Today I had somewhere in the range of 300-350 cals. That may be a little generous, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. I burned around 700ish? Walked 2 miles for an hour this morning with the fam, and then I went by myself for an hour and a half this eve. I "sprinted" several times... I tried really hard. Obviously more like jogging.

This morning I had 2ish cups of coffee which amounted to a full cup of 2 percent. Then I had 2 whole pieces of toast w/ immodium because my stomach was sooo upset. My Dad had something yesterday, but it may have been all that coffee on little sleep and an empty stomach... Don't know. Then for lunch we ate arroz con pollo at my grandparents and I literally just barely nibbled. Maybe 50 cals at best. I got to sample gin and brandy, just to know what they taste like. I got zonked off one martini the other night because I just don't have enough food in me to absorb anything these days, so I thought it better to avoid...

Didn't have any dinner at all. I had a diet coke at lunch and it gave me the jitters, so I took a Vitamin B along with it to have energy for my walk.

I. am. so. hungry. My hunger pains are so uncomfortably bad. I've been pretty nauseous today. I am feeling like I'm not losing and I'm scared. If I didn't lose a considerable amount of weight after all this pain, I swear to God I don't know what I will do. Maybe I am just bloated????? I still look terrible. I don't know what to do. Then again, maybe I won't start to look good to myself until I've lost like 40 lbs. I'm pretty huge. A fat ass. HUGE. I mean, I needed to lose 25 lbs to be what "huge" was to me before. Ugggghhh.

I can do this. I am the most determined girl ever. Seriously.

I'm getting to that deep place where all I want in my life right now is to be thin. It is a deep, deep place. I really am starting to believe that I can't have anything else unless I have this. It's a sad place. Two of my friends that have been "close" but not in a relationship for like 3 years are finally about to be in that place. I really believe that they might get married. And there is a stinging part of me that envies them. She is so beautiful. Beyond words. In every way. And I don't think she tries that hard. I know her well enough to know she is just naturally beautiful.

And here I am starving myself silly and crazy, and I'm afraid its not working. That my metabolism may come to a screeching halt. Not that it was amazing to begin with. Now the solution might be to go to a doctor and have him check my thyroid function, because it must be crap... but as of 2 weeks ago, I am no longer insured.

I dunno. Maybe its the 2 rainy days in a row, and the complications of my life, and the fact that my car transmission is starting to go bad and I have no money and I don't know a lot of things right now.

The last time I did this "extreme diet" thing, I was really depressed, and I lost sight of who I am, and who I know God to be in my life. I guess regardless, I still trust Him and know it will all work out. And I'm thankful for all that I have. I know when the time comes for this car issue, He really will work it out. Its amazing how he bears with me through these weight issues and my (at times) lack of respect for myself and etc. But devoid of being one of those sickening church girls, I really do love Him and trust Him. That's it. Nothing hypocritical about that... simple. Glad I have some hope. and I'm still gonna get skinny. I really will.

Smaller... but

still. fat. ugh.

I really must have let this get out of hand. Slowly but surely I will get control of this again. Got to. Can't make it in this world if I don't.

I've eaten about 80 cals today. 2 whole wheat pancakes about 3 in in diameter. And I took a diet pill with them. Good for me.

I looked in the mirror before I consumed anything today, and I really am getting smaller! Too bad its not enough. Still fat. But getting closer everyday! Looking forward to my fasting day (hopefully) on travel day in 2 days.

I was looking at pics of people from college, and let me just tell you, the beautiful people stick together. Its true, so true. Soon I will be one of them. I will look good in their pictures with them.

I can't wait til I am thin so I can buy the most amazing audition dress. I want it to be so classy. I saw a pic of my friend's audition dress and it was great. Looking forward. Maybe I can be 160 by Colorado audition time! I'm starting to look it!!! :)

***

I found old pics of my Dad's that I transferred onto my computer. Saw some pics of me sophomore, junior year and right after I graduated. Shit! I was so good looking. I could look like that again. 160 will still be huge, but I gotta go at it a little at a time... There are pics from me sophomore year, at my all time low of 117, and I look so so soooo thin! I mean, I could definitely be thinner, but I was pretty darn thin. I WILL be there again. I just can't believe I had that and I let other things slip through my fingers. But maybe it was good since I got my life together and I became something. Now I can be something and be thin at the same time-- I know how to do this and I'm going to. The best thinspiration has to be pics of yourself. I know what I'm gonna look like! Score! Looking forward to it. I wonder if I can keep it at just over 100 today?? Then there's just tomorrow and fasting day on travel day!!! Woo hoo!

I. am. so. hungry. :( I'm gonna try to sleep now. Hopefully when I wake in the morning, that cup of coffee will suffice. Somedays I feel normal... for a while. and sometimes I can feel ana's claws in my brain. And there's nothing I can do to stop it. Nothing else works. Trust me.

***

All I want is to be RESPECTED. I want to feel like my work was worth something. Apparently you can't have that unless you are thin and beautiful. So I will do that. I will. I will have respect. I won't be treated like I'm nobody just because I'm not cute. Seriously. That's over. I JUST WANT YOUR RESPECT!!!! I just want you to believe in me... be proud of me. Please be proud of me. Please see inside this shell.

I can't get anybody to listen unless I make the shell look right. Inner beauty doesn't count unless you've got it on the outside too. I see that. So I will make it happen. Because I have to be heard.

What the hell???? I am craving mayonaise like CRAZY!!! I know its because of that stupid sandwich that I threw away-- the one my stepmom made me this morning. It had mayo all over it. I got just barely a taste bc of the lettuce I ate off of it. Sick.

Its probably just because my body is craving fats and proteins. Although I have had it the two days before this. Hm. Oh well. I am gonna get something to drink, chew on ice and it will be forgotten in the morning.

I looked in the mirror and I feel soooo large :( Soon... soon. I will really start to look like I'm losing weight soon. Remember what I said about blobs just looking like blobs... yeah. Its gonna take blob awhile to go from huge blob to smaller blob to finally having some semblance of shape. Ugh. Must. lose. NOW.

Hunger is a good thing. A beautiful thing!

I was having a craving, but I ignored it and I stayed on, reading people's blogs. Craving passed, still hungry! Yay!

This morning we walked like normal, probably for around an hour. Then we walked around Old San Juan pretty much all day long. I said we walked slowly for 3 hours, as an estimate, though some of it was strolling only, and it was for more hours. Anyways, I should have burned in the neighborhood of 700 calories with the walking around today.

Today was a 220 cal day, but I splurged on my very first pomegranate martini. Drank it before the meal of which I had only lettuce and tomato salad with balsamic vinagrette. I got fairly tipsy... and in front of my Dad, yikes... but my bro said I acted pretty normal besides being happy. Let me just tell you that lettuce doesn't absorb alcohol real well, esp when you already had an empty stomach. I love that feeling of floating away. I am starting to like alcohol probably more than I should. The good news is, I never really have an opportunity to get more than tipsy, and usually if I do I don't really want to. Let me just say that I get really horny when I have alcohol though. Probably everyone does, I guess.

Anyways, that brings todays total to 464 if I calculated at least close to right. I feel like I should round up to 500, but if my exercise was in the 700's anyways... I guess that makes it like -200. Hopefully. I wish I could enjoy and get the effects of alcohol without the calories. Thank God I don't like beer that much.

I'm still really afraid that I'm going to get home and not have lost anything. That can't be true, though I need to lay off the martini's. Sometime soon I want to have the liberty of getting just slightly drunk, but I guess that will wait til I get home... I looked a little better in all my pics today when we were out, but I'm still huge :(

I almost forgot! Today for brunch, after out walk, my stepmom made me a steak sandwich. And I ate the tomato and lettuce out of it and wrapped it up in a bag and hid it to be thrown away later. Part of me feels exhilarated, and the other part of me wants to eat it now. I will get rid of it tonight when everyone, or at least the parents are sleeping... This is terrible, but yay for getting away with lying about food!

The saddest part about this whole thing is that my Dad can't bring me into a room and say, "this is my daughter, isn't she beautiful?" No, instead he gets the fatso. I can do EVERYTHING else in the world, but I am a fatso, and so I am embarrassing. It doesn't matter how talented i am. The world doesn't care what you have if you don't have a pretty package to put it in. Don't worry Dad. By this summer I won't be such a disgusting disappointment if you have me back...

I am so so hungry that I'm getting that heartburnish knot I get when my stomach is utterly empty. But I wouldn't mess up my 200 calorie day for the world. No way no how.

God, I hope I have lost weight when I get to weigh at home. I will hate myself if I didn't. I might have to start cutting or something (I probably never could bring myself to, actually). But I just don't know what to do if the weight doesn't start coming off. I'm getting weary of no results. I think traveling day would be a GREAT fasting day... Liquids/ coffee only? And even then I need to monitor my caloric intake of liquids. I'm only allowing them because I wouldn't wanna pass out or anything.

Yay for my first day of fasting. I'm gonna have to start this ABC thing everyone else does when I get home, because apparently you can lose a lb a day. That would be amazing. Man, if I lost the 15 I'm hoping I have (total) plus around 20 lbs. on ABC, I'd be...160, i guess. Good enough... better than I've been in a loooong time!

Here's to being less fat!

Today I ate 2 egg whites, a piece of ham, had some coffee with 4 oz of 2 percent milk, about a teaspoon of cranberries, and then a lettuce/tomato/onion salad with two and a half tbsp of A-1 as the dressing (that part was yummy).

Approximately 300 cals, my most recent low.

***

Actually, even if I count the calories from the fresh veggies, its like 219 :D

Happy about this. Pretty much I'm going to start using A-1 as my dressing bc its low cal and yummy. Also, dried cranberries, if you feel like you will pass out and you just eat a few, will hold you over. For 1/3 cup its like 130 cals, but I had about a teaspoon worth and it was only 7 cals! It definitely held me over so I wouldn't get sick!

I didn't work out today because i slept right through my alarm. Suck. But my eating was the best it has been, and I got away with it! I think I am going to try the salad trick again tomorrow and see if I can get away with it. Yesss!

I am really happy about how I did today, but I am pretty pissed about how fat I still am. I have this raging fear in my head that I won't have lost weight, or I will have lost a ridiculously little amount while here. Seriously, if I lost less than 10, something is seriously wrong with me and I might be fat forever. I am working soooooo so hard. I hope that's not the case... I would kill to be in the 160's by Colorado. Then I wouldn't be so putrid and they might take me somewhat seriously... I have pictures of me around that weight, and in most pics, I can sort of stand the sight of myself... kinda.

It really hit me today, again, how disgusting I am. We have been shopping a couple of times this week, and it really really really is pointless to try to buy clothes or even to look cute in what you have unless you are thin. I look horrible in everything no matter how hard I try. I am pretty sure i will not start wearing makeup again until I can look decent in my clothes. Seriously.

Stole this from blue butterfly:

"Eating is a primitive impulse embedded in our psyche when man had to hunt for his food so naturally, he ate whatever and whenever he hunted. If he wanted to eat, he had to work for it i.e hunt and so he deserved to eat. You, on the other hand, do not deserve to eat unless you have expended the amount of calories that you are going to consume."

Love that!

Yesterday I commenced lying about food and how I felt so I could get out of eating. My stepmom bought us yummy fried puertorican food, the kind that's best when you get it on the side of the road. I stuffed it in my bag to throw away later. Later, when we ate hamburgers right before hiking, I only ate the lettuce and tomato with the excuse that I was still carsick from the trip and that we had just eaten. When no one was looking I chucked the other food I had hidden in my bag. I had a handful of dried cranberries after burning almost 700 calories on the hike... mostly because I was getting to that point of woozy desperation. I felt embarrased because my pace was so slow on the hike-- the incline was so high! It proved what a fatass I am. :(

Today I started to eat the egg, ham and cheese english muffin my stepmom made. I ate about half of it and threw away everything except the muffin. Saved my caloric intake a ton! I was too far in to stop eating it, but at least I didnt eat everything. I got away with not eating anything else except a couple bites of dinner for the facade because I went running while everyone was eating. I think including the milk I had with my coffee, my caloric intake was about 500 :( My exercise was pb only about 400ish, so its disappointing. I hate having to pretend that I'm eating and going through the charade so that everyone won't think I go all day without eating. Which i would like to do. I am looking forward to being home and being able to not eat at all. Hopefully my 3 hour a day work out plan will work... I sure hope so. I would like to start swimming so that I can burn more calories per hour, but I just think I'm not much of a swimmer. Its kind of boring... its ok. I can do this.

I was thinking today that maybe since I want to be an opera singer I should only lose to 115/120 because I don't want to be TOO skinny for the stage. Except that I remembered all the young girls I know like me are tiny. Like size 2. Usually not stick skinny like movie stars, but very thin. For me, if I am 100 even, I won't be emaciated because i am so short. It will be perfect. And the "you're too thin" bullshit that my family gave me last time... forget that garbage. I was young then, but I know myself now. And I know the world.

I can tell I've lost, and in my heart I want to believe that I am down to the 170's, based on how some of my shorts fit. But I'm scared to be let down when I get home. There's no way that I can't at least be in the low 180's. According to the numbers, I should be losing at least a pound every other day, but probably a little more than that... I once lost 10 lbs. in a week by eating nothing at all the whole week... I'm barely eating anything now, so I gotta be at least around 7 per week. I've been here over a week, so that would make net loss at least around 15...

I just need a scale. I'm afraid I'm gonna be chained to it once I get it though :( Onward towards thinness and success in my operatic career (people don't like fat opera singers anymore).

I hate myself and I hate my fat :( I'm disgusting. I have a million pounds to lose before I will ever look decent. And I hate having a full stomach. Which I have now...

I am fucking OVER being criticized! Nothing is EVER good enough for him! I am getting thinner... for myself. Not for him... Criticism for my weight I can take because i deserve it. But my hair? My clothes? My purse? My shoes? Now my SUNGLASSES??!?!? FUCK!

He told me that my sunglasses are too round for my face and that they make me look fatter. I just can't wait to be away from here! Damnit! Fuck it!

It works! I took alli (stole it from my Dad) and I had a very oily stool right after we got back from the walk. We are supposed to do SOMETHING else today, and if not, I swear I'm going to walk again. We only did 2.1 miles this morning. Puny and measly. I ate that crap this morning, but at least alli blocked some of it...

I also took one of the leptopril... Its supposed to block stuff too. We'll see...

Soooooo hungry. But when I looked in the mirror I was way thinner. Still fat. But smaller. Maybe coffee will take the edge off. And then we are going for a walk... Probably a long one...

-----

Had a homemade egg, ham and cheese muffin :( Sooo greasy but I was sooo hungry. I'd like to curse and pitch a fit but I'm not going to, because we are going on a walk and THEN either the beach (ugh) or on a hike up a mountain. I'm voting for the hike for sure. Maybe I can manage to eat only celery/ fruit the rest of the day, because that was surely 600 cals. :(

I realized something. I became complacent with my body because I basically don't have any shape, so it was really hard to tell when I had gotten "bigger." A blob and a slightly bigger blob aren't very different. Real contours of the body, when lost (and which i haven't seen in a very loooong time), are very noticeable. I was too huge to see any difference.

I tried on a pair of shorts that I don't think I was truly fitting since around 175?? I mean, at least the way they were fitting. I dunno. Its so hard for me to tell. Or maybe I am gaining muscle in my legs from all the exercise too. Its no matter. The fat lbs should be flying off so that shouldn't make a difference. God, it would be incredible to be in the low 70's by the time I got home. Even high 70's would do. Then I would have a prayer of 150-160 by Colorado... And fitting into my audition dress...

I want to weigh 100 lbs. That is the bottom of my weight range. I researched it. I could really go as low as probably 90 but I'm too scared to think about that right now. I don't think I would ever lose myself that badly. Even the last time I did this, I had control. The shame and depression came with the bulimia, but when I was practicing starvation itself, it was ok.

I'm afraid I won't be able to meet my 2-3 hour workout and 2 hour practice routines, but I just HAVE to. No room for failure if I want to accomplish something in this life. And I can STILL love Jesus and people. It has to be done. This is my destiny.

I am swimming in other peoples blogs, reading them so much over the past couple days that I feel I am not really living my own life, but just playing out someone else's on a screen before me. For hours and hours.

I know I am losing weight. My belly is shrinking, my arms look smaller. I am afraid they only do because I want them to. I wish i could weigh so I could just know. Its kind of weird. I think some of my clothes are looser, but its really hard to tell because they were probably technically too tight before. Very strange.

Today I ate: an apple, a banana, had the 2.5 cups of coffee with milk (which was really more like a cup plus a tiny bit of milk), a little chocolate liquer thing worth 70 cals (ouch!), and a small cracker equivalent to a wheat thin. And I'm not that hungry. Its surreal...

I wish I could weigh. Then I could just know. But I think not weighing is really helping me. And the fact that nobody questions when I don't want to eat... well, not really. And the fact that everyone really wants me to lose weight. I want to weigh 100 lbs. Jenna weighs 106 and she's 4'9.5''. In her pic she probably weighed about 110? And I would like to be a little thinner. Combine with the fact that I'm at least an inch taller than she is and I want to weigh less... Why am I even talking about this?? Its all just a faint dream right now. Must get into the 160s.... Can I do it before Colorado???

I'm fearing that after I've built this all up, I will weigh wayyyy too much more than I think by the time I get home... Ugh. We'll see. Its on to walking 5 miles a day and barely any food for me! Maybe I can go another day getting away with barely anything... 300 cals would be amaaaaazing...

So... 2.5 cups of coffee, an apple, and a multivitamin.

Then we walked 4-5 miles.

I'm starving. I'm sure it will pass soon. I may eat another piece of fruit or some celery.

Here's my plans when I get back:

3 hours of exercise, every day.

2 hours of practicing :)

I could go to the Y, work out for an hour and a half, go to school, practice, Go to the gym at school, practice again! And all of that before 2pm?? It'd be awesome. I think if I cut a peanut butter sandwich into 4 squares for carbs and protein, I could make it. That would only be around 300 calories for burning 1200-1500ish.

On the evenings I have to work at the Barrel, I could eat salad for dinner. Yeah! The rest of the days... celery??

I wish I had a scale... I do know that I ate about 270 calories so far. If I had to guess, I'd say I weigh between 182-188. I'm expecting about 182 by the time I get home because I had already dropped to 191 before I left. *Crosses fingers*

Goal weight 1: 158 lbs.
Goal weight 2: 135 lbs.
Goal weight 3: 117 lbs.
Goal weight 4: 110 lbs.
Goal weight 5: 100 lbs.!

This morning I have eaten an apple and had 2.5 cups of coffee.

My stepmother made me an omelet and put it in the fridge for me for when I'm "ready" to eat it. Let the throwing away food and lying about it commence. I can get away with not eating another thing, probably, if I split the omelet in two. Yessss....

AND... I figured out if I eat fruit the rest of the time I'm here, I bet I can get away with eating very little of anything else. Everyone here thinks I'm a fat ass... It was really awkward at Christmas dinner last night... So this should be pretty easy.

If only I had a scale! I'm so afraid that after all this work, I'm gonna be real disappointed when I get home....

Damnit! Please don't fucking eat popcorn in front of me... I didnt feel any hunger and now my stomach is killing! Fuck.

I wish I could have a scale. I wish I could go home and not have what I eat be watched. I hate Christmas. I think I did well, but I just don't want people to be around me and notice what I eat, little or a lot.

Today I got 2 cute pairs of shoes and a great red purse. Merry Christmas. I can see a small difference in my body now, which is good. I took some diet pills before dinner, but I have a lot of anxiety about whether they will/did work. I know that hunger is the best way. Pretty much the only way for me, actually.

Ugggggghhhhhh... I need a scale!!! I have another 8 days here, and I can't believe I have to wait that long before I can really launch into real weight loss. I told my Dad I had lost 10 lbs. since graduation, and that's possible... but I dunno if its quite true.

What's sad about this whole thing is that I love Jesus and people, but I don't have time to be focused on them if I am only focused on my weight. When I hit 100 lbs, I can care about other people more effectively again...

Today we walked 6.1 miles. Even with a foot injury, I made it. Hopefully it will start to get better. Its just gotta. Thank God for the elliptical even though I can't use it til I get back. I'm really thinspired by the girls who say they work out 2 or 3 hours a day. When you are obese, the recommended time PER DAY is 90 min. That's not really a lot considering.

Yesterday I did pretty well on my food intake and was able to go to bed hungry, thank God. However, this morning I had a little teeny strip of steak and one and a half eggs. The epic failure was the two pieces of toast with garlic butter. Uggggh. I feel disgusting but it tasted good. I don't want them to start noticing that I'm not eating. Plus its Christmas and I'm screwing it up a bit tonight anyway. My goal is just to have a spoonful of everything I want, period. And probably as much alcohol as I can get away with :) I wouldn't mind getting a good bit tipsy, but that's not gonna happen with my Dad around. And I don't need the calories. So a buzz will suffice.

I can't wait til I go back home and can be alone to my starvation and epic workouts! I'm gonna do this thing. I can't wait til I can start emailing my Dad and telling him I lost 25...35... etc lbs.

My immediately urgent goal is to get in the 150's. Like 158 is pretty much my goal at the moment. I think I have lost since I got here, but its hard to tell. I'm pb gonna try to do another workout tonight.

My ultimate goal is 110. Can't wait to see it. End of next year???

I had a huge fight with my Dad today, but I feel great now. He let me have it about my weight. I'm glad. Now I have permission to go no holds barred.

Yay for thinspiration! I'm feeling really hardcore now!

Today I sucked. I just had a glass of milk and the rest of my farina from the morning because I just had to have something. :(

Earlier my Dad's wife made chicken and pasta, and the way it was presented, I could have gotten away with not eating it, but I ate one bite full of pasta and a chicken tender. Fail.

When we went on our second walk today, we ended up running a lot too. Which is good, but bad because that's pb what made me eat...Its tough to exercise without food. I gotta get better at this! Tomorrow morning we are walking first thing and then going to the beach. If I can take my celery and apples, maybe I can get away with denying anything else... Hunger and emptiness are a good thing. I hope I am losing. I really need a scale. I've noticed that a day of eating followed by a couple days of avoidance is really good for me because it keeps my body from getting too settled. It'll be ok for me to sleep on the beach tomorrow, so that'll be good if I can avoid food.

Rule #1: If I need energy for exercise, it really needs to be FRUIT. I sooo hope I am losing...

This morning I had farina, half a bowl, and some starbucks that I hope was sugar free.

I went almost the whole day... and we are walking for the 2nd time today... I have been so tired, so I knew I needed to eat carbs if I was gonna function in a second walk. So I ate a little piece of bread, and then a little quesadilla with olive oil butter. I feel disgusting. Why can't I show restraint when it counts?? I wish I could weigh myself, because that would give me momentum. I would so run instead of walk, but my foot injury :( Well, here I go...

Somehow, even with the empty feeling in my stomach, I know I am an epic fat ass. Yesterday I kind of ate whatever I wanted. I hadn't eaten anything real in like 3 days, or 2.5 for sure, so I just ate while I was traveling. I think I set myself up for it because I had made up my mind to eat lunch with a friend after church and when that fell through, I found someone else to eat with. Then I ended up with leftovers I just couldn't resist. Probably gave me something to do with all that traveling. Let's just say my metabolism got rid of it today... it was tough...

I had some spanish omelet and bread with butter, compliments of my grandma this morning. She has already subtly hinted at my weight and its the first day I have seen her. I am sure I will hear it at least a couple more times. I was able to get away with eating very little for lunch... I nibbled at my Dad's disgusting empanadilla de yuca... so fatty and gross. For dinner we went to Chili's and I had a quesadilla explosion salad--complete with mini quesadilla=fail. But I was very very very light on the dressing and that makes me feel a lot better. I ate the whole thing and I'm pretty much epically hungry 5 hours later. I have to remind myself how much I love hunger. When I think about the results, it makes me feel better.

I weighed myself on my roommate's scale the day before I left, and according to it, since I started I have lost 8 lbs. I dunno if that is right though. I don't think we have a working scale in the house here at my Dad's, so I think I am just gonna try to stay the course and hope that this 2 weeks is VERY effective. Hope so. My plan is to walk once in the morning and once in the evening. Hopefully it will work out. I really need to do abs exercises, but they are like my LEAST favorite. I don't have an excuse not to because I don't have much to do here in PR. Its a good thing. Also, I am not singing much over the next 2 weeks, so I really need to make good use of wearing myself out with abs. Man... that's motivating... kick my ass now and then the following two weeks I will lighten up so that I can get ready for grad auditions.

Some good things: My bro gave me his iPod complete with running arm band :) and I really do think I've lost at least a few lbs. I wish I could weigh, but surely hunger and emptiness is a good gage...

Just need to focus on feeling HUNGRY! Yeah!

I don't know why I worry so much about people griping at me for not eating. Believe me, it won't be an issue for a long long time. I saw a video of myself teaching voice lessons and OH MY GOD. My mom looks awful, and I look just like her. sick. We are definitely mother and daughter. Its intimidating to think about how bad I look. I did pretty well today. I only ate celery and had coffee, and as far as I can remember, I didn't cheat AT ALL. Tomorrow my buddy wants to have me over for dinner. If I was serious about this I think I would avoid food like the plague, but I really want to see him. I think I will just try really hard not to eat much. If I can stick a bag of celery in my car, maybe I will be ok.

After seeing myself, I don't wonder that I am 1 point away from extreme obesity. There is no sugarcoating it. I have GOT to lose this weight. I am so nervous about going to see my Dad this weekend :( Not only are they going to be shoving food in my face like always, watching me like a hawk, but I hate being criticized about my weight. It will be good for me to face up to the reality of things. That and I really like my winter clothes much better than my summer clothes. Oh man. Reality is a hard thing to face, but really good. My job for the next 8ish months is to get this under control. If I can manage to not fall off the band wagon, I really could lose 80 lbs in that time period. Even if I lost 50, things would be so so so so much better.

I've GOT to start working out. Everyone always talks about life changes. I wish I could get addicted to working out. Actually, I have, but its easy to fall out of if I don't have enough time to keep it up. Why can't my life be simple like summer of 2007? It was a hellish summer, but not bad in some ways. I was running every day. At least now I know that I can stick to this celery thing and it helps. Its really really tough to work out when I am so tired from not eating... but motivation goes a long way! I know that I have no lack of motivation as a person... I just need to get a handle on my priorities for the semester coming up!

So between graduation and birthday, I feel completely offfffff the wagon. It would have been impossible and futile to try. I feel like a fat ass. One of my secret fears came true when I saw my friend I hadn't seen in a year and a half, and it wasn't bad at all. But I leave to see my Dad on Sunday. Ugggh. Celery for me. Today I tried to be motivated but I just couldn't be. And the day ended with me eating Taco Bell because I had two glasses of wine and started to feel queasy when I "sobered up."

Here's to trying not to be a fat ass tomorrow. Uggghhh.

I have learned that eating is mostly a psychological thing. Seriously. I was having trouble concentrating, fancying my brain as "starved" and I popped a piece of gum and told myself what nonsense it was-- that I feel hungry sometimes even after I eat-- and got over it. Wow!

I had my tall peppermint mocha earlier. I have lost 4 lbs. I feel really proud. I need to drink a butload of water tonight, take a diurex, and schedule an appointment with Mary Beth. Random... and go to walmart to get that cleanse. That's what I need. I'm not looking forward to eating this weekend. Can I just say that? My brain has already bypassed tomorrow and I'm stressed about this weekend and my Mom and Paula breathing down my neck. Eck. I shouldn't worry about it... I don't weigh 90--I weigh 190. How embarrasing!

God, I hope I can manage this week... I could double it if I can make it this week...

Arg... I might need a cup of coffee. Or an apple. Or both? I am crashing and feeling super hungry again. I was feeling great for awhile. I'm gonna go weigh now. But I'm not gonna get frustrated...

Actually, I said something wrong. I don't really take very good care of myself, because I am always working or studying. That's how I got to be 200 lbs. Well, almost. And I never sleep. And because I am always, always, ALWAYS stressed and its convenient to eat whatever which is usually carbs. I always feel hungry... so I might as well barely eat anything and feel REALLY hungry... You know?

I found out the other day, and forgot to mention that my BMI is like one point away from severely obese. Disgusting. I can't believe it. The problem with being fat is that you never really can tell you are, I think. At least that's how I am. Its just hard for me to sense how big I really am because I am always thinking about what I looked like at a healthy weight. Course I was younger too. I would probably be damn sexy if I was small. I take care of myself and I try to be fashionable. Course we can't think about would bes... I either am or I'm not, and I'm really, REALLY REALLY NOT.

I guess we can say that I don't lack in the confidence department. Its good to get all this on paper because it helps me hate myself less and do more. Its good.

Last night I did really, really good in the eating dept. I had all that crap for lunch and then I didn't eat again :) My stomach got that pain in it as a result, and then of course I felt it again today when I ate lunch, but I dealt. Oh, and I had some hot chocolate with my coffee today... Today for lunch we had carrots, corn dogs, pears and french fries. Plus my usual milk of course. I need to give that up, but I mean, it doesn't matter anyways because today was my last day. Tomorrow we go on choir tour and I have to figure out a way not to eat a lot of garbage. It will be so so so so so so hard, but I can do it!

My plan tonight is to not eat anything except for maybe an apple if my blood sugar gets too low. I am hopeful that I am beginning a better trend now with the weight loss... I still want to do that cleanse but my plans to purchase it last night were very very foiled when I had to take a friend to the emergency room.

The nice thing about today (and also the new jeans that I purchased) is that I've already gotten a "you look slimmer" compliment. The person blamed it on the jeans, not me, but I'll take it anyway. I was thinking a couple days ago that I don't do quick fixes, but actually, I'll take the quick fix. I am a determined girl and this weight WILL stay off. Quick fixes are good. I kept the weight off for 3 and a half years before, and I will continue to do it (without going back to throwing up-- I can NEVER go back to that for the sake of my voice).

I love the feeling of hunger :) It makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something. And I feel confident. And powerful. Hopefully I can make it to the gym tonight *crosses fingers*

I really wanted to use the F word a few minutes ago, but I think I'm calmer now. Since I've started this, I've lost 2.5 lbs, which is crazy low for what I expected. I have to keep in mind that I didn't sleep at all last week, though, so that's a part of it. I ate really bad again at lunch time, so I took my supplement. I was kinda pissed, but I haven't eaten anything since then at around 12. Its been six hours and I feel like I am dying of hunger, but at the same time, hunger feels good. Its amazing how I go so quickly from healthy eating to just starvation, but I am an all or nothing type of person. If I can't do this THIS semester, I will never ever be able to do it.

I am scared of pre-diabetes. Diabetes runs in my family, and I probably am pre-diabetic as we speak. But I will lose this weight and banish it.
Hunger feels good. Intoxicatingly good. I have felt like this at least since middle school. I remember being in the 7th grade and feeling good about myself for being hungry.

I want to try another diet pill, but I can't find one that I can trust... ech. I guess that's the problem with this... there are no quick fixes. But I will stick with this. I DO know that I've got to work out more if I expect anything to happen anytime.

Apparently my "date" never meant for it to be a "date" and things spiraled out of control. Asshole. How the hell do things spiral out of control? Couldn't you just choose your words so that they don't lead me on? Oh, I know! He was ashamed of me because I'm fat. There ya go. I have to do something about this. Hunger feels like a good solution. I think I will still buy the cleanse I wanted to try. I have Wednesday and Thursday that I can get away with not eating-- Tuesday is gonna be a hard day because its stupid pizza for the choir tour, but maybe I can make myself eat all salad.

And by the way

Did I mention I was asked on a date, only to be subsequently dumped 2 days later? Its probably because he was ashamed of me. That would never happen to me if I was the right size, because I'd be beautiful if I was thinner. I really am a cute girl if it wasn't for my disgusting weight. Nobody can tell.

Fat people don't get married very easily. Its harder for them to get jobs. And opera singers aren't allowed to be fat anymore. I'm so screwed unless I get this weight off. But then again, maybe its protecting me. I don't wanna be hurt by men, and it sure does keep me undesireable. I have worked so hard at everything I ever did, and it'd be so unfair for it all to be discounted because I'm fat. HAVE to do something about this.

Ugggggghhhh. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm smart, and I take care of myself, and I a work hard. Why can't that be enough?? No no no no. I have to lose the weight. Peppers and exercise for me tomorrow!!! And I pb need to go get that other type of diet pill and try it too.

Plan for tomorrow

Eat bell peppers only
Classic Christmas
Work out-- MUST work out!!!
Clean my room
Get boxes from Wal-Mart.
Start packing. I'm so glad to be moving!!!

Fat ass.

I feel like one. I ate so much crap tonight and I don't even know how it happened. I had a little teeny tiny sliver of pizza early in the day, but I wasn't real distraught. I was staaaaaaaaarrrrving this evening when I went to get coffee with a friend, so I had a peppermint mocha with full sugar, but my blood sugar was lowering, so I thought that was ok. I was still doing well with the not eating thing, and then I went to a friend's house where I was offered chocolate cake and later puppy chow. I tried to eat just a little sliver of cake-- one or two bites would have been fine... but I ended up with a little more than I bargained for and couldn't say no.

Well, later, the puppy chow. It was soooo good, and I was getting nauseous from the sugar, but I couldn't stop. And then they sent some home with me. Grr.

I found my bell peppers that I bought. I need to cut them up so that I can eat them for lunch tomorrow. I am getting constipated, and that's annoying too. Its from way too much caffeine and not enough sleep. The only freaking way I stayed awake this week was because the leptopril is so so strong, but it screwed me on my voice. It is so strong that you have to constantly drink water or its over.

I am so frustrated because I only lost 2 lbs. this week. I guess its because I didn't sleep and my metabolism freaking stopped. My father is going to be so disgusted with me when he sees me. I am not sure what to do. I was gonna do a cleanse and I didn't even do that. I forgot because I was so tired... And then everything that happened today. Although I did have a good day with sleeping and then hanging out. I have got to start sleeping in order to lose weight. I know that I have to. I don't see how its possible to accomplish everything I need to in my life.

I feel like such a sad, sad failure in everything. I should not be feeling like this with graduation looming next week, but nothing makes sense.