Opera rehearsal allllll day.

Food so far:

Coffee with High Protein slim fast: 200 cals (haven't had it all yet, so only 150)

Homemade chili (approx 5 oz) with a couple spoonfuls of cheese and a little piece of bread: 230 (according to fit day...)

Total so far @ 2:05 pm: 380 cals. Higher than I want it to be, but maybe I can make it... and I'll try to make that coffee shake last the rest of the afternoon-- crossed fingers.

***

Didn't finish the coffee. Dinner was the new veggie pesto soup from Panera: 160 cals.
Greek salad w/ feta: 100 cals?
whole wheat baguette: 50 cals?

Approximately a 700 cal day, 800 for good measure. Not my finest moment, but I guess I can't complain too too bad. Better than some days, and significantly lower than my BMR. I haven't weighed because I'm afraid. I will soon. Maybe one more day of this? I want to be in the 160's so so so so bad.

Tomorrow, as you know, is Val day. Plan is to eat next to nothing (finish protein coffee shake? cranberries? 50 cals of soup. That would be 150 tops.) and then eat VERY moderately at my Val day party. Hope I can be strong. Maybe I won't stay that long so that I can avoid temptation too much.

Today J. and T. both commented on how healthy I looked... J. almost verbatim repeated to me what he said the other night. I feel like such a whore because I only want to make out with him. The day that I get that kind of feedback from him may be the day I can feel okay with my size. Its such a slippery slope baseing your worth on a fickle player of man (he has his good qualities too). I just need... some approval. I feel like a whore.

I know better than this-- there are so many reasons that I am a wonderful and valuable, smart, intelligent, capable woman. But its worthless unless I can be that AND be thin. I can do this!!!