Welp, the other day I was back up to 173 again. Its like my body just wants me to weigh that much and not any other number... I wonder if anyone else experiences this? I have landed on that number so many times. And I lose, but its like a magnet and it just goes back up and settles on that number. So weird.
Anyways, I binged again yesterday, and today I did ok... not great but ok. I'm afraid to know how many calories I ate. I hardly had any real food, but I downed several pieces of chocolate when I got home because I was sad. If I had to guess, with chocolate I'm around 800... I don't really wanna know for real.
My friend that I go to school with-- we're sort of ana buddies-- she made an interesting point. I really and truly am a bulimic at heart. I am so good at binge and purge. And I have this outgoing, explosive personality, so it makes sense. And she is totally the opposite-- very introverted and controlled about her routine and stuff. Just so you know, I don't purge anymore because I am a singer (I have a degree in vocal performance/opera and I'm trying to get into grad school for it) and puking would mess up my voice in no time flat. I think it was a really cool observation, though. Fairly true about our personalities.
One of my favorite male teachers (that I am particularly close to--advisor, choral director, i was his student worker, etc) told me today he could tell I had lost a lot of weight. I immediately hugged him. He's like a Dad to me... Honestly, sometimes I have felt that if I was prettier he would take me more seriously and like me better. He is a man after all... I'm hyper senstive to having men think I am attractive and valuable even if I don't want to be with them in any way. Maybe its kinda stupid. I just desperately need male approval of any sort. Period.
Well, dears, tomorrow my goal is to hard core work out. I'm gonna try to eat and just restrict gently. 500 cals is always a good and effective goal for me! And honestly, I don't wanna weigh myself til next sunday. What I'd really like is to lose several pounds, be on a good streak and then see a massive difference in the scale. Can I do it?