I feel like crap. Two days ago, when my stomach was killing me, my friends talked me into Chili's where I had stupid chips and salsa along with a chicken salad with extra crap on it.

Yesterday I ate leftovers and hot chocolate, then the stupid brownie... and that wine last night...

Today, I started a juice fast this morning, then my friends wanted me to eat out with them. I was gonna just order salad and be ok, but stupid friend ordered chips and freaking salsa. AGAIN. If it weren't for chips, I would be JUST FINE. The problem is that I am weak for hanging out. Its not the food really... its the people most of the time. And of course, chips and salsa are impossible to say no to. I guess that's hardly a binge, but I just can't afford to have nothing days like this. I guess I won't be meeting that CO goal :( Fat ass. I'm such a freaking fat ass! SUCH A FAT ASS!!!

And tomorrow I already have a lunch date that I could hardly say no to, and hanging out with a friend I may not get to see again for weeks if I don't go tomorrow. Oh, and sandwiched in with all that will probably be a starbucks date with another friend I haven't seen in weeks. WHY THE HELL IS EVERYTHING ABOUT FOOD?!?!?!?

I can make it. I can do this. I will eat salad. Salad. Salad. Salad. Salad. And black coffee. And I will eat nothing else today. Maybe its not a failure today after all. I just really thought I could do this juice fast. At least I didn't get too far into it. I'm off to the gym.

***

I'm too afraid to calculate my calories for the day, which in a way, is driving me crazy! I haven't consumed anything since lunch time and I burned 450 cals at the gym. That's 50 cals less than my bottom goal, but I ran today for 10 minutes w/ incline. I'm trying to get into running again-- I want to really bad. So that was the price I had to pay :( I'm thinking I might do it every other time I go? And try and make up for it on the days that I do the running? At least partially. Anyways, i was gonna take a walk with a friend, but they are not all back yet, suck. I think I will just have to live. Hopefully I can get up early and go to the gym again before my voice lesson. So much food tomorrow, but if I can POSSIBLY stick to salads, it could still be a 500 cal day.

I feel so terribly fat. I am surrounded by all these wonderful, beautiful people... Today my Dad has been on my mind alot. And of course, the fact that he is completely disgusted with my fat. I had to remind myself that he obviously does love me bc he paid for my plane ticket to Colorado... Welp, I just have to stay with it, keep working. Lets see if I can have a couple decent workout and eating days in a row before I weigh again. I'm afraid to.

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Damned cottage cheese. I let myself eat something because I realized that the pain in my stomach is when my stomach lining gets inflamed-- and it helps if I just don't let it get empty... well, one cottage cheese led to another... so pb 300 cal just now :( Plus the 40 cals I had with my coffee earlier. boo.