Uggghhh, I can't wait til my weight is significantly lower. I know I am disgusting to guys... I feel so lonely. I've been saying for such a long time that I didn't care... but I do. So much. I really do trust that God has the perfect person for me, but its so hard. Maybe I really am supposed to be alone forever...

All my friends are dating... I guess I just don't want to get left behind. This is definitely a problem I think God needs to fix in my life... Because the problem is, I honestly don't know if I could commit to a relationship even if I was getting asked out right now. You know, because of that whole thing where I've wanted to go to grad school for my entire life. It hurts. Do I wanna be a casual dater? If God sends someone my way, I need to be beautiful for him. And beautiful for my Dad, since he's so ashamed of me. And beautiful for the stage.

This whole inner beauty thing is such bullshit unless you've got the outer wrapping to go along with it. It makes me so frustrated and hurt and upset. But I will be thin. And beautiful. And "those people" won't be showing me up anymore.

And in the meantime, maybe God can manage to heal my fragile heart and make me a woman that really is attractive to the right man.