Stole this from blue butterfly:

"Eating is a primitive impulse embedded in our psyche when man had to hunt for his food so naturally, he ate whatever and whenever he hunted. If he wanted to eat, he had to work for it i.e hunt and so he deserved to eat. You, on the other hand, do not deserve to eat unless you have expended the amount of calories that you are going to consume."

Love that!

Yesterday I commenced lying about food and how I felt so I could get out of eating. My stepmom bought us yummy fried puertorican food, the kind that's best when you get it on the side of the road. I stuffed it in my bag to throw away later. Later, when we ate hamburgers right before hiking, I only ate the lettuce and tomato with the excuse that I was still carsick from the trip and that we had just eaten. When no one was looking I chucked the other food I had hidden in my bag. I had a handful of dried cranberries after burning almost 700 calories on the hike... mostly because I was getting to that point of woozy desperation. I felt embarrased because my pace was so slow on the hike-- the incline was so high! It proved what a fatass I am. :(

Today I started to eat the egg, ham and cheese english muffin my stepmom made. I ate about half of it and threw away everything except the muffin. Saved my caloric intake a ton! I was too far in to stop eating it, but at least I didnt eat everything. I got away with not eating anything else except a couple bites of dinner for the facade because I went running while everyone was eating. I think including the milk I had with my coffee, my caloric intake was about 500 :( My exercise was pb only about 400ish, so its disappointing. I hate having to pretend that I'm eating and going through the charade so that everyone won't think I go all day without eating. Which i would like to do. I am looking forward to being home and being able to not eat at all. Hopefully my 3 hour a day work out plan will work... I sure hope so. I would like to start swimming so that I can burn more calories per hour, but I just think I'm not much of a swimmer. Its kind of boring... its ok. I can do this.

I was thinking today that maybe since I want to be an opera singer I should only lose to 115/120 because I don't want to be TOO skinny for the stage. Except that I remembered all the young girls I know like me are tiny. Like size 2. Usually not stick skinny like movie stars, but very thin. For me, if I am 100 even, I won't be emaciated because i am so short. It will be perfect. And the "you're too thin" bullshit that my family gave me last time... forget that garbage. I was young then, but I know myself now. And I know the world.

I can tell I've lost, and in my heart I want to believe that I am down to the 170's, based on how some of my shorts fit. But I'm scared to be let down when I get home. There's no way that I can't at least be in the low 180's. According to the numbers, I should be losing at least a pound every other day, but probably a little more than that... I once lost 10 lbs. in a week by eating nothing at all the whole week... I'm barely eating anything now, so I gotta be at least around 7 per week. I've been here over a week, so that would make net loss at least around 15...

I just need a scale. I'm afraid I'm gonna be chained to it once I get it though :( Onward towards thinness and success in my operatic career (people don't like fat opera singers anymore).