Weight Loss to Date

Monday, December 13, 2010

I'm having a nervous breakdown on the inside. So much crap I have eaten today. Damn Christmas treats. And just ate too much dinner for one sitting. Ugh. Too tired to purge. Literally. I have a final I HAVE to go finish. Too tired.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will not look hot. I will probably look like the cow I am. And I will probably eat... because its my birthday. There may be alcohol involved. But not too much because I have to work the next day. I will be exhausted on my birthday. But that's the way life goes. At least finals will be over.

I know this won't make sense to some of you. But I look in all the wrong places for my life. Really all I want is Jesus, and I know that, but so many other things distract me. And I can't help myself. I long to feel connected to people. I'm a nuisance of a friend sometimes. Too needy. Too clingy. Talk too much. Stress too much. Worry too much. Too open, too attached, too fast. (I really am a great friend if you can get past those things. Its a lot to deal with. I am too much. And not good enough. Wow.) I don't really know what to do with myself. People don't fix things. Being "connected" to people doesn't fix things. Being with men doesn't fix things. I know that it doesn't. If it did I would have given up my virginity long ago. Its hard to keep it. But glad I have it. Lonely, you know. Very lonely. I'm so lonely. And still Jesus is beckoning.

And even still I want to be thin. Even Jesus doesn't change that, doesn't fix that. There has to be a way to make sense of that. I just don't know how yet.

Happy birthday to me. I'm gonna take the quickest power nap ever and go finish that damn final... if I can get it finished...


  1. I sympathize so, so much with your sentiments about Jesus. He and I aren't as close as we used to be, could be, should be right now.

    My ED is getting in the way. It's getting in the way of so many things. *sigh*

    And you know, I would love to get to know you better. I really would. Just so you're aware, because it sounds like you feel as though people can't tell what a cool person you are. I can tell. :)

  2. hope you had a great birthday!!!

  3. Hope you had a good birthday Z. Glad to see you again.


  4. "Really all I want is Jesus, and I know that, but so many other things distract me."

    Story of my life.
    Jesus might not make you thin, but he'll make you thousands of times happier and more content than you are now, he can heal you and take away your hate for yourself. He's doing this to me , slowly, but surely.

    look after yourself hun, have a great birthday!