Good solid 152 today. Last night I ate soup and it was good. And our professor made us take food home. I ended up binging on these little pastry things she made me take. I came home. I purged when I got home. Haven't eaten today, and I don't think I'll have to, maybe. I hope to see 151 before the day is over. And 150 by tomorrow would be great. (I will probably end up having to eat at some point tomorrow.) I would be so close to 148, which is my first goal. 150 to see my ex would kinda sorta make me feel more comfortable with myself. Not really, but kinda.
I don't really understand my body. I can do all the same things, and yet sometimes I have spurts of losing and sometimes no matter how I starve, nothing happens. I'm starting to realize that starving still works, it just works differently than how I perceived it to work when I was younger. And also... I don't know if this makes sense. But really I've lost 8 lbs since like a week and a half ago, if you start from the highest number I had on the scale. But I never count from that, I count from the lowest number I had reached to begin with-- I see that as my true weight after my bowels are clear and food has worked its way through. So like I have seen 160 last week, but because my true lowest weight was 155, I only saw it as a 3 lb loss. And when I think of it that way I freak out and wonder why it takes me so long to lose a measly lbs after so much work. I think when I was in high school I would just measure from whatever I currently saw and count from there. I didn't have all the rituals in place that I do now, about not weighing with liquids, not weighing at certain times of the day blah blah. When I look back, I was really good at this ED stuff when I was in high school, and I didn't even realize it. I just didn't eat for days at a time. Period. It was just simple.
Anyways, I'm glad to be back on track. In some sick way, I feel more myself than ever. At this moment, less insecure. My life has meaning. I'm accomplishing something. I'm deranged.
Really I know my life has more meaning than this. Its just a season, like it usually is for me. Don't worry. I am rational. Its just... you know. I can be rational and know what I'm doing is bad for me, and still feel like I'm gaining a greater good by losing parts of myself. Yeah.