I'm having a nervous breakdown on the inside. So much crap I have eaten today. Damn Christmas treats. And just ate too much dinner for one sitting. Ugh. Too tired to purge. Literally. I have a final I HAVE to go finish. Too tired.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I will not look hot. I will probably look like the cow I am. And I will probably eat... because its my birthday. There may be alcohol involved. But not too much because I have to work the next day. I will be exhausted on my birthday. But that's the way life goes. At least finals will be over.
I know this won't make sense to some of you. But I look in all the wrong places for my life. Really all I want is Jesus, and I know that, but so many other things distract me. And I can't help myself. I long to feel connected to people. I'm a nuisance of a friend sometimes. Too needy. Too clingy. Talk too much. Stress too much. Worry too much. Too open, too attached, too fast. (I really am a great friend if you can get past those things. Its a lot to deal with. I am too much. And not good enough. Wow.) I don't really know what to do with myself. People don't fix things. Being "connected" to people doesn't fix things. Being with men doesn't fix things. I know that it doesn't. If it did I would have given up my virginity long ago. Its hard to keep it. But glad I have it. Lonely, you know. Very lonely. I'm so lonely. And still Jesus is beckoning.
And even still I want to be thin. Even Jesus doesn't change that, doesn't fix that. There has to be a way to make sense of that. I just don't know how yet.
Happy birthday to me. I'm gonna take the quickest power nap ever and go finish that damn final... if I can get it finished...