I realized something. I became complacent with my body because I basically don't have any shape, so it was really hard to tell when I had gotten "bigger." A blob and a slightly bigger blob aren't very different. Real contours of the body, when lost (and which i haven't seen in a very loooong time), are very noticeable. I was too huge to see any difference.

I tried on a pair of shorts that I don't think I was truly fitting since around 175?? I mean, at least the way they were fitting. I dunno. Its so hard for me to tell. Or maybe I am gaining muscle in my legs from all the exercise too. Its no matter. The fat lbs should be flying off so that shouldn't make a difference. God, it would be incredible to be in the low 70's by the time I got home. Even high 70's would do. Then I would have a prayer of 150-160 by Colorado... And fitting into my audition dress...

I want to weigh 100 lbs. That is the bottom of my weight range. I researched it. I could really go as low as probably 90 but I'm too scared to think about that right now. I don't think I would ever lose myself that badly. Even the last time I did this, I had control. The shame and depression came with the bulimia, but when I was practicing starvation itself, it was ok.

I'm afraid I won't be able to meet my 2-3 hour workout and 2 hour practice routines, but I just HAVE to. No room for failure if I want to accomplish something in this life. And I can STILL love Jesus and people. It has to be done. This is my destiny.