I'm getting to that deep place where all I want in my life right now is to be thin. It is a deep, deep place. I really am starting to believe that I can't have anything else unless I have this. It's a sad place. Two of my friends that have been "close" but not in a relationship for like 3 years are finally about to be in that place. I really believe that they might get married. And there is a stinging part of me that envies them. She is so beautiful. Beyond words. In every way. And I don't think she tries that hard. I know her well enough to know she is just naturally beautiful.

And here I am starving myself silly and crazy, and I'm afraid its not working. That my metabolism may come to a screeching halt. Not that it was amazing to begin with. Now the solution might be to go to a doctor and have him check my thyroid function, because it must be crap... but as of 2 weeks ago, I am no longer insured.

I dunno. Maybe its the 2 rainy days in a row, and the complications of my life, and the fact that my car transmission is starting to go bad and I have no money and I don't know a lot of things right now.

The last time I did this "extreme diet" thing, I was really depressed, and I lost sight of who I am, and who I know God to be in my life. I guess regardless, I still trust Him and know it will all work out. And I'm thankful for all that I have. I know when the time comes for this car issue, He really will work it out. Its amazing how he bears with me through these weight issues and my (at times) lack of respect for myself and etc. But devoid of being one of those sickening church girls, I really do love Him and trust Him. That's it. Nothing hypocritical about that... simple. Glad I have some hope. and I'm still gonna get skinny. I really will.