I had a great day today, at least in comparison to how I was doing a few days ago. I think I ate a total of 600 cals today, at least that's the estimate. I burned about 400ish jogging today. I miss the elliptical and my 600-700 cals burned in an hour, but I do love running, and I can do that after the gym is closed if I wanna work out too late.

After I wrote my last post, I dolled myself up for a choral concert that I was attending and singing in one piece as an alumni. I curled my hair and really did my makeup. I hardly ever wear makeup-- I stopped after Christmas and graduation because I realized that I couldn't ever look like I wanted until I lost weight. I was really packing on the makeup in an attempt to medicate my bad feelings about my weight. So instead I quit and focus all my energy on losing now. I feel that all the makeup in the world couldn't hide the ugly that I am sometimes. And when I do put makeup on, its extra special and people comment on it.

J., the guy I said I want to make out with so desperately (I mentioned him a couple weeks ago) made some nice comments to me tonight. He said I looked great, and that I had been for the last couple weeks. It made me feel awesome! I said that I sometimes felt like it was in vain, and he said that it wasn't and that he could definitely tell I'd been working on myself. Its kinda weird to be vulnerable like that, but I am notorious for it. Part of me feels that if this were so true, I could get a date or a makeout sesh or even just some expression of romantic admiration... from SOMEONE. I feel like such a stupid whore when I talk like this. I need the affirmation from a guy, and its nice to have it, but I need someone to show me. Talk only goes so far, you know?

I know I am SO soooo far from the mark. I could be so good looking if I would just get rid of this fat ass version of me. When I was in high school and was a lot smaller than I am now, people used to tell me how gorgeous I was all the time. And boys wanted to date me. I hope this doesn't come off as conceited. I guess I just mean I know what my potential is, what I could be, and yet I'm so far from there. I know you have to know what I am feeling-- that's pretty much what all our goals are about, right?

I want to be beautiful. And valuable. And successful at the things I set out to accomplish. And loved by my father. And THIN.