Tried to post this earlier, but I had computer issues:

I feel... weird today. Its hot outside. Motivation to lose because all I want to do is cover myself up.

Last night I didn't do so well. The day wasn't very good. Damn chick fil A. Sick. This morning was not God awful, but not great. If I can manage to not eat the rest of the day, it wouldn't end terribly. I've got an apple and some celery if I just have to munch on something...

I feel bummed out. I love teaching. I'm excited about moving to Colorado. But where is my life headed? Nowhere I expected and wanted. Still a good place. But not where I wanted. Who am I? Is it wrong that I defined myself by singing? Am I stupid to think that I can rise from being the underdog and show them all, that maybe I'm just a late bloomer?

If that's not the case... then I don't know who I am.

iwanttopurge.iwanttopurge.iwanttopurge.iwanttopurge.iwanttopurge.iwanttopurge.Except I never purge. And there is no excuse painful enough to make me. My voice is already screwed right now.

Had a good day. Half a cookie all day long. Til just now. Ate 3 boiled egg whites. Not God aweful... my body really did need to protein.

4 handfuls of mini pretzels. FML. And I will be soooo bloated tomorrow. Fml. fml. fml. fml. fml.

I went inline skating for 2 hours tonight. So much fun. I actually thought I might see a loss on the scale tomorrow. So much for that.

Sorry I have been sucking at commenting, dears. Life is very; busy, at least until after Tuesday. Then I can breathe. I am sure that I have gained a million pounds this week, although my clothes don't seem to be telling it yet. Gotta reign it in. I want to lose so so so bad...

Still pretty heartbroken about 2 rejections within 20 minutes of each other. I had an unexpected meltdown today, and luckily one of my friends came off the elevator at the exact moment when I started. She comforted me and I cried most of it out... Still sad. But I am a fighter and the most determined person EVER when I decide something is worthwhile.

I'm excited about going to school for Music Ed, but a part of me wishes that if I'm not cut out to be a performer, that I would stop wanting it. I don't know what you girls believe... but I know that God has a plan, as trite and cliche and hard to believe as it is. I know that the positive things I have to look forward to didn't come because I necessarily made them happen. So along with that I hold with faith and hope that I WILL get a degree in Vocal Performance, even if the department at Colorado doesn't know it just yet. I can show them.

I will be successful. At weight loss. At teaching. At singing. You'll see.

Epic Fail times 3

Today I had my vocal competition. I didn't even make it past the first round. Last year I was a freaking finalist, in the top 3! How does that work?

Twenty minutes after I got my results from the competition, I got another rejection letter from a school. Granted, I already kind of made up my mind to go to Colorado, but it still hurt. A lot. This was my 2nd choice for school. The bottom line is that I am going to school for Music Ed when what I really wanted was to go for Vocal Performance. Ouchie. The dream has not died, I promise. It is still alive, it is just a little bruised today. Mark my words, once I get to Colorado and they get to know me, they will see that they need to let me into the performance program-- I will do both degrees.

The amount of food I have eaten over the past few days is almost embarrassing. It over now. Singing is over... stress is over (most of it)... I am gonna do this. Restriction begins hardcore tomorrow. And working out. And practicing singing EVERY DAY.

I WILL be thin. And I WILL succeed at being a good opera singer. It just takes time.

I officially just had my first C&S binge... ever. I C&S'ed lots of chocolate. I ate a little bit. Definitely spit as much as I could. I still feel disgusting. Feel like I should purge too. But my craving went away.

Had some toast and cheese at lunch... last night I binged... I was trying to be good but I felt bad all day.

Tonight I got the bright idea that I would eat protein. Welp, I ended up eating chicken lo mein. STUPID CHOICE. and then of course my C&S binge.

I'm a fatty. I'm gonna look disgusting at my competition this weekend. I hope I sing well at least... :(

Stupid cow.

I'm out of my head with exhaustion for lack of food.

Last night I binged, but not because I was painfully hungry. My energy was so low and I felt so so horrible that I just had to eat. I'm scared... The lack of food has been taking its toll on my body and I'm so so exhausted that its hard to accomplish anything to my fullest capacity...no pun intended.

I want to starve myself away... I NEED to lose weight. But in order for me to get through this weekend and into next week with success, it doesn't look like I'll be eating much. I better do well at this stupid competition and my elementary Easter play that I'm leading better go well. Otherwise I have wasted what feels like millions of calories for nothing.

I just want to starve into oblivion. I want to be thin. But I also want to succeed at the things I do in life. Why can't I have it all?

I'm so so sooooo tired.

Another addendum to the previous post

Just so you know, I am the most persistent person EVER. And I want to sing more than anything. And be beautiful doing it. I WILL do this. No matter how many screw ups I have, and no matter how fat I am right at this moment... I won't quit.

Not much to say. Fasted (nearly) for two days. Binged because I sang in my voice lab and felt so shaky... not a good thing for singing. So I binged my heart out. Even after that, I went to my two good friends' recital and good friend that I want to make out with desperately, I've referred to him as J., said how amazing I was looking. Lots of people actually said I looked hot tonight. I know I actually looked like a cow and I felt like a huge cow and I still feel like a huge cow...

Why doesn't the scale budge? It creeps, but so slowly it isn't even worth talking about. I've only lost 6 lbs since January for all the yo-yo-ing and even that is disqualified by a current gain.

I read an article recently that extreme weight loss in a short amount of time can be detrimental to singing because it screws with your breath support. Not the first time I've heard that... Well, I'll just have to keep practicing, won't I? And keep losing. Because I'm still disgusting. Ew.

EDIT:

I am a huge fucking cow. That is all.

Dear Self,

You are so fucking fat, disgusting and pathetic, you should never let another morsel pass your lips.

Sincerely,

Your disgustingly fat self.


I saw pictures of myself. I'm so disgusting. I ate ice cream today. Also disgusting. Why do I always make bad choices right after I see success??? I don't get it. I wish I could purge, but it would probably make me feel even worse. I'm glad I have at least self control for that!

I've gotta do this whole heartedly. Glad I have some pics OF MYSELF to use as reverse thinspo. Ugh.

Broke the plateau!!!

I am 167.2 lbs this morning. FINALLY! That means I only have to lose 4 lbs in the next 7 days :)

I KNOW I CAN DO IT!!!! Starving works. It does! I just have to keep at it :) I'm gonna go drink some coffee with sugar free chocolate syrup in it (15 cals only!!!) and think about how wonderfully empty I am!

Stay strong girlies! We can do this!

So I just weighed, at bedtime, and I am 169.4. If I figure like Sottile does, I should weigh 168.4 or even 168.0 when I get up? The problem is, I have to drink plenty of water before bed so that I don't dehydrate so that I can practice for the next day. Because as a singer, water is great, but you need to drink plenty the day before whatever your performance/event is so that your body can have time to absorb and distribute. Or something like that.

Anyways, I'm afraid the water will mess it up... But whatever. Hopefully not, because I'll pee it all out before I weigh, right?

My ana buddy today was telling me I need to try and love myself into succeeding at losing. It kind of makes sense in a way... the more you hate yourself, the less motivated you feel sometimes, the more you fuck up. At least that's the way it is for me. My reason for doing this (much different than most of yours) is so I can succeed in my life-- no one likes a fat opera singer. Even opera singers have to be beautiful nowadays. And of course that whole factor of my Dad loves me more when I'm thin. I am 23 but I feel like such a little girl always trying to earn his approval.

Whatever. I want to be an opera singer more than ANYTHING. And I will be a beautiful one. I have a vocal competition next friday. My goal is to be 163 by then. Can I do it? If I wake up at 168, I will have 7 days to lose 5 lbs. Help me girls... please help me be focused to do this! I have to look good at this competition. I've worked so so hard for it.

Bulimic at heart

All I want to do is throw up. I am a complete bulimic at heart. I just eat and puke, because I can't take the heat of starving anymore :( Ate lunch with my friend. Probably just ate a million calories.

Why can't I stop? All I want to do is puke right now. But I need to practice today. I just took some diet pills but I can't take the most effective one because it has too much caffeine and is bad for my voice :( And I don't really have money to buy more pills or anything...

I'm going to do this. Because really, the only thing that matters is that you're skinny:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/viewpoint/vp_binks/20040401.html

Quick update because I'm tired.

I have a few amazing days followed by a few days of being pathetic. This is my cycle.

I have eaten crap for two days in a row. Today would have been okay, but I drank and got tipsy, which made me a little sick to my stomach, which made me want to eat and eat.

Yesterday was horrible, but the good news is that I got an acceptance letter to the Music Ed program at Colorado. Not my first choice... my first choice was performance, but my plan is to go and reaudition so that I can do both programs. Kinda scary, but YAY! at the same time. Thus, celebratory eating. Stupid choice.

Tonight I tried my first variety of smoking anything. I had a few puffs of my friend's black and mild. I've never smoked anything EVER. I crossed a new threshold. I sing, so I probably shouldn't do it much, but it was kind of fun to do something new...

I have a vocal competition in a week and a half. Thus a lot of losing weight should be in order, because I need to look good and believable in the role of an aria I'm singing. I'm such a fatass right now. I have to eat lunch with a friend tomorrow, but I WILL do better. And I'll workout, too.

Ugh. I CAN do this. I just have to focus on what matters most to me.

Everyday I wake up hopeful. Hopeful to lose weight, and hopeful to hear from a grad school.

This morning I weighed in at 169.0. I broke the plateau. But 169 is now becoming another plateau. I know I have probably gained some muscle from running, but I'm trying not to factor that in too too much. I am glad my body looks better in addition to being lighter! Plan today is yogurt, apple, celery, drinking plenty of fluids-- pb some vitamin water, coffee, maybe a piece of 35 cal toast, and pickles. All my safe foods. And I will run tonight. I am realizing that in order to run effectively, I have to eat so that my body has fuel. And a crap ton of vitamin B never hurts :).

I'm looking forward to this day because tomorrow I WILL see 168.

The past few days haven't been stellar and productive eating wise, but they haven't been a total failure either... So there ya go. At least I broke into the 160's FINALLY! How ever slow it may have been...

I have drama at my house. I'm pretty sure my roommate slept with one of her friends, a mutual friend of her ex. This friend has a girlfriend. The ex busted in first thing this morning to find out why the friend's car was here. They are downstairs arguing it out now. Friend is still here.

Ex boyfriend has a history of violence with my roommate. He actally strangled her and did some other stuff to her in front of me a few weeks ago. I think she slept with him. She and friend are saying that even though it looks like it, that's not what happened. I would like to get my last hour of sleep in before I have to get ready for work, but instead I will spend it biting my nails that no one dies in my apartment. I can't take this drama.

I hope this doesn't trigger you... I ate crap. But it turned out ok.

Yesterday I binged. It was almost inevitable, positive thoughts or not. I ate hibachi with my friend on the spur of the moment. And then I had screwed it all up so I went to steak and shake with my friend and had a turkey club, fries, and split a turtle shake with her.

Today i had some M&ms, some hot chocolate, tons of coffee, and a bowl of potato soup that my roommate made from scratch. It can't possibly have been good for my heart/arteries. I could see the butter floating around in it. But i was so weak and terribly hungry. Grr.

And now for the good news. I went for a run after that, even though I was terribly tired. I just told myself I would walk and only run if I felt up to it. And I did! I ran and ran and ran. I usually do an hour. Today I did an hour and a half. I just couldn't stop. I enjoyed myself so so much. I must have burned at least as many cals running as were in that bowl of soup. Had to. Stupid soup couldn't have had 700 cals!

I came home and weighed myself just to see how much water I lose when I work out like that. I know I have been saying I'm gonna stay away from the scale... Well, it said 168.8!!!!! I have been stuck like a magnet to 170! I know its probably a little bit of a fluke and I will be back up as soon as I drink water, but it gave me hope that maybe I've just been bloated this entire time or something dumb like that. At least that maybe its not fat...? I'm preparing to see a high number again tomorrow, but for the moment, I am elated.

I wish I didn't have to drink water, but I have a voice lesson tomorrow and hydration is terribly important for a healthy voice.

I love you skinnies! I dunno how I lucked out like this, but I'm happy for the moment!

I feel fat.

I feel disgusting.

Everything I put in my mouth makes me feel crappy.

I'm so tired today... I need energy.

I weighed. It wasn't terrible, but it was NOT what I wanted to see. I shouldn't have bothered.

I won't let it get me down. I WILL keep going.

I will refrain from eating as much as I can. I haven't eaten anything, but I am drinking a protein shake. I honestly don't even want to do that.

I'm gonna work out tonight. No matter what. And while I'm at it, I should probably practice. I have a vocal competition coming up in a couple weeks.

I am strong. I CAN do this. I WILL be skinny. We WILL do this!

Today I got more raves about how good I look. Its nice. But it feels counterfit. Like at any moment I will balloon back to hugeness. Or like maybe I just happen to be wearing the right clothes (and yesterday, the right makeup)and that I really am hideous under whatever seems to be masking me that day. I saw a pic of myself from last night and was disappointed.

I continue to not weigh myself, which is probably a very good thing. I wanted to run today, but I got so little sleep yesterday that it would only make me discouraged to try. So I'm resting.

I had eaten about 600 cals for the day, most of it carbs :( I liked the number though, but couldn't take it anymore and ate a few almonds and some soup. I could feel my body screaming for protein. The soup was only about 80 cals, but the damn almonds... ugh. like 150. In a way I feel okay since it was light and healthy, but I was enjoying the emptyness. Its such a love hate relationship. And of course, my appetite was worse since I didn't sleep. At least maybe with the protein my energy level won't tank too bad and I can count on my body to let me go running tomorrow :)

In my heart I want to think I really am losing, but I am afraid. But weighing won't help either, not right now. At least with several days of restriction, I "feel" light most of the time. I really don't want to weigh again until I see a number that's at least the mid to low 160's. I had gotten to 167 at one point, but even that number I only saw like once.

I WILL be thin. I WILL meet my goals. I WILL become who I want to be! I CAN do this. It's not THAT hard. Its WORTH IT. And all of this applies to you as well, my lovelies!

I had a great day today, at least in comparison to how I was doing a few days ago. I think I ate a total of 600 cals today, at least that's the estimate. I burned about 400ish jogging today. I miss the elliptical and my 600-700 cals burned in an hour, but I do love running, and I can do that after the gym is closed if I wanna work out too late.

After I wrote my last post, I dolled myself up for a choral concert that I was attending and singing in one piece as an alumni. I curled my hair and really did my makeup. I hardly ever wear makeup-- I stopped after Christmas and graduation because I realized that I couldn't ever look like I wanted until I lost weight. I was really packing on the makeup in an attempt to medicate my bad feelings about my weight. So instead I quit and focus all my energy on losing now. I feel that all the makeup in the world couldn't hide the ugly that I am sometimes. And when I do put makeup on, its extra special and people comment on it.

J., the guy I said I want to make out with so desperately (I mentioned him a couple weeks ago) made some nice comments to me tonight. He said I looked great, and that I had been for the last couple weeks. It made me feel awesome! I said that I sometimes felt like it was in vain, and he said that it wasn't and that he could definitely tell I'd been working on myself. Its kinda weird to be vulnerable like that, but I am notorious for it. Part of me feels that if this were so true, I could get a date or a makeout sesh or even just some expression of romantic admiration... from SOMEONE. I feel like such a stupid whore when I talk like this. I need the affirmation from a guy, and its nice to have it, but I need someone to show me. Talk only goes so far, you know?

I know I am SO soooo far from the mark. I could be so good looking if I would just get rid of this fat ass version of me. When I was in high school and was a lot smaller than I am now, people used to tell me how gorgeous I was all the time. And boys wanted to date me. I hope this doesn't come off as conceited. I guess I just mean I know what my potential is, what I could be, and yet I'm so far from there. I know you have to know what I am feeling-- that's pretty much what all our goals are about, right?

I want to be beautiful. And valuable. And successful at the things I set out to accomplish. And loved by my father. And THIN.

I am having a good day today. I had a lovely email from a dear friend in my inbox this morning. Or maybe its only lovely because its him... but he makes me feel better.

Two of my friends were caught cuddling on the couch in the dark last night by the girl's roommate, my other friend. I am not to speak of this to anyone, but I did straight up ask the boy today if he likes someone secretly, and he said yes! I love it when beautiful people get together. It makes me feel pessimistic about myself, but its so lovely to think about two people I adore possibly getting together. But then, sometimes, I get mad at other people because they are my age and married. I'm stupid like that.

Anyways, I am doing really well calorie wise, and with the lovely email (not by someone that I could ever be romantically linked with, he's married, he's more like a father figure), and this development with my friends, I'm feeling lovely today. Almost thin. Two friends told me I looked really really good today. I know I'm not thin, but a girl can dream, right? What I really want in my life is to be an accomplished, beautiful, successful girl-- I want grad school more than anything right now. But a part of me wants to be cherished by a man, you know? I havent had a date in so so soooooo long. I know its because I am ugly and fat, and when I am beautiful and thin, more of what I want will be in reach. Today I'm gonna try to hold on to this elusively unreasonably ambiguous lovely feeling and let it help me meet with some success (aka motivation for weight loss).

I want to weigh myself because I feel thin, but I know that'd be stupid. Every time I see a loss, I get too excited or something and I screw it up. I'd rather just restrict hardcore for a week and then see a happy loss or something. I feel like I am getting some forward motion now and I don't wanna mess it up. I WILL BE THIN!

Today I have had:

coffee with cream and low cal hot chocolate: 100 cals
a tiny yogurt: 60 cals
2 pieces of low cal bread: 70 cals
artificial butter spray: 0 cals!
a pickle (my saving grace in times of munchies): 0 cals!

Total so far: 230 cals! And I feel like I have actually eaten today. I love safe foods. Really! I think I'm gonna buy some rice cakes and break them into little pieces. I am finding that if I have something to munch on that is super low cal, everything is ok!

(In case you were wondering, yesterday was not dreadful, but also not the stellar performance I so desired. Its ok. I feel in my clothes that I am still losing... I just don't to talk about it. Past is past. I'm gonna go have another zero cal pickle!)

Well, today wasn't an epic fail, believe it or not (well, I don't think). I've been on a horrible streak the past few days. I hope its over. I started out by working out. I burned 425 calories. I'm epically sore from my run the other night.

Then, I went to breakfast with a couple friends. Coffee and fruit. Pb 250 cals tops. Went to work, ate two house salads and some croutons...

100 cals for cheese
320 cals for croutons :(
50 cals for dressing

So an 800ish day? Not great, but okay. I wish I hadn't wasted all those calories on croutons, but I was so exhausted and bored and stressed. I hate waitressing. Freak. The good news is I probably burned extra calories running around at work.

Crap. And I just remembered I ate a friggin' banana. 90 cals? And add to that about 40 cals for the creamer I used in my coffee at work. So more like 900-1000 cals. The good thing is that I feel hungry, finally. But its not like empty hungry. Just... dull hungry.

Plan for tomorrow (which is dumb because I never follow them, but I'm gonna try):

Yogurt- 60 cals
apple- 130 cals
celery?
soup- 100 cals (50 cals a serving, I'll have it twice)
another apple if I need it?

I'm gonna do this! I feel motivated! Happy I had a good day today. I hope you all have a good day with me tomorrow <3

Last night I went for a run for a full hour. Talk about an anti depressant. I felt so much better. And then I came home and ate leftovers. Not the best move after all the crap I've been eating, but I wanted to start fresh today, and I don't purge, and the only way to get rid of it was to eat it or throw it away, which I could bear to do (waste of money). So I ate it, enjoyed it and now it gone.

The bad part was that I woke up sick from it. My stomach hurt so bad this morning. It still hurts but its better. My friends want me to go out to eat with them tonight. My plan is to only drink diet coke... but if I do relent, just a house salad and maybe a tiny bit of bread. I would like to pretend I'm gonna be strong enough to say no, but I don't know if I will be. Today is at least an improvement...

Wish me luck! Thanks for all the comments lately. Its really been helping considering all the turmoil I'm in as I wait for grad schools to get back to me. Love you girls.

I feel so worthless. This school crap has me completely screwed over. I'm fasting tomorrow because I've been a worthless piece of crap for days now.

The end.

I am on my period. Ugh.

Plan for tomorrow is the leftovers in my fridge... and I need to go to the store and buy some apples and celery. So I will do that too.

And I'm working out with my friend first thing.



Tell me why it is that some people are so naturally beautiful? And why i can't be? Sometimes I feel like I've overcome so freaking many things in my life, worked so hard... and still I get shafted. Obviously this is also coming from the fears I have about school. I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna get in to the places I want to go. I may be getting into a school for Music Ed, but its complicated because i really wanted to go for performance.

It just makes me angry seeing pictures of all my friends on facebook with these lovely lives... and they are beautiful. I don't want to be the fat girl. And yet somehow I keep being the fat girl :(

I have the power and control to make my dreams happen. I just have to do it.

Welp, the other day I was back up to 173 again. Its like my body just wants me to weigh that much and not any other number... I wonder if anyone else experiences this? I have landed on that number so many times. And I lose, but its like a magnet and it just goes back up and settles on that number. So weird.

Anyways, I binged again yesterday, and today I did ok... not great but ok. I'm afraid to know how many calories I ate. I hardly had any real food, but I downed several pieces of chocolate when I got home because I was sad. If I had to guess, with chocolate I'm around 800... I don't really wanna know for real.

My friend that I go to school with-- we're sort of ana buddies-- she made an interesting point. I really and truly am a bulimic at heart. I am so good at binge and purge. And I have this outgoing, explosive personality, so it makes sense. And she is totally the opposite-- very introverted and controlled about her routine and stuff. Just so you know, I don't purge anymore because I am a singer (I have a degree in vocal performance/opera and I'm trying to get into grad school for it) and puking would mess up my voice in no time flat. I think it was a really cool observation, though. Fairly true about our personalities.

One of my favorite male teachers (that I am particularly close to--advisor, choral director, i was his student worker, etc) told me today he could tell I had lost a lot of weight. I immediately hugged him. He's like a Dad to me... Honestly, sometimes I have felt that if I was prettier he would take me more seriously and like me better. He is a man after all... I'm hyper senstive to having men think I am attractive and valuable even if I don't want to be with them in any way. Maybe its kinda stupid. I just desperately need male approval of any sort. Period.

Well, dears, tomorrow my goal is to hard core work out. I'm gonna try to eat and just restrict gently. 500 cals is always a good and effective goal for me! And honestly, I don't wanna weigh myself til next sunday. What I'd really like is to lose several pounds, be on a good streak and then see a massive difference in the scale. Can I do it?

So this is what will happen

So this is what's going to happen. I'm gonna go in there and weigh myself right now. Moment of truth and honesty. And start fresh. My immediate goal is 10 lbs. I will work super hard until I see it. I won't give up.

When I have accomplished that... well, we'll see... Wish me luck girls. I am determined. This is what I want.

I am drunk. I wish I was drunker.

I have eaten so much the past two days. I think I am done now. I hope. I got rejected, as I said before. Rejection sucks. I wish I was more drunk.

I hope that I get in to my other school of choice. Do you think God is mad at me? I suck.

I find I like to drunk text people. I haven't yet. I'm just writing to you lovely people instead, because I'm usually embarrased the next morning...

I will get back on track. Soon. I really will. I love myself... I wanna succeed in the world. That's why I'm doing this, believe it or not. Because I deserve to succeed. I deserve to be skinny. And succeed.