This morning I was 173.4. I thought I might have lost at least a pound, but it serves me right for the garbage I ate last night. Anyways, I was getting that really weak feeling, so I ate a huge bowl of raisin bran. Hopefully I will have a bowel movement too... I can feel it coming. I'm so so so tired! I may need to eat a little extra real food today so that I can kick my metabolism again, because obviously it would want to slow way down after a couple days... We'll see what happens.

***

Today kinda sucked. Not horribly, but pretty much a fail. I hate myself.

OUTRAGEOUS!!!

But really, really, really good. I woke up and weighed this morning and I was 173.8. I dunno how its possible that I lost 5 pounds in 2 days, but maybe I really did lose while I was in CO. I weighed in the PM on Monday, so maybe that's why. I'm not complaining!

Today I have eaten:

Lean cuisine (210 cals)
fat free/sugar free frozen yogurt (200 cals?)
coffee (90 cals)

I'm pretty hungry, but I'll survive... I feel like I'm accomplishing something! I'm happy :) I'm just worried that maybe I lost so quickly because I was dehydrated and that it will go back up. So I'm gonna try to tell myself I'm 175 just in case.

annnndddd, just weighed, and I was 175, but that is after lots of water and food today... hope it doesn't stay!!

***

Damnit! I ate 2 chocolate suckers, pb 50 cals each, and then my friend offered me some baked goods :( I ate a rice krispy treat at approx 100 cals and a tiny chocolate chip muffin at about 50 cals. FML!

So my total for the day is 750. Way tooooo high and it sucks because I am still freaking hungry. I barely ate anything healthy today, just sugar and garbarge :( I am so tempted to just eat something, but I just don't see how that would help me at all. I have to go to lunch with my teacher tomorrow at a freaking mexican restaurant, so its not like I could eat salad. I will probably just try to take the opportunity to eat protein, since I'm pretty sure I am already lacking in it. Uggghhh. I am very hungry tonight. I hope that I still will have lost in the morning. It would be incredible to still be 172... or even close to it...

So I woke up this morning at 177. And then I had a bowel movement (hallelujah!) and lost another pound :) So I am officially back to my starting weight from before Colorado! Woo!

Today I ate:
a fruit cup with melons, pineapple, and grapes (150? cals)
coffee (60 cals)
toast (50 cals)
coffee (50 cals)
coffee (90 cals)

So... 400 cals with 200 of them being coffee. Kinda crazy. Just sort of happened... I fully expect to be at my first goal tomorrow. Happy about that! And 5 days early, no less! Its only because I was paranoid about gaining, so I made a small goal. BUT it could catch up with me at some point in this, so I can't get too confident... Anyways, I'm pretty pleased for now.

***

Annndddddd, I just weighed and I am at 175, my first immediate goal! Woohoo! 25 by April!?!?!? Piece of cake. Probably 35 is more like it, as long as I can keep control and schedule some 'metabolism boosters' along the way! Woo!

Well, I had to eat out with M and R and their friend J, but I guess I didn't do horribly. Not as well as i would like, but not a disaster. I feel hungry after all. I probably ended up consuming 1000 cals today, which kind of is an epic fail, but tomorrow is the real deal again. Going to weigh...

178. Two pounds less than what I was sure I gained. I was even afraid that I was above that. Its a miracle. And I've been eating semi normally, so hopefully my weight will shoot down over the next couple days. 170, here I come!!! I think it was my goal by the 6th? I have 11 days to lose 8 lbs (but I think I will be lower tomorrow morning?). Let's see if I can. Even if I could make it to 172, I could be happy, and that is so doable!!!

I thought CO would be a disaster and that I would eat so so much, but I got away with not eating much. I think I gained 2 lbs, officially. I so can do this!!!!

2-8-1-7-2-8-1

My caloric plan:

2-8-1-7-2-8-1

The 281 diet. Hopefully it will work.

Okay so...

HW: 195
LW: 115
CW: 180? :(

175 [ ] 02/01/2010
170 [ ] 02/06/2010
167 [ ] 02/18/2010

163 [ ] 03/03/2010-- This will be a big deal because I plateaued at 165 for a long time the last time I was this size!

MilestoneW1: 160 [ ] 03/13/2010... This is about 6.5 weeks to lose 20 lbs. Can I do it???


MW2: 150 by 04/10/2010 I CAN DO THIS!!!!

I am such a fat ass. I go home tomorrow and I can take control of my eating again so that I can be a real soubrette. Fuck any thyroid issues that anyone might have. Fuck them all. I am going to beat this! And be a real opera singer. Just watch.

So tomorrow. Coffee and toast in the morning. And... FUCK! Mark wants to take me to dinner. Salad. It just has to be.

I am an all or nothing girl... but I so could have eaten less on this trip, I really could've! And exercised. I obviously am not as commited to this as I need to be, but that's about to change. I HAVE to be a real soubrette!!! I am realizing that in all or nothing, the "all" part really just can't come into effect. It. has. to. stop. I am expecting to be 180, at the very least when I get home. My goal is to be 170 by my next audition. And 167 by the opera. That's 3 and a half weeks away. I can so do it!

I would like to be 160 by March 13th. Can I do it? If I did that I would only be able to make it to 150 by the time T. comes home on the 2nd week of April. A let down. But it doesn't matter how fast I do it, as long as I do it. Realistic to think I could be a normal weight by August if I stayed the course. Not where I wanna be, but a soubrette weight anyways.

I CAN DO THIS!!!

CGW: 170 and an audition. Here I come!

Here's what's up. Basically, I'm probably a soubrette (voice type) right now. Which means I have to lose weight if I'm ever going to be a believable one because they are adorable and cute. I'm such a fat ass... I know I have gained since CO, but after this trip is over, I will lose weight and learn new rep. Period. That's how it has to be because I MUST succeed at this. Just one more full day. And then I can really do this.

I really want this so so so so bad. Have I ever mentioned that? I really do believe I have issues with my thyroid. But I can't do anything about it because I don't have insurance. So suck for me. Nothing a little starving can't cure for now.

I'm gonna do this. Or fail at life forever.

I have eaten crap since I've been with my aunt and uncle. And they think they know about my weight problems. Garbage. I'll show them all soon!!

In other news, my CO audition is Saturday. I am doing this. I really am! I'm going to get in. And I'm going to get some kind of fellowship/scholarship/assistantship. Just watch. I am so ready for this!!!

I didn't eat all day until the party, and I probably didn't consume more than 500 cals. But I feel like a cow. Later one of my friends had a recital and when I went by as they were cleaning up (to wish her congrats) she offered me punch. I was thirsty, so I said yes. And then halfway through I realized that it was delicious, and poisonous to my body. So I chucked it. I want to lose weight so bad. I can't wait til CO is over so that I can go back to restricting hard core. I figured out that I really must have more protein and vitamin B. So I will try hard to get more of it so that I'm not draggin ass all the time. Must lose weight. I'm huge.

I will probably weigh tonite, which may be counterproductive. But I feel like I need to.

Yesterday ended up being ridiculous. Some where in the neighborhood of 1500 cals. I just finally gave up and started eating chocolate. I had a lot of protein which was so good for me-- I feel better-- but I ate a lot of shit too.

I went to freaking chili's and had chips, salad and soup. Ate some chips and soup, prolly a good 300 cals? Didnt eat all the salad.

If I can be hardcore the rest of the day, maybe I can get my life back. I am not going to weigh because its pointless. Someone said that fast-restrict-fast-restrict is the best diet... I dunno. My body just keeps shutting down on me. Welp, if I can lose a couple pounds every few days, I guess I will have to be okay with that. I probably need to eat normally one day a week to keep my metabolism up... I dunno. I don't care how I do it, I just want to lose. I'm a fat ass.

***

Its not that I'm not strong enough to do this. I just have to be strong enough to do this and everything else, too. Seriously, nothing else matters but being thinner. Well, being thinner and still succeeding at other things... Its so hard. I had a crappy eating day today. But tomorrow WILL be better. 500 cals. That's my limit. Period.

Actually... i just thought of something. I have that stupid party tomorrow. I'm gonna have to barely eat tomorrow in order to make it :(

So... Last night I did pretty okay, not as great as I wanted to, but 600 cals-ish. Then I got really drunk. Never really been drunk before, only tipsy... oops. Too freaking many cals :(

I realized that I'm totally not eating enough protein so I am declaring this protein day (I feel better already). If I can eat only protein maybe I can still trick my body today...

Also, I have decided to start my own version of ABC. So here it is. I know I've GOT to trick my body or this isn't gonna work. All I really want is to lose... We'll try it for a few days and see what happens...

Day 1: 900 cals
Day 2: 300 cals
Day 3: 750 cals
Day 4: 200 cals

I am only writing down 4 days because that's how much time I have before Colorado... crap. But if I up my cals to really healthy cals today with the protein, then tomorrow I can have a low day, ya think? Hope this works. When I spread my food out into little bits the other day, I lots a bunch right away. Maybe, hopefully, this will be the same. Gotta keep myself guessing...

***

So I had already eaten 250.

Plus:
half a cookie (40 cals)
salad (55 cals)
lean cuisine (180)

Total so far: 525 cals

I'm prone to think I wanna quit eating right there, but the point of today was to get more protein so that I can have energy so that I can restrict hardcore tomorrow... and LOSE!!

FINALLY!!!! I lost 1.5 pounds from yesterday! A little bit throughout the day must be the answer. I am so pleased!

A bump in the road, yes, and I guess I'm not going to be at my goal for CO... that's pretty obvious, but I can be thinner than I was! Let's hope this keeps up. I think its probably easier than starving completely, because at least I can eat little things all day. Yay!

***

So today:

1 slice of toast (50 cals)
10 almonds (85 cals)
Salad (50 cals)
yogurt (60 cals)
a little pudding--fail! (40 cals)
cranberry juice with nasty superfood stuff (125 cals)
coffee with cream and NSA hot chocolate--fail! (90 cals)

500 calorie total so far. And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need to eat at least one more thing tonight. Not happy about being over 500 cals, but maybe I can just eat salad or something....

I really think this whole eat a little throughout the day thing is gonna be so much better for me than once a day. I have had another BM-- 2 days in a row! Means my metabolism is going for once. Hopefully I will feel less tired soon!

***
Plus... 65 cals worth of cereal. My ulcer was really hurting!

Today I have eaten a 160 cal package of almonds (not all at once), a couple pieces of fried okra (20 cal?), 2 cups of coffee (40 cal), an apple (80 cal), and a salad (55 cal).

355 so far? I may eat one more thing tonight. I am trying this new thing where I spread my calories out more drastically. I think it may help my metabolism, rather than eating it all in one meal and dropping my blood sugar later...

Hopefully it will work! Its almost the same amount of cals, maybe a few more, but spread out throughout the day. That's GOTTA be better, right?!?!

I'll be able to tell in a couple days.

***

Add to 355 cals:

Tablespoon of blueberries (30 cals)
3 mini chocolate PB ritz crackers (30 cals)
NSA hot chocolate (60 cals)

355+120= 475. Not terrible considering I spread it throughout the day and walked for an hour, burned 258 cals.

Let's just hope I lost by tomorrow! Ps, I feel horrible-- I think I have an ear infection :(

Did pretty well today... didn't work out, but hardly ate. Welp, I had a horrible night-- fender bendered someone-- and didn't eat. Felt good about it. My blood sugar started to go horribly low. So I just consumed about 300 cals to get it back up. I think I may be hypoglycemic :( Seriously.

Tomorrow's plan-- eat apples. If I eat three of them, I am still under 200 cals, and my bloodsugar won't drop like that. Apples and lettuce. I just have to eat so my metabolism thinks I'm feeding it. I can do this!

HUNGER IS FAT LEAVING THE BODY

Welp, lately I have been sucking. But all the social eating is hopefully over for a few days, so maybe I will be okay. I haven't had a chance to go to the gym either :(

I guess I could've, but I was sooo tired. Today I am not going to the Y because I've fasted so far today and I will get to too gung ho. But I am going for a walk with my friend, so that will help.

Yay for fasting! I just don't even want to think about what will happen if I eat again. I have to lose this weight!!!! The good thing is that other people have noticed me losing weight, which is nice. But its stil not enough. BTW, I have probably consumed around 70 cals worth of cream in my tea today (2 diff cups).

Hunger is fat leaving the body.

***

Welp, I had some green tea w/ 30 cals worth of cream. Intake so far 100 cals. Going for a walk. Net intake zero?!?!?! Hope so.

I just don't get it. At all. This morning I weighed and I had gained 3 lbs. I have eaten more than I should the past few days, but nothing to merit gaining that much weight. The only thing I can see is that I am ovulating, so maybe I am bloated or something? I really thought I might still have lost. Well, nothing to get off the train about. I will keep going. Keep chugging. I don't have time to work out today, but hopefully tomorrow...

Today I have eaten a salad with shredded cheese and balsamic vinagrette. Lets say 40 cals for the cheese- it wasn't too much-- and 40 cals for the dressing. I also had some coffee with cream and a swallow of protein shake. We'll say that's another 40.

So... 120 cals? And I am going to starbucks in a few. I will either get a tall cappuccino (60 cals) or a skinny hazlenut latte (90 cals). I estimate that dinner will be in the 300 range. Not the best, but considering I'm with friends allll freakin day today, not terrible.

I feel like crap. Two days ago, when my stomach was killing me, my friends talked me into Chili's where I had stupid chips and salsa along with a chicken salad with extra crap on it.

Yesterday I ate leftovers and hot chocolate, then the stupid brownie... and that wine last night...

Today, I started a juice fast this morning, then my friends wanted me to eat out with them. I was gonna just order salad and be ok, but stupid friend ordered chips and freaking salsa. AGAIN. If it weren't for chips, I would be JUST FINE. The problem is that I am weak for hanging out. Its not the food really... its the people most of the time. And of course, chips and salsa are impossible to say no to. I guess that's hardly a binge, but I just can't afford to have nothing days like this. I guess I won't be meeting that CO goal :( Fat ass. I'm such a freaking fat ass! SUCH A FAT ASS!!!

And tomorrow I already have a lunch date that I could hardly say no to, and hanging out with a friend I may not get to see again for weeks if I don't go tomorrow. Oh, and sandwiched in with all that will probably be a starbucks date with another friend I haven't seen in weeks. WHY THE HELL IS EVERYTHING ABOUT FOOD?!?!?!?

I can make it. I can do this. I will eat salad. Salad. Salad. Salad. Salad. And black coffee. And I will eat nothing else today. Maybe its not a failure today after all. I just really thought I could do this juice fast. At least I didn't get too far into it. I'm off to the gym.

***

I'm too afraid to calculate my calories for the day, which in a way, is driving me crazy! I haven't consumed anything since lunch time and I burned 450 cals at the gym. That's 50 cals less than my bottom goal, but I ran today for 10 minutes w/ incline. I'm trying to get into running again-- I want to really bad. So that was the price I had to pay :( I'm thinking I might do it every other time I go? And try and make up for it on the days that I do the running? At least partially. Anyways, i was gonna take a walk with a friend, but they are not all back yet, suck. I think I will just have to live. Hopefully I can get up early and go to the gym again before my voice lesson. So much food tomorrow, but if I can POSSIBLY stick to salads, it could still be a 500 cal day.

I feel so terribly fat. I am surrounded by all these wonderful, beautiful people... Today my Dad has been on my mind alot. And of course, the fact that he is completely disgusted with my fat. I had to remind myself that he obviously does love me bc he paid for my plane ticket to Colorado... Welp, I just have to stay with it, keep working. Lets see if I can have a couple decent workout and eating days in a row before I weigh again. I'm afraid to.

***

Damned cottage cheese. I let myself eat something because I realized that the pain in my stomach is when my stomach lining gets inflamed-- and it helps if I just don't let it get empty... well, one cottage cheese led to another... so pb 300 cal just now :( Plus the 40 cals I had with my coffee earlier. boo.

Yesterday I burned 875 cals but I don't have a clue how much I ate in chips and salsa last night :( Then I had low cal hot chocolate (which is fine, 60 cals, but that's still too much).

Today I ate my leftovers and had more hot chocolate. And then a brownie with my friggin coffee. I'm done.

I'm going on a juice fast tomorrow.

Actually... I may be having a glass of wine before bed, but only because I really need something to put me to sleep that's not as strong as tylenol PM.

Juice fast tomorrow!!!!

Disappointed today. Not only did I not lose from yesterday, I am 0.2 lbs heavier. Honest to goodness, I KNOW I had too much salt yesterday, and I drank a decent amount of water leading up to bedtime, but I still think maybe I'm retaining ever so slightly. That's the ONLY explanation-- I had less than 500 cals yesterday! I'm gonna try not to stress about it, but to be really really determined.

My goal for today is, of course to eat around 300 cals and burn off my 700. I was thinking about going in to work, but maybe I will wait until tomorrow to do that... I dunno. I am gonna lose this!!!! I am GOING TO BE IN THE 160'S FOR CO!!! I'm so so close.

***

2 eggs, but I left about 30 cals: 140-30= 110
spinach: 10 cals?
salsa: 5 cals (I love that)
small piece of toast, I ate half: 50-25= 25 cals
creamer: 25 cals
:( cookie, which I ate before all of this= 75 cals (did my research, this is probably the reasonably high end)

250 Total. And I feel DISGUSTING and sick. Definitely gonna get to work out tonight! If I consume anything else, it will be coffee, tea, or my protein shake (230 cals).

I feel like such a joke... No one takes me seriously. People only take beautiful people seriously. I must get there. I can't have my Dad be ashamed of me. It just can't happen. I will never be good enough for him until I can be thin and be all the other things too.

Uggghhh, I can't wait til my weight is significantly lower. I know I am disgusting to guys... I feel so lonely. I've been saying for such a long time that I didn't care... but I do. So much. I really do trust that God has the perfect person for me, but its so hard. Maybe I really am supposed to be alone forever...

All my friends are dating... I guess I just don't want to get left behind. This is definitely a problem I think God needs to fix in my life... Because the problem is, I honestly don't know if I could commit to a relationship even if I was getting asked out right now. You know, because of that whole thing where I've wanted to go to grad school for my entire life. It hurts. Do I wanna be a casual dater? If God sends someone my way, I need to be beautiful for him. And beautiful for my Dad, since he's so ashamed of me. And beautiful for the stage.

This whole inner beauty thing is such bullshit unless you've got the outer wrapping to go along with it. It makes me so frustrated and hurt and upset. But I will be thin. And beautiful. And "those people" won't be showing me up anymore.

And in the meantime, maybe God can manage to heal my fragile heart and make me a woman that really is attractive to the right man.

Last night my blood sugar started to drop after I worked out, so at my friend's house I had 3 Kashi crackers totally 26.8 cals and the rest of my cranberry juice at about 50 cals. The day was still 350-400. What I care about is the weight loss and I was down another pound this morning, so that's fiiiiine with me!

I'm feeling pretty weak this morning, but I feel better the longer I'm up. It IS a cloudy, droopy day outside anyways... I think I will have a bowl of cereal for breakfast because I need to use my milk and it will give me strength. I find that if I eat a strong breakfast, I'm more likely to lose a significant amount during the day. I have so much to get accomplished today... and I was tempted to hold my workout til tonight, but I think I will eat breakfast and see how I feel. We are supposed to get snow and I'm afraid it may get bad, then I wouldn't be able to workout and that would suck! Wish me luck.

***

Decided to wait and workout with my friend tonight... the snow isn't gonna get bad. I have eaten 325 cals this morning, because I was so weak. I will probably stick to fresh foods the rest of the day and all will be well.

***

Had 20 more cals of coffee, 15 cals of lettuce and tomato and 50 cals worth of dressing. Not a bad dinner. Not planning on having anything else tonight unless I get sick from hardcore working out like last night.

Total for the day= 410. If I have to eat anything else, which I'm not planning on, It might be a below 500 day! For being so lethargic I could barely move this morning, not a bad day!

***

Didn't make it to the gym bc of stupid snow. Better safe than sorry. Ugh. And I feel full and fat because I drank a diet root beer, took some dulcolax (finally!), and ate 4 pringles :( Those things are TEN CALORIES APIECE!!!! I think what bothers me the most is that they are so full of literal lard. I guess calorically, I'm at 450. I'm just sad because I didn't get to burn it off and I'm afraid I won't have lost anything tomorrow. I just gotta lose a pound a day! I'm sooo so close to my first real goal. Oh well. What would be great is if I crap out like 2 lbs. That'd be wonderful.

I am just one blessed pound away from my first goal. If I get there today, I will have another 13 days to lose 10 lbs, and I know I can definitely do that if I work hard. I am sooooo sooooo close! The bad part is that I know I will probably gain a little bit in Colorado from being with my family and jic the host home tries to feed me. And the fact that I need my strength while I am auditioning.

I need to go buy some metamucil!

Okay, wish me luck. I'm gonna eat a small breakfast and hit the gym.

***

I ate my breakfast... then went to bed. I know its because I am having trouble in the BM area if you know what I mean, but my tummy hurt so bad. Eating helped but did not abolish it. Ugggh.

So... about 100 cals worth of blue berries, and a 50 cal piece of bread, and now I'm drinking about 50 cal worth of coffee with cream.

Yesterday was about 300 cals. I think the day before that was 250. I'm thinking my lack of energy is from extreme exercise and little food. But that's the only way I can lose... so I'll figure out a way to do this!

***

I was thinking about that Bethany Dillon song "Beautiful." What makes me angry about the whole thing is that she is. The lyrics say "I wanna be beautiful, make you stand in awe, look inside my heart and be amazed..."

Its kind of bullshit. Because I really do want a man to love me for my character, but no man loves for character alone. They want you to be wonderful behind the guise of alluring physical beauty, too. I mean, I know some people who are NOT attractive and married great, attractive guys because their "character" was beautiful, but she is thin. That's the way it has to be for me. Its sad. I really do want to honor God in who I am... but I'm gonna have to be this for now too. I haven't gotten terribly much accomplished the past couple days because I'm just focused on losing. I really need to get it in gear. Seriously. If I do that, it will take my mind off food and I will lose even more because I will be busy.

***
I made it!!!! I lost more than a pound since this morning, which means I moved down another tens place!!! I went and worked out tonight after choir practice instead of this morning, and I burned 707 calories. I think I've consumed in the neighborhood of 250-300 cals. Which makes this a more than -400 deficit for the day:)

If I can keep this up, I will meet my goal for Colorado and look great at my audition!(And actually, i think I will be seeing my ex boyfriend who lives nearby.) And I have almost 2 weeks after my CO audition-- I will have eaten and upped my metabolism again... I'm expecting to have to, so I think I can go down another tens place from there for my Knoxville audition on Feb 6th. Yessss! That will be almost 40 lbs. in less than 2 months if i can manage it. I think I've seen that number 1 time since I started college. Seriously. I'm on my way! I think I could reach an almost normal weight by April. That would be incredible! I think my goal weight for April will be around 130... Let's hope for less!

A little frustrating. Lost a pound since yesterday, but I feel like I'm back tracking because I managed to gain somewhere in there. I just have to get past the next 10's place!! I am so close. And on that note, I really need to get myself to the gym. Been debating this morning because I am sooooo tired, but I'm gonna go do it. Here's to being much lighter before my Colorado audition!!!

Annnnd btw, I got notification yesterday that I have been granted an audition to UTK as well :)

***

Managed to burn 675 cals in just over an hour at the gym today :) All I've eaten is a 50 cal piece of toast w/ no cal butter substitute, and had a little cranberry juice watered down. Pb about 50 cals worth of juice with my vitamins. I feel a little queasy from them, so I might have to pop a few blueberries in a bit. We'll see. Feeling good. Maybe I should do this net calorie thing that some of you do... In that case my net cals so far would be -575!!

***

So far only a 90 calorie skinny vanilla latte in addition to this morning :) Sweet. Total so far, 190! So hungry, but I can deal. Hunger pangs are just fat leaving the body! I'll drink some water.

Today so far:

1 cup of coffee w/ cream-- 40 cals?
tbsp of pan fried potatoes--20 cals
assorted melon pieces--120 cals
1 scrambled egg--70 cals

Total for breakfast/lunchtime: 250.

I'd like to think that I could go the rest of the day on that. I'm gonna try. I'll have to have a little more of something before/during/or after working out, esp for 700 cals. Maybe a few cranberries will keep me through... I can do this!

I also finally...erm... cleared my intestines... so maybe I can actually weigh today!

***

Heard something great... "Hunger pains are fat leaving the body." Amen.

I actually managed not to eat anymore today. I hope to go to bed soon, so maybe I will have had a successful 250 cal day. The bad news is, I never made it to the Y. I got up so early to see my friend Brittany today-- she was passing through town-- and I just couldn't go anymore. My body was hungry and tired and it crapped out (not literally). I need some metamucil. I know that I still am retaining a little. I am tempted to weigh myself, but the results were not very favorable earlier.

I'm disappointed. I think that eating to help my metabolism thing was bullshit. Obviously all I did was gain. I just gotta move this scale down!!

Okay... you know its bad (or good) when you are considering counting the calories from communion in your daily intake... Yikes! I guess I'd estimate about 30 cals-- little rice bread cake thingy and a drink of red wine...

Haven't had nothin' but some coffee so far. Probably 35 cals because of the creamer. so 65 total. I am gonna try to burn off another 700 cals at the gym today, unless I start to get faint of course (that's what cranberries are for) so I am gonna eat a piece of wheat bread or maybe some cottage cheese. Just something to get me going. And definitely my vitamins and another cup of coffee prolly.

I made up my mind to go see some friends that give me so much anxiety about the way I look because they are really gorgeous people, and I was hoping to be considerably lighter the next time I saw them... Oh well. If they go out to eat after, I will go but I will eat a simple salad. Part of me doesn't wanna see them, but I feel compelled.

Wish me luck today.

***

Welp, today I ate a piece of toast (50 cal), a cup of cottage cheese (90 cal), had an extra cup of coffee with cream and some soy milk (60 cal), and a ton of vitamins. Include the "65 cals" from this morning... 265.

I'm gonna guess about 400 cals for dinner-- I ate the croutons and crackers :( :(-- I had a house salad, and a cup of cabbage. Cabbage was prolly 50, the dressing was 50, then croutons 50ish, crackers 50, bacon bits and cheese 100, then the lettuce and little bit of tomato I had, plus a few extra cals for good measure.

So all in all about 665 cals for the day. Toooooo much. The problem is, about a hundred of those are coffee cals. I gotta find a way to fix that... I more than doubled my goal intake for the day, which sucks. It would have helped if I hadn't gone out with my friends... I did go see them and it wasn't terrible.

At least I burned more than I ate-- 703 cals for the day. Proud of that, but it should have not been almost broken even with my food cals.

Tomorrow I may be having breakfast with a friend... we'll see how I do. One fried egg and a piece of toast? fruit? What will I do?

I feel amazing. I burned 720 cals at the gym, sat in the steam room, going to Goodwill to take advantage of the half off sale, and then I'm hitting the practice room. I feel a little nauseous, but I will overcome that.

Calorie count for the day is around 500 if you don't count my mini binge last night of 200ish. I am planning on eating dinner, but until then, gonna munch on my favorite little guilt snack, dried cranberries and blueberries. Move my body out of "starvation" so I can lose more. Love this. Wish me a good practice :)

***

I ate so much tonight. Seriously. I didn't mean to eat so much, but it all was so good :( But I'm giving myself a break because I really did need to eat my body out of "starvation mode." Going back on tomorrow. Gonna try to burn another 700 cals. We'll see what happens, but I know I can do it! I think from now on, I shall make my mininum 500 cals because I know I can burn that much on the elliptical in an hour, but I like the fact that I did a lot of running and walking uphill today, too.

Tomorrow, the goal is to eat 300 or less and burn 700. Period. I can do this!!! I'm doing great so far, though I'm not where I wanna be. I bought an audition dress tonight at the goodwill, and it will look amazing if I can manage to keep losing.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. I believe it. I know I want this and I can't have anything else I want in life unless I'm thin. So here goes!!!

***

Okay, maybe the whole eating for a day thing was not a great idea. I feel gross. Just gotta keep my focus... I know who I wanna be.

Okay. I'm home now. While I was at my Dad's, I lost 11 lbs. I think that constituted 1 lb. per day not counting the day I got there (I ate a good amount that day) and yesterday. Yesterday was probably my lowest caloric intake ever, but then I binged last night after grocery shopping. I ate an apple, 180 cals worth of cottage cheese, and about 20-30 cals of salsa. I know that doesn't sound like terribly much, but it was unintentional. I just had this crazy taste in my mouth... kinda like dairy or mayo or something, and it was making me crave. The good news is that I had already decided to eat kind of normally today to help my metabolism because I suspect its not running real well right now. I ate that stuff after midnight, so technically its on today...

I'm planning on going to the gym for 2 hours today, at least. The bad part is that all the New Years' resolutes will be there. I don't really make resolutions because my family has never made a big deal about New Years. Hence, they were in bed by 11 that night... Welp, I try to just make decisions normally and that includes for my well being. I don't like that my fat ass is gonna lumped in with all those people, but whatever. I do what I have to do for myself, like this is any other day of the year.

My plan for the day is to eat semi normally. 900ish calories, if I can manage to eat that much, try not to eat any sweets. I definitely need to take some vitamins and stuff because I can tell the weather change is already getting to me. I will probably also have some green tea and blueberries... the antioxidants usually kick a cold in the teeth for me. After working out, I MUST practice because I have an audition in 2.5 weeks and counting.