I am having a good day today. I had a lovely email from a dear friend in my inbox this morning. Or maybe its only lovely because its him... but he makes me feel better.

Two of my friends were caught cuddling on the couch in the dark last night by the girl's roommate, my other friend. I am not to speak of this to anyone, but I did straight up ask the boy today if he likes someone secretly, and he said yes! I love it when beautiful people get together. It makes me feel pessimistic about myself, but its so lovely to think about two people I adore possibly getting together. But then, sometimes, I get mad at other people because they are my age and married. I'm stupid like that.

Anyways, I am doing really well calorie wise, and with the lovely email (not by someone that I could ever be romantically linked with, he's married, he's more like a father figure), and this development with my friends, I'm feeling lovely today. Almost thin. Two friends told me I looked really really good today. I know I'm not thin, but a girl can dream, right? What I really want in my life is to be an accomplished, beautiful, successful girl-- I want grad school more than anything right now. But a part of me wants to be cherished by a man, you know? I havent had a date in so so soooooo long. I know its because I am ugly and fat, and when I am beautiful and thin, more of what I want will be in reach. Today I'm gonna try to hold on to this elusively unreasonably ambiguous lovely feeling and let it help me meet with some success (aka motivation for weight loss).

I want to weigh myself because I feel thin, but I know that'd be stupid. Every time I see a loss, I get too excited or something and I screw it up. I'd rather just restrict hardcore for a week and then see a happy loss or something. I feel like I am getting some forward motion now and I don't wanna mess it up. I WILL BE THIN!

Today I have had:

coffee with cream and low cal hot chocolate: 100 cals
a tiny yogurt: 60 cals
2 pieces of low cal bread: 70 cals
artificial butter spray: 0 cals!
a pickle (my saving grace in times of munchies): 0 cals!

Total so far: 230 cals! And I feel like I have actually eaten today. I love safe foods. Really! I think I'm gonna buy some rice cakes and break them into little pieces. I am finding that if I have something to munch on that is super low cal, everything is ok!

(In case you were wondering, yesterday was not dreadful, but also not the stellar performance I so desired. Its ok. I feel in my clothes that I am still losing... I just don't to talk about it. Past is past. I'm gonna go have another zero cal pickle!)