Drunkenness, well really just tipsyness. Hatred for myself. Haven't been able to stay on track in a couple weeks. Ran 4.5 miles on the treadmill last night, but obviously that's not the same as on real earth and pavement. Looking forward to taking the semester off classes so that I will only have to teach and run. And focus on singing and voice lessons. And volunteering at the nursing home by myself. Looking so forward to that. Relationships are EVERYTHING. Hopefully I will be able to make some old people happy. And maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll meet some dashing young man who is either the grandson of a resident, or works for the nursing home. Stupid I know...

Looking forward to having a long day working on the treadmill tomorrow. Aunt and uncle will be at work.

Is it crazy to think there is a purpose to my singleness? I know some of you won't get this but I think my ex needs me right now. I pray that he experiences the presence of God in a real way. I love Jesus and I just want him to know Jesus the way I do. I'm not perfect. I'm screwed up. I really, really am. But that's okay. I'm okay with that. Jesus is okay with that. You don't have to be fixed up to know him. You don't have to know everything. I love him... and I just want Seth to know him too. I worry about him terribly because he drinks way too much. I mean... I got pretty tipsy tonight, but he gets drunk every weekend. Like really really drunk. Last weekend he hit his head and I took care of him. I hope that helped him know that I love him...in this crazy way, because I really, really don't wanna be with him but I just care so deeply for him...

Sorry I'm spilling all this. Might do it sober, bc I'm ridiculous and an open book, but tipsiness doesn't help. Ugh. I ate waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy too much today and yesterday. Hopefully I will be close to on track tomorrow. I'll pb have to eat dinner but maybe I can avoid all other meals. No breakfast, no lunch. That'd be awesome.

Maybe skipping meals and purging is hypocritical to some of you when I call myself a follower of Jesus. Again, I have no answers for that... I'm not perfect. I don't think I have to be. I know that he loves me and has good things for me, even when I have no good for myself. I believe, against all hope, against my own belief, that he has some wonderful man that's gonna want me the way I am and gonna want to help me be healthy.

I really do believe that. Even though I hate myself.... Maybe some of you can relate...