I'm going crazy. I keep gaining weight. I am trying to be a normal eater but its just impossible without gaining weight. I am trying to do a lot of liquid, no gluten, mostly fruits and veggies, and avoiding meat (though I'm not starting with that part until after I get back home to Boulder). I'm also trying to avoid coffee because of my acid reflux, though I love it so soooo much. We will see how it goes. I need to lose some weight fast, but it probably won't happen. I'm not going to take extreme measures to do it--liquid is not a bad or unhealthy option, vegetarianism has documented health benefits, and I need to be gluten free because of my vocal issues and inflammation. Nothing extreme or desperate. I wish there was a miracle cure, but there isn't.

I'm trying to have the mindset that I am okay the way that I am. It is okay to accept yourself and still go through times where you make other choices about health. I don't want to feel deprived, that's when I freak out and/or binge. So if I miss meat, I may give myself permission to eat meat. If I want a piece of bread, I may make an exception occasionally (can't do it often, to avoid inflammation!). I will definitely make exceptions for beer occasionally... I miss the Southern Sun (a brewery/pub in Boulder).

I want to make choices that will help me lose, and I would soooo like to lose fast, but I know that its baby steps...

I have very nearly relapsed into full blown bulimia lately, but I stopped myself. I am not eating very well, but I am trying to be a disciplined runner again. I miss it for so many reasons. We'll see what happens!

I bought a scale but I haven't used it yet. You may see a panicked post from me when I finally do.

I am alive. I don't know what to say. Maybe sometime soon I'll be able to talk. It just doesn't feel worth the effort. If you still read maybe you can send me a shout out. I would love that :)

I'll write soon.

So much has happened in a month. Just to warn you, I am teeny bit tipsy, but not bad. I have been bawling my eyes out. Mostly because I am ridiculous. A tiny part because I have a right to be sad.

Since I wrote last month, I have met the man I am going to marry. I know that sounds like the craziest thing ever. I don't care. Ironically, it wasn't the ex's friend... He was the one I thought I was so compatible with.

It was the other one. For some crazy reason, I lost my virginity to him.

If you know anything about me, virginity has been a big deal, hang up, issue for me. I'm 25. I'm one of the last of a dying breed.

He was a virgin too. There's nothing wrong with him... He was just painfully shy all his life. Its intersting. Trust me when I say that while I have never, ever been attracted to an Asian, he is the hottest thing ever.  There is not a thing wrong with him--he is a very thoughtful and sweet man. And right for me. That's mostly what counts.

I love him. I am going to marry him. And have his quarter Korean, quarter puertorican, half white babies. They are going to be the most beautiful children that ever lived.

I know I sound crazy. I am. But everything I have said so far is true! It just hasn't happened yet, the whole him falling in love with me yet. But it will. Trust me.

He had surgery yesterday. I lost my virginity to him last Friday. It hasn't even been a week. It was the most magical virginity losing that anyone has ever had. Just saying.

Anyways, we have slept together twice. In less than a week since this happened, he had surgery on his leg. (He is a rock climber. Stupid climbers. Stupid Boulder. Stupid rocks. Why do boys have to be so interested in danger?) He was under general anesthesia and didn't feel well enough to see me yesterday after the surgery. Today, didn't seem well enough either. Problem is, it was one of the most stressful days of the whole school year for me, so all I wanted was to be hugged and kissed and cuddled by my boyfriend. That, and a big ass margarita.

So of course he didn't feel up to seeing me. Godammit.

We talked about it via text, what happened tonight. This guy and I agreed not to play the dating game, previously (in person). So trying to tell him how I feel... well I'm trying to do that. Sure, he needs to be trained because he's pretty inexperienced? (So says some people....). So do I train him by giving him the silent treatment all the time (one girl's suggestion) or just tell him what I need?

I am scarred. Relationships and vulnerability are so hard for me (hard for anyone, really), especially because of my shitty family history. He knows. He knew before he slept with me. He was sweet about it then, but I don't know if he REALLY knows how it its affecting me.

Of course, because of hormones, dopamine and such, now that I have slept with him I want to be with him every moment of every day. Inconvenient when your man is having a major surgery less than a week after you slept with him for the first time.

Anyways, here's what I did after I didn't get to see him. The loving thing is to understand and give him space. This is a shitload for him to deal with, even if he didn't have me on top of it. But I was so desperate to see him. Why I'm so fucking crazy... ugh. Anyways, I told him I was sad and frustrated but that I understood.

After a couple glasses of wine, I flipped. HE NEEDS to want me like I want him. I CAN'T do this if he doesn't want me that way. So I deleted his number. And conversations. Ironic that while I was bawling my eyes out he texted me back. Deleted that too. Can't do this. He needs to text me back tomorrow.

I CAN'T BE VULNERABLE WITH ANYONE WHO DOESN'T WANT ME THE WAY I WANT HIM BACK.

I know I am being ridiculous, but this is what needs to happen. I know he wants me. But I need to give him a chance to want me, so I am. I AM NOT PURSUING HIM. So that's the way its gonna be.

I'll let you know.

The worst part about this is that I am doing a summer internship in Atlanta all of June and July. So he is gonna miss me and needs to spend every waking moment with me now.

Fucking surgery. Wrecking everything. Maybe its for the best. Real life happens to everyone.

I know I sound like one of those crazy girls. That's why I am writing it here instead of to him.

After the last post, I just have one observation to make.

J. made a comment about how I had been coy in my flirtation, and maybe I should be more straightforward. HA.

UGH.

I can't stand it when men say they want women to be straightforward and honest about how they feel, but when the woman actually does, THEY CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE IT. Its too much for them.

I don't think, although I don't know for sure, that J. will not be calling me for another date. It went fine. I was myself, always the goal. My ex, his BFF came up... some awkwardness tied into that. But its fine. I think maybe he's just too backward to actually go through with it.

Or maybe its because he's working on his PhD comps this week.

Or maybe the ex told him some shit about me. Whatever.

Or maybe he's just not that into me.

Whatever the case, I want you to know, and I want him to know, and I want to remind me even though I already know, that I am awesome. I have issues and some fuckedupness, just like anyone, but I will be good for someone. Sometime. Maybe not him. And maybe just not right now. But that's ok. I am ok with that.

I like the way I look. Mostly. And even when I don't I'm learning to.

I like who I am. That's not hard. Who I am is a sweet and genuine person, I just stick my foot in my mouth sometimes. But I have a great heart.

I have a lot of amazing shit going on. So excited to sing. I am a little worried about school work for the semester. But a whole lot of amazing shit is happening otherwise.

The other boy, R., is taking me to a really nice restaurant for our 2nd date. I am really kind of surprised... I feel like he might kinda like me :)

and if he doesn't... OH WELL. I like me :)

My weight is still kinda fluctuating, but its dipping a teensy bit lower... Hopefully I can keep that up. I pray to God I can keep that up.

SO TIRED. More to do that I possibly can. Not gonna have a long post, but here are the highlights.

Two dates this week! One with a guy I've known awhile, my ex's best friend. I've been broken up with the ex and even though it wasn't amicable per se, I haven't even seen him in a year. If he doesn't like it he can suck it. I think I could be really interested in ex's best friend...we'll call him J. He seems genuinely interested in me. Very smart. Physicist. Loves classical music, but doesn't know as much about it as me, so I challenge him even though he's brilliant. I think we are well-matched. Other guy, R., is someone I met online :/ I don't love the online dating thing but my friend talked me into it... I don't try very hard but I'll talk to guys if they talk to me first. Went on one date and he asked for a 2nd, seemed to like me. I'm more excited about J. because we have a little history now, but its fun to have two!

Singing competition went AMAZINGLY WELL. I kicked ass, and got an honorable mention. So many singing gigs coming up. So excited.

Weight fluxuating a little. I lost a few lbs that I had gained and now I am holding steady. Trying to just eat when my body wants and to savor it, so that I feel sated and not deprived.

More another day. SO TIRED.

It's been hard today. A struggle at different moments. Had a great singing day and feel awesome about my competition. I feel awful about how I look. This new discovery of filming what I look like is interesting. A dose of reality for sure. Is it possible to love yourself just as you are and improve yourself at the same time?? I want to lose weight. I NEED to lose weight. It's the truth. I can do hard things. And I can do them for the right reasons. I am an amazing person. And if I didn't change a thing it'd be ok, but since I'm here, I can do good things for my body. I'm gonna try hard.

I've been on the edge of sick with a sinus infection for a few days. Quite irritating.

Yesterday I had a vocal coaching in preparation for a competition I'm in this weekend. I'm ready, but I totally feel not so ready. The coaching didn't go very well.

The truth is, I can do this... I'm a GREAT singer and I can do this. I could win this thing if all of my confidence, love of singing (just enjoying the stage while I'm on it), good singing days (no post nasal drainage or acid reflux problems), and mental capacities aligned with themselves.

I'm a GREAT singer. I'm telling you this so that I can also tell me this, but its true. I just really want to go on stage and enjoy myself, no matter what happens. I don't expect to win, and I don't want to expect to win. I just want to really love what I'm doing.

I am trying, scrambling to finish an independent study this semester and I was watching a video of myself teach.

I am fat.

Like really fat.

I am trying to work on that.

It hurts that its one of the main reasons my father doesn't accept me, although God knows there are plenty of other reasons.

I read this book this week, and probably will re-read, called Heaven is Here. Its the story of this woman named Stephanie Nielson who was in a plane crash with her husband, and 80% of her body was burned. She is disfigured, particularly on her face, for life. First, its incredible that she has a husband who not only stayed with her, but was completely wonderful through the whole ordeal. Second, at the end of the book (which made me bawl like every chapter) she talks about how beauty is only skin deep and there are so many things in life and in this world to be grateful for.

It sounds so cliche, but her message touched me to my core. I can admit that even though I am fat, I am still beautiful. Some people think that thin=beautiful and that's it.

I don't want to buy that anymore. I DO want to be at a weight that is happy for me. But I genuinely, with all my heart, everything that is in me and beyond me, want to just rest in who I am.

I didn't like what I saw in that teaching video. If I was just looking at my appearance.

BUT. Videos make you look worse than you are in pictures anyways... I was not wearing the best jacket for the situation. And I'm a GREAT teacher. I really am. The fact that I am where I am after two years of teaching only is amazing.

I have an awesome heart. I am a talented individual. I AM beautiful in more ways than one. And I am fat, but I am working on that and will probably continue til I am satisfied or until I die.

In the meantime... I have so so so much to offer the world. My heart is overflowing with it. I WOULD like to win that competition on Saturday. But more than that, I want to move people with my song. And the song of my life as well.

Almost as if an answer to prayer I lost 2 lbs, not gained, and I had no desire to eat. I drank way too much though. Listening to my body is going good though.

I still want to be loved unconditionally.

I still am horny as hell and would like to be in a situation with a person I can trust infinitely so I can remedy that....

My friend Elise is with a man who started having sex with her, and realized the value of waiting, so they stopped. They lived together and somehow they are managing to not have sex while they wait for the wedding for about 6 more weeks. This waiting has been going on for months now. You can believe that its hard to believe, but I hang out with them all the time and I believe them. Wonderful amazing beautiful people who love me for me. Loving me for me doesn't happen that often these days, or at least it feels so... To have friends that love me for me when my own family can't is a big deal.

I am singing in their wedding. I am ecstatic.

Can I be with a man who loves me for me, wants to wait to have sex (all of it, not just intercourse) and won't leave me once he marries me? I promise to be a kinky bitch once I'm married... believe me I am in my heart. I just NEED to know that he will stay with me.

Am I crazy? Can this be found? Can I have a hot hipstery husband with facial hair even though I am not perfect and won't put out until after we're married?

And even more, do you think maybe I could have a husband who love Jesus and helps me do the same?? I am having a hard time doing so, even though I want to desperately.

Can I have all those things even though I'm standing here waiting for them? Waiting is grievous to me, but wait I do. I can't do intimacy or vulnerability with ANYONE until I am sure. In the meantime my single loneliness is teaching me some beautiful things....

Dudes. I'm about to start starving myself again. Tempted. Really. I'd throw up to my hearts content (pun intended or not intended, I'm not really sure) but I can never go back to that if I am to keep singing and making progress.

Part of me really wants to just accept myself as I am. And part of me believes that I am just going to keep gaining which is the antithesis to accepting myself as I am in the long run. Its just going to make it worse.

I keep wondering to myself, if I never gained or lost another pound, if I could stay this exact size forever and ever, could I be ok with that? I think the answer is yes. If I gained another 5 lbs, I think the answer would still be yes. If I gained 20 lbs? I think I would like the answer to be yes, but I don't think it could be.

I am really trying to do the deep and genuine work of accepting. I really, really, really am. I don't know how to do this. At all.

What I can say is that I genuinely love my life more than I ever have before, at any point in my entire life. I have only to look around me and I find excuses to be grateful, and to allow joy to bubble up inside me. There are times when I don't believe in God anymore, but then this joy bubbles up inside me, but its not coming from inside. Its like its being thrown at me from some external source.... Its kinda weird. But no matter how much I want not to believe in God anymore, I really do want to believe. I can't explain it. And even though there are things I would like to be different, and even though I have so much more to accomplish in my life, I don't want to lose or ignore what I have and what is beautiful in this moment, this milisecond of my life.

I used to pray that God would make me not be fat anymore. That didn't really work. Maybe God doesn't ever work the way we think, if he even exists in the way we think at all... I know that something in this universe is real, and that love has something to do with it. And I want to know what that's about. And I also know that there's something in me that just won't let me walk away from Jesus, no matter how much I desperately want to. I wish I had more answers.

So I was thinking. God didn't answer my prayers, ever, about being fat. I'm still fat. I really am. You can be nice and try to tell me I'm not, but I am. But can I accept myself the way I am? Fat and all? I'm getting there. It takes work, but its a work I am willing to struggle and trudge and claw my way through. So maybe loving myself for who I am is a much better gift than making me thin? I think so. Accepting myself the way I am? I can so do that. I'm right on the edge of it, about to fall back, but I think I could stay here. But accept myself at a fatter weight? No, its too painful.

I feel like I can't regulate, can't trust myself to stay here (even though the obvious answer is that I really don't WANT to stay here, even though I could. I still WANT to be thinner, but I realize the value of everything I am right now and that I am not defined by my size). The problem is always for me, has always been, that I can do destructive, miserable things and lower my weight, or I can eat "normally" and just keep gaining forever.

I don't really know what to do. I don't really know how to be, who to be. I really want to be an opera singer and a teacher and love God, and either be ok with exactly how I am or keep getting thinner.

And I really want to be loved by a man and have beautiful children that I can love unconditionally.

I can be who I am now, I think... I'm trying so so so so hard. But I can't get fatter and keep this optimism up. And I can't starve or purge or do anything and keep this optimism up.

And on top of that, I am trying to listen to my body, only eat when I'm genuinely hungry, eat only good things, etc. What if its not enough?

I gained weight :( AGAIN. More weight. It's one thing to accept yourself the way you are. It's another to let yourself go. I've done a good job of learning to accept myself. Project eat healthy and make good choices and keep up with my running: GO!

Some of my drama is slightly subsided, and some it has relaxed only because I have done what I need to do to be kind to people that are not always kind to me. One of my friends wrote me an email stating her greivances against me. It kind of blindsided me. It hurt. But I wrote her back and just said that I didn't realize I was offending her (I thought in the particular action that I was being kind) and that I would never offend her on purpose, that I was sorry and would she forgive me. Ironically she wrote me back and said it was all good. Ironic, considering I was stressing.

Reminds me of that Proverb, "A gentle word turns away wrath." I don't know exactly where it is, but I try really hard to practice that. You can argue with people... and sometimes you SHOULD pick your battles, but most of the time its best to just be gentle and apologize. I've learned that in teaching--when I offend parents, I should always have a listening ear and a gentle response. It doesn't mean I have to ever give people the satisfaction of being right, it just means I have to care about their feelings in the situation.

Today I spent part of the day with a friend that loves me for me, and I also bought birthday presents for my parents (yeah, the ones that aren't talking to me/don't treat me well/hurt me a lot), my roommate whose nerves I've been getting on, and etc. I am trying really hard to be a loving person and friend...

Actually, here's the thing. By nature I AM a loving person and friend, but I am not always gentle or soft spoken. I say what I think. That pisses people off sometimes. I want to be who I am with ease, all the time. I don't want to piss people off. There's a problem that lies somewhere between those two :(

I'll be fine. Maneuvering life is complicated sometimes. It just so happens that a lot of relational shit hit me at once the past few weeks, all while I'm trying to maneuver being completely happy with myself (a very hard and dirty job!) and being okay with being single and fine with it while I'm desperately lonely. I'm gonna be fine. I am a loving person who gets dealt a shit hand sometimes, just like we all do.

Can you tell I'm a little tipsy while I'm writing this?!? Trying to enjoy spring break-ness for the little that I have left...

My thought a little while ago was to eat good, since I won't be eating for awhile, but that is an old, old habit I don't want anymore. Its that "i'll start tomorrow" attitude I've had for a while. I remember in high school eating to the point of throwing up intentionally so that I would be sated and wouldn't have to eat the next day, while effectively throwing up what I was eating at that time.

I don't want to be that person again, ever. I don't mind being pudgy. I would like to be less pudgy than I am. Twenty pounds ago I really liked who I was. I am trying to like who I am now, but I know I need to be very mindful of my eating from a very healthy perspective.

I have been avoiding gluten for a while... I don't really get sick from it, but it keeps inflammation down to avoid it. Today I had the thought that really, if I'm truly doing it for health reasons (I'm doing it for singing reasons too) I should avoid carbs altogether. I can do that now. I'm not so crazy desperate now. I DO want to do things that help me appreciate myself. I am a little afeared of this month coming up... but I CAN DO THIS! And I belive, in this journey that I am in, that as I learn to eat healthy out of self-love, and as I learn to listen to my body, that I will lose weight naturally. Not quickly, but eventually. I really do believe this.

I can love myself. My horny, horny self... And one day a lovely man will come along and love me the way I am... and take care of that horny part of me :) (I warned you... tipsy, and very honest even when I'm not!) I believe what I am saying. I hold to it, because I don't know what else to do!

I've been doing a lot of *sober* thinking tonight. I'm too tired to say it all, but ill try. I am trying to love myself, but I do think I need to be more aware of my eating. Can I love myself at any size? At this size? I'm trying. I read somewhere recently that posture is 50 percent of your state of mind. I try sometimes to practice that...

I am in a sad place tonight. I want to just be myself and live people and be loved, let it flow organically... But I am kind of too abrasive. I guess I don't show love as easily or well as I'd like. I think I have a offended a couple of my friends lately... That's neither here nor there, I think I can handle that with an apology.

But Jesus... My parentals. Both of them. They are just not the kind of people who loved me freely and unconditionally in my formative years. God bless them, they just don't know how. They really don't. My dad has a rough time with his parents... I think early on he felt some kind of rejection from his mother. He rejects her a lot now, because of it. More complicated than I understand, I'm sure. And I'm almost certain my mother was sexually abused in some way by my grandfather, and later date raped... That has caused her a lifetime of fuckedupness. Here's the problem. Even though my parents aren't capable of loving or accepting me the way I am, I really want to do that for them. If they could feel loved by me, certainly that wouldn't fix everything, but what a difference it would make for them. Have either of them ever felt that from anyone before? Maybe my Dad has on occasion--his wife is awesome. But I know he needs it from me the same way I crave it from him. The plain and simple truth is that I am not going to get it from him. He is not going to freely give that to me... But can I give it to him?? I want to. I want to do that for them, but I'm not sure I know how to lavish love on my parents in ways that are meaningful and not painful to me.

Maybe love means pain. Really, maybe it does. Maybe loving them means putting myself aside even though I hate it and it hurts. I am so desperately lonely (it could just be hormones...) and want to have it lavished on me. But I can't sit around waiting for that. Maybe the secret of life and love is lavishing first and then hopefully getting a return on that. You know, better to give than receive. Somehow the thought of not getting my needs met rises up inside me and is threatening to choke me and suffocate me, to kill my spirit from the inside out. But that's only when I think about it as self denial.

Even now I'm asking myself if I can make space for my sorrow. I think I can. Both loving me and sad me can coexist together. I have permission to be sad and I also have the strength not to act out of that sadness, but from somewhere else. I'm not sure I know the first thing about loving people, but I'm gonna try. Really, really try.

I still desperately want to be accepted and loved, but I can't sit around waiting for it like a shell of a human being. In the meantime I'm going to keep living and trying and loving. And maybe it will work out.

The whole self acceptance thing is going okay... I had such a tough afternoon with it. I was alone. Sometimes, very seldom, but sometimes, alone is good. I had already made up my mind not to be alone today, so alone was not good today. I was having such a hard time, so I took a walk down the path near Colorado Ave, laid down under the Boulder sky, and listened to the sweet sounds of Frank Sinatra across from a little pond near the Boulder Creek path... at least until I felt neutral enough that I didn't hate myself utterly.

I drank a whole bottle of wine tonight... I ate really well before/during.

Drinking alone is not supposed to be a good thing, but I am usually really responsible with it... Believe it or not.

Lets check this self acceptance thing out, I've been practicing it for a while... Going to weigh myself now... remember, I'm a little teensy weensy bit drunk. Impressively less than if I had not eaten while drinking, which I usually don't...BRB.

.................

It's a Christmas Miracle. Since this whole self acceptance thing and 'eating what I want and being okay with it' I haven't gained. But I haven't really lost either. I'm at an impasse. I saw pics on facebook of my friend who is beautiful and married to a wonderful hipstery guy... Goddammit why can't I be married to a wonderful hipstery guy?! Maybe one day... Maybe because I don't wanna be married yet... But I'm so desperately lonely. I'm so desperately wanting to be accepted for the way that I am. I wish that I had started this process when I weight 20 lbs less. Really. But if I can accept myself the way I am, theoretically, someone else really wonderful can, right?!

But why don't hipstery guys even want to date me? I'm pretty cute. But I'm fat. Hipstery Boulder guys don't wanna date me because I'm fat. Awkward guys that are ALMOST hipstery sort of want to date me, but its all confusing. More awesome guys in Boulder would wanna date me if I was thinner.

Oh, and if I put out, which I don't. I'm a freak... 25 years old and a virgin?!? FREAK. And whats more, I don't want to put out. I want someone to love me enough to understand that I can't be that vulnerable til they love me and show it. In Boulder? I'm not gonna find someone who understands. Well... Maybe. I hope. And maybe the thing is I don't plan to be in Boulder forever. Ugh... I just can't be that vulnerable til I'm sure.

I want to be loved. Desperately. I am desperate to be loved, and I want to be loved desperately by someone. This is coming from someone who's own mother can't love me. I mean, I know its cause she can't love herself... My mom has her own issues. So does my Dad. I'm sad. I wrote him my SECOND long email of late... he hasn't talked to me since the beginning of December :*( He's mad because I'm more liberal than he is. My entire family thinks I'm a lesbian. Which is fucking ironic because I definitley want to be with men... and given how virginal I am....

UGH. COMMENCE RAW FOODS DIET TOMMORROW. I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF, BUT I NEED TO BE THIN FIRST. :(

So so so struggling with self-acceptance. I really want to just accept myself with fat and imperfections and just be okay with who I am... Who I Am Right Now Is Okay.

Its difficult. I had a great night with friends. I ate everything they ate. We walked home in the snow. And we ate more. Ugh. Its hard to accept myself. I thought about going for another walk at 11:30 pm, because I was so anxious about what I ate and how fat I am. But I am not going to do that. I am going to accept who I am right now. And be healthy me tomorrow, which has nothing to do with thinness. And I'm going to get up at a reasonable time to go for a walk (its impossible to go for a real run in this weather...) and eat what my body wants, and not be an emotional eater. K? K.

And I am okay the way that I am. Who I am right now is okay. Even if I didn't change a thing.

I'm not doing so good. And I'm soooo tired. Lets hope for a better tomorrow. I can do it!

Haven't wanted to throw up in a long time... I do right now. I'm not going to.

The past few days have not been good. Better tomorrow.

So. Today went not so good. 1700 calories. Oops. Damned almonds. If it weren't for those, I probably would be right at or under. Yesterday I was like 40 cals over. The day before that I was like 500 cals under, because I went to bed way way early.

This morning I was three lbs down. We'll see what happens when I get home, if I can love myself and be nice to myself while I"m here, maybe I'll have a pleasant result at home... I"m in Colorado Springs for a work conference, and I can never rely on the scale here. If I am being realistic, which I am trying to be... even maintenance would be good news between now and Saturday, I guess. I'm being nice to myself. I'm being nice to myself. I'm eating healthy and not eating emotionally because I like myself I'm being nice to myself.

Kazehana-- Me and my friend aren't really competitive, but she does push me to be better. We went to college together and I hated her then because she was so much better than me. I think the bottom line is that she isn't really more talented, she's just had some easier breaks in life than I have, like parents paying for college, etc. I had a hard life in college, so I didn't make as much vocal progress as I could have. Even now its hard because I work full time as a teacher and its hard to stay vocally healthy and still practice at the end of a day. And as much as I'd like to fly the coop and just risk everything to audition for stuff all over the country like she is, I am in much, much more debt than she is. And opera singing is soooo competitive. We'll see what happens with me, but the reality that I've accepted is that its unlikely I'll ever sing full time like I'd want. Maybe I haven't accepted that yet, actually. My therapist this summer left me with some parting words to get into my vocabulary "I accept, and..." So I accept that it will be very difficult and unlikely that I'm ever a full time opera singer... AND I know that I will always work hard to take the opportunities I can get, to continue to work on my voice diligently, to take every audition and competition opportunity that is reasonably (or maybe even unreasonably on rare occasion) possible, AND I plan to do some mainstage work as a lead at several different companies, be they local or otherwise... this is not negotiable, I"m GOING to do this, AND I plan to develop significantly as a pedagogue, and to eventually be a college professor in voice, while continuing to perform!

Thanks for listening to my mission statement for myself :)

Kazehana, why don't we just meet for coffee or something? I'm not gonna be at a weight where I'm okay with it between now and maybe ever, and you might judge me, but if I am being nice to myself, maybe I won't judge myself. K?

I've been doing good on my eating the past couple days. I lost two lbs, but I won't tell you from what weight because I'm embarassed. And Kazehana, I've been staying within 1200 cals, even!

Good job me.

And I've even had some moments where I wanted to mess things up out of anxiety, but I didn't. Not because I want to be skinny, but because I am denying myself the crutch of attaching food and emotions. If I feel inadequate that won't go away by eating. And if I'm gonna eat (I had a mini binge on some dark chocolate almonds but I still stayed within calories... lots of antioxidants and good fats, right?) then I need to savor it and make it a mindfulness exercise. I was able to stop myself mid mouthful and do that today. Go me.

A song and composer that I'm obsessed with.

http://youtu.be/--shQOCuskQ



Today wasn't awful, but it wasn't great either. Just eh. I feel really fat. But Kazehana is right... I'm gonna try to be healthy about this...

I have to give up coffee for a while :( Giving me so many vocal problems.

I'm so sleepy... goodnight.

I realized I should have a plan for tomorrow:

Weigh first thing... even if I don't like the result

Almonds and coffee. No coffee the rest of the day after that.

Lots of water!

Salad for dinner.

Listening to my body and eating only when I am hungry, but only eating things that will have nutritional value to me.

No carbs.

Oh, and committing to writing everyday. And counting calories. That will help.

Things are not going so well. I feel I'm getting fatter and fatter.

Part of the reason is that I've had an awful week for vocal health, so I have been drinking a lot of pineapple and apple juice, which is good for your voice. But horribly sugary.

Also, I've had a friend in town so I've just been eating with her, feeling like I have a little less control over my food. Even though that's just an excuse.

She leaves Sunday. When she goes, I need to be hardcore about being low carb. And running again. And I'm thinking about alcohol on weekends only, and coffee only first thing.

Things are getting bad :(

And my voice has been shit :(

K-- So happy you love my blog and still read. Makes me happy. No idea how to change the view though :(

Kazehana--"Z" has nothing to do with my real name...hah. Not even close. Ask me again in two weeks. Also, go to this link in order to get 10 bucks off your tickets. http://www.operacolorado.org/curious/
You should get them soon because apparently the price has already been going up. A lot of people like this opera, it could even be sold out eventually.

As for my name, and/or meeting up, maybe. Probably. I'm leaning towards the probably. Ask me again in a couple weeks, and I'll probably say yes to coffee.


Today I tried super hard to be nice to myself and my body. I think that for today I did ok. And I ate decently (although pretty bad yesterday) and I feel good even though I'm exhausted.

I read this article in elephant journal about "trusting your body's infinite wisdom." I'm also reading this book Women Food and God. Kind of about the same thing... dealing with your emotional problems and worldviews instead of turning to food. And listening to your body. I realize that I can't just eat whatever the hell I want, but I can eat good things and treat myself nicely. So little by little I am trying to treat myself nicely.


One day at a a time.



You may not hear from me much this week... got a friend coming into town to audition for CU and CSU. Hope she gets in!

Today was my first opera rehearsal. Went really well. Despite the fact that I had a crappy voice lesson yesterday. Guess I just had an off day.

I'm officially back on a low carb diet. I tried it over the summer and lost like 10 lbs pretty fast. I stopped because it got really hard to do, but mostly because I was diagnosed with acid reflux, and I was already so restrictive with my diet that I couldn't handle it anymore. While I figured out what things were triggering my acid reflux I needed to cut more things out, and I couldn't do it. I had already been so super strict with my diet that I couldn't bear it. Now I am doing a little better with it, so I think I can handle the juggling of it all.

The reality of my life right now is that I have to allow myself to eat or I'm gonna go crazy. But I have to lose. I HAVE TO. I've suspected for sometime now that I'm insulin resistant (those problems run in my family, ugggghhh) because even when I'm restricting hardcore I don't lose, or the loss is pretty insignificant, if I'm eating carbs.

And the other thing, that cutting alcohol completely out of my life is really hard. I really only drink when I go out or am with friends, so just a few drinks a week... but I enjoy drinking when I do. So just being choosy about it is good. I went a stint this summer without coffee as well, and that was good, but it only lasted about 3 weeks... My life in its current state, there is no way I can go without it. (But I probably should cut down...)

Today I ate like 6 hard boiled eggs (throughout the day)... I made egg salad with them. That was pretty good and yummy. I had a good amount of coffee. I had some chicken later this evening. I had a glass of wine and a coors light while watching the game. And I don't hate myself for those things. I feel like I should be disgusted about the mayo in my eggs. But I'm not. The only thing that disgusts me is being fat. And the reality is that I am bulimic at heart, but being bulimic is not an option anymore. And I can't restrict the way I did when I was a teenager... I've got way too much at stake to be lethargic and not get things done. Lethargy is what happens when I don't eat or eat ridiculously low amounts. And I hate that scary shaky feeling I get after throwing up, too.

And I've got some legitimate health concerns that support going low carb. So we'll see how this goes (again).



In other news, it just amazes me how people in my life appreciate me for who I am, and genuinely support the idea that there really isn't anything wrong with me. Like even though I am chubby, some people like me that way and think I'm really cute, and sometimes guys even wanna date me. Despite what I don't like about myself including my looks. And I don't want this to be license to just be fat, because I don't think that at all. But if I could somehow find a way to be more self-accepting... sometimes I am in that place, a really good place, largely due to the therapy I did this summer.

The major question I ask myself in lieu of all that... why does my Dad still think I am a dreadful person? Why is nothing I do ever enough for him? How is it that I have accomplished many great things in my young life, I am a productive person, good at my profession... not perfect, and I have my weaknesses, but I certainly handle them like an adult. I have severed him from having any financial responsibility for me a looooong time ago. And yet, my Dad is still always harping on me about money and being fat. Two aspects of my life that have absolutely nothing to do with him. And lately he even hates my views on politics, God help me. The best I've been able to expect from him lately is no contact at all. He hasn't been talking to me. The latest is because I posted a thing on facebook supporting gay marriage (my dad is really, reeeeeaaaallly conservative despite not really being that religious).

Why does he still think I'm so dreadful? Why can't I ever do enough to please him? I know its because he isn't happy with himself. But the little girl inside me will always be asking why I can't earn his love.

I'm afraid to step on the scale. Two days in a row of almonda and coffee all day long, to be followed by a big dinner.

That was my plan right??

I suppose I would be happy if it was a controlled healthy dinner, but its the result of celebrations and bdays, and therefore shitty (but delish) food. And beer. Damn it, I love beer.

Well.... I'm in control of my days... right?

I hate how quickly almonds and coffee add up, even when you drink the skinny version of the latte and rely on 100 calorie packs.

Went to my costume fitting. Nothing says insecurity about your fat body quicker than literally having every imaginable measurement taken... times two. Literally take every measurement you could possibly think of and double it and that's how many places they measured. Ugh :(

I look dreadfully fat in my costumes, but I'm trying not to think about it.... They are costumes. I am onstage. It won't matter. I'm in the chorus anyways. There is so much fabric wrapped around me, anyone would not look great.

Who am I kidding? I'm huge. No really. I am. I am so short that the weight I carry is dreadful.

One day at a time....................


Kazehana... I'm in every show of Figaro except for the daytime Student Matinee. But all the mainstage regular shows, I'm in all of them. When it gets closer to time I'll think about whether we should meet face to face or whether I should keep my anonymity and let you figure it out, or some compromise between the two of those. Honestly, I'm a super outgoing person and would probably meet you if it weren't for my insecurities about my body. This might be the only forum I have where I can say whatever I need to say about it (I couldn't even talk about it with a therapist, still can't, even with ones I like and trust... Might also have something to do with the fact that my therapist is a man, and that's a whole nother issue tied in... But can't talk about it in therapy anyways) and you are a great support... and for all my losing and gaining and trying to take it one day at a time... I'm fat. Not by crazy standards, by normal people standards. So I'll think about it, but I just dunno if I can. Confronting that... letting myself be honest on here AND in person with someone about myself... Well that's letting you in to the deepest part of myself that I can't confront...

But I like you. So we'll see.

So do you wanna hear a kind of psychotic oxymoron?

Well, let me explain. So I did great today. Only almonds and coffee. One of my friends did a big favor for me today, so I took her out to dinner as a thank you. Dinner, margaritas and dessert. Yup.

Tomorrow is my fitting for my opera costume... I'm singing in the chorus with Opera Colorado. Yeah.

And guess what I thought about doing to my dinner. Yeah, you guessed it. Thought hard about throwing it up. Obviously didn't. But what I would give to find a way to be thinner before that fitting tomorrow!

So you do see the irony in wanting to purge (thus fucking up my voice) in order to be skinnier for an opera costume... Yeah.



One day at a time girls... and war with myself. Because me being fat is getting worse and I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. But I won't, can't, refuse to do it by purging.

I am a blimp. This is out of control. Must gain control. This "there is nothing wrong with me" shit is just that: pure shit. In the meantime I accept myself and continue getting fatter and fatter. This means war.

Today I went salsa dancing and legit burned 600+ calories. We'll say 600. And I walked 40 mins to school, so thats another 125.

For dinner I had about 500 cals--small chicken caesar salad and this chicken soup that was amazing from San Fransisco Soup Co. So good, one of my new go to places!

During the day I had a 100 cal pack of almonds, a bag of pretzels, a few chocolate covered cranberries, and a granola bar and some little odds and ends. Prolly 500-600 cals. Not really my best day, but considering I burned over 700 cals, I think I'll survive.

Same plan tomorrow. Eat very light during the day (coffee and almonds) and eat a good but healthy dinner.

Well, today I ate probably at least 1200. I ate 200 cals worth of almonds, some munchies in the teacher work room :(, drank some gatorade and coffee, and then I had about 450 worth of salad and soup for dinner. I ate way more than I intended.

However, I ran my ass off tonight, and I did yoga. I burned 428 cals just running alone! And then I burned around 120 cals doing yoga... Normally it'd be more but did some heavy pranayama (breathing exercises) today, so less movement. Anyways, if I had a higher than expected eating day, at least I can be happy that I burned half of it off. So I guess my net intake is around 600 for the day AND I am closer to gaining muscle. That I can be happy with :)

I realized today (and the reason I ate well at dinner) is that I'm restricting too much which is why I fail miserably. I've been a little food obsessed. I decided (and I know some of you will bitch that this isn't healthy, but we all try what we need to try) that if I can stick to around 300-400 cals including coffee during the day, I can eat a "hearty" salad at night, as long as I avoid carbs. That I can handle.

Anyways, I guess in the end I'm sort of pleased with today.

Oh my stars. I got wasted on NYE, without meaning to. It happens I guess. I had too much fun. NYE 2012, I'm staying home to knit and going to bed at 9.


Probably not, but geez. Glad to leave that shit in 2011 where it belongs!

I ate too much shit the past couple days because I had a house guess who is a BFF of mine. I'm gonna let it go and not freak out.

Plan tomorrow: almonds and coffee for breakfast. salad for lunch... I have to go back to work tomorrow and I agreed to have lunch with a friend. So salad. Almonds for dinner. 100 calorie packs of almonds are my savior.

For snacks... Dill pickles. They have zero calories, you know.

And coffee.

And yoga and running tomorrow night.

Here's to a self-disciplined third day of 2012.