that. Even though I hate myself.... Maybe some of you can relate...

My entire eating pattern is revolving around epic failure. Too much. Too much candy. Too many cookies. Too much pizza. Bad things springing up before me EVERYWHERE and at every opportunity.

Tonight me and the buds from church went to Chipotle. I ate too much... brought the leftovers home, ate them, and purged them. Hopefully I didn't hurt my vocal chords, because I would LOVE to practice tomorrow.

Running will hopefully happen. Eating better will happen. I have juice/smoothie stuff for a liquid fast, but I have a party to go to, so may not be able to do that 100%. Gotta get back on track. I am gonna try so hard to not rely on purging over the holidays... but welp... yeah.

Looking forward to an easier semester next semester so that I can run run RUN!

Not doing so well... Birthday/school Christmas present baked goods hell is proving to be difficult. Ugh. Trying to get back on track. Or at least not suck as bad as I have been.

To anonymous, I'm a good teacher. I love my students. I am professional at my job. Doesn't mean I don't have struggles or problems or secret thoughts, which I just happen to share on this anonymous blog. You could argue that such a person with such thoughts would take it out on students or it would reflect on my teaching. But you would be wrong--that's why people have outlets for their issues and problems. So don't pretend you don't have any. At least I am a real person. That's a lot better and a lot healthier than pretending to be perfect.

I'm having a nervous breakdown on the inside. So much crap I have eaten today. Damn Christmas treats. And just ate too much dinner for one sitting. Ugh. Too tired to purge. Literally. I have a final I HAVE to go finish. Too tired.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will not look hot. I will probably look like the cow I am. And I will probably eat... because its my birthday. There may be alcohol involved. But not too much because I have to work the next day. I will be exhausted on my birthday. But that's the way life goes. At least finals will be over.

I know this won't make sense to some of you. But I look in all the wrong places for my life. Really all I want is Jesus, and I know that, but so many other things distract me. And I can't help myself. I long to feel connected to people. I'm a nuisance of a friend sometimes. Too needy. Too clingy. Talk too much. Stress too much. Worry too much. Too open, too attached, too fast. (I really am a great friend if you can get past those things. Its a lot to deal with. I am too much. And not good enough. Wow.) I don't really know what to do with myself. People don't fix things. Being "connected" to people doesn't fix things. Being with men doesn't fix things. I know that it doesn't. If it did I would have given up my virginity long ago. Its hard to keep it. But glad I have it. Lonely, you know. Very lonely. I'm so lonely. And still Jesus is beckoning.

And even still I want to be thin. Even Jesus doesn't change that, doesn't fix that. There has to be a way to make sense of that. I just don't know how yet.

Happy birthday to me. I'm gonna take the quickest power nap ever and go finish that damn final... if I can get it finished...

Good solid 152 today. Last night I ate soup and it was good. And our professor made us take food home. I ended up binging on these little pastry things she made me take. I came home. I purged when I got home. Haven't eaten today, and I don't think I'll have to, maybe. I hope to see 151 before the day is over. And 150 by tomorrow would be great. (I will probably end up having to eat at some point tomorrow.) I would be so close to 148, which is my first goal. 150 to see my ex would kinda sorta make me feel more comfortable with myself. Not really, but kinda.

I don't really understand my body. I can do all the same things, and yet sometimes I have spurts of losing and sometimes no matter how I starve, nothing happens. I'm starting to realize that starving still works, it just works differently than how I perceived it to work when I was younger. And also... I don't know if this makes sense. But really I've lost 8 lbs since like a week and a half ago, if you start from the highest number I had on the scale. But I never count from that, I count from the lowest number I had reached to begin with-- I see that as my true weight after my bowels are clear and food has worked its way through. So like I have seen 160 last week, but because my true lowest weight was 155, I only saw it as a 3 lb loss. And when I think of it that way I freak out and wonder why it takes me so long to lose a measly lbs after so much work. I think when I was in high school I would just measure from whatever I currently saw and count from there. I didn't have all the rituals in place that I do now, about not weighing with liquids, not weighing at certain times of the day blah blah. When I look back, I was really good at this ED stuff when I was in high school, and I didn't even realize it. I just didn't eat for days at a time. Period. It was just simple.

Anyways, I'm glad to be back on track. In some sick way, I feel more myself than ever. At this moment, less insecure. My life has meaning. I'm accomplishing something. I'm deranged.

Really I know my life has more meaning than this. Its just a season, like it usually is for me. Don't worry. I am rational. Its just... you know. I can be rational and know what I'm doing is bad for me, and still feel like I'm gaining a greater good by losing parts of myself. Yeah.

A good solid 153.4 this morning. So I'm officially 153, even though I ate that salad yesterday. I'm rather pleased. Hope to see 152 before I go to class and eat that soup; it will probably be thick creamy soup or something. I will try to be good and not eat a lot though!

At least I'm not still stuck. It feels good to be losing again after so long.

Wish me luck. Xoxo.

At one point today I saw 153.8. Don't know how accurate that was. But I've at least been hovering at 154 today consistently. I still hate my scale. But I DO like starving, even though its hard. I almost broke weak today. Went to Target and bought some stuff including a couple shirts. I could tell that I've lost, even though it was just a couple lbs. I can also tell I've gotten fluffy since I stopped running as much. May not be taking classes next semester which would mean lots of running again.Woop! And while I hate what I see, I look forward to it improving. Weird that I can think of all those things at the same time.

Drinking a calorie free gatorade. Also ate like four or five sugar free chocolates. 190 cals. Too much. But probably won't affect my weight in the morning adversely. Hoping for a solid 153....

This morning, 154.4. Yeah! But I could not even function, I was so tired! So I had a couple of cookies from the teacher lounge. And I can feel not guilty about that, as long I manage not to eat the rest of the day. Starving doesn't seem to work as quickly as I'd like, but most other things don't work either. I don't really have time to run the substantial amounts I need to in order to lose. It just can't happen right now if I'm gonna function and get my homework and lesson planning done. I know that not eating makes me run slow, but I'm managing. And I have a good inner gage, so if I start to crash and burn, I'll make myself eat! I'm doing fine though. I can do this.

Also, I have to see the ex this weekend, albeit briefly, so I have to look as amazing as I possibly can. Not because I want to get back with him, or manipulate him, or anything... Just because that's what you do. I have to look good. I have a couple options for cute outfits to wear, so that will be good too.

I'm dying to get to 148. That's my "short term" goal right now, although only God knows how long it will take me to get there. As long as I'm losing and not gaining, I'm good. Also, I'm probably getting dehydrated, so I need to drink a crap ton of water today and that will help my body keep going!

Starving is always better than puking.

I just hate my body. Doesn't matter how much I starve! I can just never get below 155. Nothing works. But today I did good. I started the day at 157, a lb higher than last night--don't know why. But by this eve I was 155.0. Today I have had a couple starburst, an entire cucumber and salad dressing, and lots of coffee and tea. Now I'm having a beer because I can't sleep and I need to relax. At one point tonight I saw 154.8 but I don't trust it and later I weighed and got higher weights that were all within the 154-155.8 range. My scale sucks. So when I am at the lower end of 154 I will be more likely to believe it!

I figure a beer cant hurt me... its either that or eat or drink a glass of milk. You know that feeling when you've been restricting or fasting so long (or in my case puking everything up before I can digest it for some "meals") that you just feel high? Part of it is probably lack of sleep and too much caffeine working together. I'm gonna be fine. One light beer on an empty stomach can do wonders for relaxation.

Tomorrow.... the goal is to see 154 or even 153. Can't stop. And can't believe that I'm actually managing this during finals week. One good thing is instead of wasting lunch time in the teacher's lounge, I get shit done in my classroom. Or at least get the much needed downtime I need between classes. Go me!!!!

Aw fuck. Went into the teacher lounge to get coffee. There were bagels. I ate one. Want to purge... hard to do at school. Fuck.

I got down to 155.2. Then of course I started eating. Its like this roadblock mindswitch thing or something. So I've eaten a few normal meals. The past 2 days I didn't eat all day until dinner. Today I ate starburst, had a latte and a pumpkin muffin before class. I was soooooo tired. It was crazy. And then I decided on Noodles for dinner (Noodles and Co.... they don't have that in TN!). So it was really yummy. And then about 30 mins later I purged it. I'm pretty sure I got everything but a few tiny pieces. I can hardly ever purge that much! And then I took a laxative. So we'll see how this goes. I don't plan on eating tomorrow daytime, but tomorrow eve I will definitely be around food. Snacky foods. It will probably happen. I'm expecting to be 156 tomorrow. I'd like to get a good solid 3-4 mile run in at least once this weekend. I don't know if I can do any better than maintain for at least another week, really. Its finals...

If only I could see something below 155...

By the way, I'm pretty sure I'm getting good at the science of purging without hurting my vocal chords much. My teeth are another story. But for now I'm getting good at managing purging and singing.

Let's just be honest. Truthfully, I'm bulimic. Totally. Completely. Bulimic. If it weren't for singing I'd be in a clinic. And still fat.